Allegory of the Cave

Believing people when they say they care is dangerous... if not foolish.

2008-06-22T19:39:00.000-07:00

I wonder when I will stop being surprised when people hurt and deceive? It hurts more every time...

"I am so dumb
Just beam me up
I've had it all forever
I've had enough

And now I understand
You leave with everything
You leave with everything I am

And now I know that love is dead
You've come to bury me
There's nothing left here to pretend

Remember, you promised me"

-------------------------------------------------

If you can't get enough angst. The Afghan Whigs always deliver. I forgot how great they are to listen to when you are hurt and angry.

Debonair (live)

Hear me now and don't forget
I'm not the man my actions would suggest
A little boy, i'm tied to you
I fell apart
That's what i always do

This ain't about regret
My conscience can't be found
This time i won't repent
Somebody's going down

Feel it now and don't resist
This time the anger's better than the kiss
I must admit when so inclined
I tend to lose it than confront my mind

'cause it don't bleed and it don't breathe

It's locked its jaws and now it's swallowing
It's in our heart
It's in our head
It's in our love
Baby it's in our bed

Tonight i go to hell
For what i've done to you
This ain't about regret
It's when i tell the truth

And once again the monster speaks
Reveals his face and searches for release
A little boy is tied to you
Attracted only 'til it comes unglued

Be Sweet

Ladies, let me tell you about myself
I got a dick for a brain
And my brain is gonna sell my ass to you
Now i'm ok, but in time i'll find i'm stuck
'cause she wants love, and i still want to fuck
Now that i'm ashamed, it burns
But the weight is off
Now that you're out of the way
I turn and i can walk
You showed no sympathy, my love

And this was no place for you and me to walk alone

On my grave, am i ok?
I'm sure i'm not
Ladies let me tell you about my love
She kept giving me more
But it wasn't enough
So understand
Now that i come to you
To understand my little self
To understand my little self

And baby you be sweet

The Survivor Manual: Detective speaks about Report It.

2008-04-27T22:28:00.000-07:00

Check out this video of an officer speaking about reporting sexual assault.
The Survivor Manual: Detective speaks about Report It.

This is a good idea to get a perspective from a police officer. I think some of what he says is good, but there are several areas of concern for me.

1. It is underreported. It should be reported more. While victims would like to report more and should report more. It is not the victims fault for fearing reporting. He is right they have nothing to be ashamed of, but our culture still asks for silence. Not only should victims not be ashamed of being raped… they should not be ashamed if they didn’t report it. It is not their fault that they live in a climate that does want them to tell. As a survivor myself I can tell you that it takes a lot of courage to report. This feels a little like victim blaming to me when we say the problem is with the victim. Let’s encourage reporting but acknowledge the courage it takes.

2. In response to the question about his concern for victims fearing/suffering re-traumatization in the justice system... I think the concern is misplaced. He seems to be concerned about how it affects him (or the reputation of the "system", not the victim. Shouldn't the largest concern be the fact that the justice system can and often DOES re-traumatize the victim?

3. The suggestion that the victim needs to pursue it to the fullest extent of the law by and saying “they need to FORCE the officers who come out to file reports” bothers me so much. How often does someone feel comfortable forcing those in positions of authority to do something right after someone has raped and disempowered them? Again this is victim blaming. Why do they have to FORCE an officer to do their job?

4. The next suggestion that they need to pursue these cases all the way through trial is also upsetting. I was raped and while I personally had great interactions with the police… the prosecution was another story. I was ignored and they tried to dump the case. My detective even told me that prosecutors often ignore victims in rape cases hoping they will just give up and go away. I didn’t give up. I got the prosecution I sought. BUT it wasn’t easy. It had a disappointing result too. A couple of days before the trial the prosecutor accepted a guilty plea to a lesser charge. She did not ask if I wanted to accept that plea because she knew I would not want to accept it. I had fought so hard to go to trial… only to be let down. As I understand it he didn’t really want to plead guilty either.

So after I discovered that RAPE IS A CRIME AGAINST THE STATE and I begged for a chance at justice (considering he basically confessed) and the prosecution first said no… then yes… then let a plea I didn’t want happen…NOW he is free. He only has a year probation and sex offender counseling. NO JAIL TIME and he is NOT being listed as a sex offender. I was told that even if my case went to trial and I won… he probably would have just got probation. I understand that is a typical result of rape cases too.

I still think that victims should report… even given the troubles I have had and the truths I have learned, but I suggest that the system fix its issues and stop blaming reporting issues on victims.
After all RAPE IS A CRIME AGAINST THE STATE not the person who suffers the rape… so wouldn’t it follow that they need to make it easier for people to seek justice? So… in the effort to increase reporting of the crime and incarceration of these sexual offenders… I suggest it is the justice system that has the most work to do. They victims have already faced their nightmare… don’t make them face the bureaucratic nightmare of the legal system too. All the victim should have to do is have the courage to speak their truth of violation and humiliation. I cannot believe he says that “their job is not to continue to be victimized and traumatized by the perpetrator” Isn’t that the “Justice System’s” job?

5. Comments like police officers don’t like handling domestic violence are not good. Guess what? Women don’t like being the victims of domestic violence. Who is supposed to help them if the police don’t want to?

6. Lastly when it comes to his suggestions for other officers in regards to how not to re-traumatize victims of sexual assault. Why does it have to be them putting themselves in the shoes of the husband, father, or brother? HOW ABOUT PUTTING YOURSELF IN THE SHOES OF THE VICTIM? I know this is an attempt to get through to other male officers but… These victims (generally women) are human beings who have been violated, terrorized, de-humanized… they are not simply a belonging or property of a man, father, brother, or husband. This really demonstrates how many men think that they could never be a victim themselves… and they don’t feel the fear of being raped every day of their life… or even one day of their life. It also seems to say that the real damage would be the damage to the men in her life… not to her. Just like the real damage in the eyes of the law is done to the STATE… not to her. This is a big part of the problem.

--------------

EVEN considering all this… I still think victims should report it… even though in the criminal justice system… I had no voice and no choice… and I did not have enough money to pursue a civil suit. I was shut out of the justice system. BUT I still want victims to report. Because they need to be heard. They need a chance… any chance at justice… hopefully soon the system will step up and start taking the victims of sexual assault seriously… THEN you will see more reporting.

The system doesn’t seem to even have the capacity to process all the victims that currently do report. If you want everyone to report… they need more prosecutors, more money in the budget, more money for crime victim’s compensation (rather than cuts in the budget), and sensitivity training for the system…. THEN we will see justice and rapists will not be walking the streets free.

I do have to say that he is right about changing the culture in the community perception of victims. He is also right that some police officers have background and personal issues… and that they need to be trained.

I know there are no perfect answers and he is really trying to help. I don’t want people to stop trying to help… I just want people to really THINK about how what they are saying is perceived.

My new favorite! Shirley Chisholm!

2008-04-27T18:00:00.000-07:00

Shirley Chisholm is amazing! You can get Chisholm '72 - Unbought and Unbossed on netflix.

"In 1968, Shirley Chisholm becomes the first black woman elected to Congress. In 1972, she becomes the first black woman to run for president. Shunned by the political establishment, she's supported by a motley crew of blacks, feminists, and young voters. Their campaign-trail adventures are frenzied, fierce, and fundamentally right on!"

It makes me crazy that we had a shot at having someone like this in power and we missed it!

"To believe in this living is just a hard way to go"

2008-03-22T23:04:00.000-07:00

The trial that was to be. Was not.
The rape that should have met justice. Did not.

He pleads guilty holding me down on a couch...
and it will all go away after a year...
and no one will know what he did.

I am home now.
I think I am supposed to be relieved that it is "all over".
But it's not.

The sadness at the injustice.
The sheer truth of the dead end.
Weighs on my heart and crushes me.

The reality that this is how our system responded to my rape...
makes me want to kick and scream.

Overcome with the feeling that my hands and feet are perpetually tied...
I struggle to be free of it.

I am tired. Tired of fighting.
I see my life's work ahead now. I know it is needed.

I feel I am changing... so much inside.
I need to go away and be quiet... and let the pain settle.

I keep saying I want to go live on another planet.
It hurts too much here.

No choice. No voice. No justice.

The law - this world - has told me...
go ahead... scream.
No one will hear you.

My compassion goes out to anyone and everyone
who has lived long and ever wanted to fly away
to someplace better...

ANGEL FROM MONTGOMERY

I am an old woman named after my mother
My old man is another child that’s grown old
If dreams were thunder and lightning was desire
This old house would have burnt down a long time ago

Chorus:
Make me an angel that flies from Montgom’ry
Make me a poster of an old rodeo
Just give me one thing that I can hold on to
To believe in this living is just a hard way to go

When I was a young girl well, I had me a cowboy
He weren’t much to look at, just free rambling man
But that was a long time and no matter how I try
The years just flow by like a broken down dam.

Chorus

There’s flies in the kitchen I can hear ‘em there buzzing
And I ain’t done nothing since I woke up today.
How the hell can a person go to work in the morning
And come home in the evening and have nothing to say.

Make me an angel that flies from Montgom’ry
Make me a poster of an old rodeo
Just give me one thing that I can hold on to
To believe in this living is just a hard way to go

Thanks for NOTHING... and the Repeat Sex Offender Punch Card

2008-03-20T21:21:00.000-07:00

As I recently suffered through the "injustice system" I was retraumatized and felt very devalued and discarded. Rape is still a crime against the state. The concept of rape being a crime against the state is left on the law books as a carry over from at time when women were still considered property.

My rapist plead guilty to a lesser charge of Felonious Restraint. I was never advised of please negotiations and I did not want it. They are basically saying he held me down on that couch and wouldn't let me get up... which put me at risk of suffocation. He gets no jail time. No Sex Offender status. His Felony will only be discoverable by the public for a year. Then it disappears. It will only be looked at if he ever does something again (and gets caught).

So it will take him raping me, and maybe one or two others, before they take it seriously. One woman's life destroyed by his rape is not enough... they need 2 or 3 more women... in order to constitute a whole human over which to be enraged.

The message to rapists is that it is open season.
The message to victims is that they are sub human and won't get justice.

I made this card for the State of Missouri (and other states) who turn their head from this crime to demonstrate how ridiculous this is.

This system is messed up. When these rapists are set free they are allowed to continue to perpetrate these crimes. Then when they finally rape and murder someone... everyone acts all surprised and shocked... and they wonder what on earth creates these monsters....

News Flash: OUR JUSTICE SYSTEM DOES.

It is not just the judges, attorneys, and outdated laws that are responsible, but the people who sit on juries and let rapists go because of sexist conditioning which encourages rape myths. We must stop blaming the victims and take the crime of rape seriously.

The criminal system gives rape victims no choice in prosecution. I had to beg for prosecution. Many say I was "Lucky" that I got so far. That is no comfort to me. Filing a civil suit is just as impossible.

Criminal Justice System: Rape victims have no choice and no voice. I am shut out.

Civil Justice System: Rape Victims are shut out if they are not privileged. I don't have enough money. I am not protected by rape shield laws.... and even if you win you many NEVER see a dime.

What is a rape victim to do?

"The world is a dangerous place not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." - Albert Einstein

Film Documentaries on Rape - BRAVO!

2008-03-17T23:02:00.001-07:00

I came across these video clips on No!TheRapeDocumentary.org

NO! The Rape Documentary: Ending Sexual Assault and Violence Against Women

Ending Sexual Assault And Violence Against Women: Breaking Silences Video

Women Deserve Better

2008-03-02T13:28:00.001-08:00

Sonya "The Drama" Boom Renee says it all in her 2006 poetry slam What We Deserve:

What We Deserve

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I got a story to tell... I am in love with Def Poetry!!

2008-02-25T00:35:00.000-08:00

How did I miss this?
I remember it a few years ago... but I never sat and REALLY listened.

Take the time to listen now. It is worth it.
These amazing people will blow you away!

Mark Gonzales "As With Most Men"

Daniel Bady - "Knock Knock"
Rives - "Kite"
Nafessa Monroe - "White"

Oh and I gotta share this too :-)

A Place To Go

2008-02-20T17:23:00.000-08:00

A Place To Go

I can’t count
The days any more
Just tell me when
It is time to go

My head held high
Will expose his shame
Their questions bring
From my used lips… the truth
In my eyes, the blue skies

I will be there
He will be there
They will be there
They will see me
My face and my body
But no one can see

How inside I am full
of melting sun
and warm French music
and deep desert spaces
where I walk alone
with the wind at my back
as my heart explodes.

~ Sicily Sue

Music: Jardin d'hiver by the talented Keren Ann

Be Careful of My Heart - Tracy Chapman

2008-02-20T09:34:00.000-08:00

I have always loved this song... I was thinking of it at the rally yesterday.
I have pulled out the parts of the song I relate to most right now...

...One day you just up
and walked away
You left me hurting...
You taught me something...
Something took me half
my life to learn
When you give all yourself away
Just tell them to be careful of your heart
Be careful of my heart
Be careful of this heart of mine
Be careful of my heart
I just might break and
send some splitters flying

Be careful of my heart
You took my love....
and now you're gone

But I'm not breaking down
And I'm not falling apart
I just lost a little faith
When you broke my heart

Given a chance
I might try it again
But I wouldn't risk it all this time
I'd save a little love for myself
Enough for my heart to mend
A little love for myself
One day I just might love again...
One day I just might give all myself away...
One day...

Victim Rights Rally! February 19th!

2008-02-18T09:51:00.000-08:00

WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT DEFENDING JUSTICE!
WHAT: Victim's Rights Rally

WHEN: Tuesday, February 19, Noon (Gather at 11:50am)

WHERE: King County Courthouse, 516 - 3rd Avenue, Seattle, WA

WHY: Sexual assault is the most under-reported crime. Yet when survivors do report, often times they are re-victimized by the criminal justice system. This includes victim blaming, language restrictions, barring victim's testimony and prejudicial authorities.
WE DEMAND JUSTICE!

Come with posters that display such sayings as:
• Give Victims a Voice!
• Victims have the right to a fair and speedy trial.
• Victims have a right to be respected.
• Don’t blame the victim!
• Place the blame where it belongs!
• STOP JUDGES WHO SILENCE VICTIMS
• VICTIMS WILL NEVER OBEY UNJUST COURTS
• JUSTICE MEANS TRUTH AND FAIRNESS
• SILENCED IN COURT CAUSES RAGE IN PUBLIC
• RAPE IS NEVER "SEX" - EROTIC WORDS ARE LIES
• EROTICIZING RAPE TRIALS IS UNAMERICAN
• TRUTH MATTERS - STOP JUDGES WHO MAKE VICTIMS LIE
• RAPED BY THE CRIMINAL AND THEN GAGGED BY THE COURT
• SEEKING JUSTICE IS NOT A CRIME
• "RAPE" NOT "SEX" IS THE CRIME
• MY TRUTH MATTERS
• CENSORSHIP OF VICTIMS IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL
• JUDICIAL CENSORSHIP IS A CRIME

• COURTS ARE PLACES TO BE HEARD NOT SILENCED

HISTORY: A shocking decision was made by prosecutors in Nebraska who were unable to prosecute Pamir Safi after the Judge ruled out too much evidence to continue the case. The third trial was slated to begin February 19 againstSafi who had been arrested for raping three women. One of these women was Tory Bowen whose case drew national attention after Judge Cheuvront barred her from using terms including rape, sexual assault, date rape drugs, and sexual assault nurse examiner in her testimony.

It is time for an even BIGGER and BOLDER presence to remind the courts that victims have rights too! Tory's case is just the tip of the iceburg when it comes to injustice in the courtrooms that victims face every day. We will NOT TOLERATE THIS KIND OF TREATMENT ANY LONGER!

A note from Tory Bowen:
It is time to take my case as a galvanizing moment - for victims should not be victims of the courts! The courts can not protect their states and citizens by executing 'justice' the way they did in my case. These things happen every day. It is up to us to let the courts know, that we won't take it anymore.

Thank you for your participation! Together we WILL make a difference. THANKS!!
www.PavingTheWay.net

Shatter the Silence of Sexual Violence!

Hip Hop and Abortion rights... I love Digable Planets!

2008-02-17T21:40:00.000-08:00

This song is a beautiful philosophical narrative exploring a young woman's decision to abort:

It was 8:49 on a beautiful 9th day of july.
There was not a cloud to speak of
so the orange sun hung lonely in the sky.
I lay prone in my cabbie home,
listening to fine nappy Jackie and his jazzcat's horn,
sliding in a tape of Bird on Verve when suddenly rang my phone.
"Hello Butterfly," a voice said. "Slip on some duds, comb out your fro,
and slide on down to my pad. The vibe here is very pleasant
and I truly request your presence.
A problem of great magnitude has arose and as we speak it grows."

"Damn, what could it be?" I thought.
A juice I bought and rolled on down to her pad.
Seeing bros i know slapping fives I arrived and pressed G-5
and there was Nikki lookin some kind of sad with tears fallin from her eyes.
She sat me down and dug my frown and began to run it down:
"You remember my boyfriend sid that fly kid who I love...
well our love was often a verb, and spontaneity has brought a third.
But do to our youth an economic state we wish to terminate.
About this we don't feel great , but baby that's how it is.
but the feds have dissed me they ignore and dismiss me.
The pro-lifers harrass me outside the clinic and call me a murderer.
Now that's hate. So needless to say we're in a mental state of debate."

"Hey beautiful bird," i said digging her somber mood.
"The fascists are some heavy dudes.
They don't really give a damn about life,
they just don't want a woman to control her body
or have the right to choose.
But baby that ain't nothin'.
They just want a male finger on the button
because if you say war they will send them to die by the score.
Aborting mission should be your volition,
but if Souter and Thomas have their way
you'll be standing in line unable to get welfare
while they'll be out hunting and fishing. "

It has always been around.
It will always have a niche.
But they'll make it a privilege, not a right,
accessible only to the rich.
Pro-lifers need to dig themselves
because life doesn't stop after birth.
And to a child born to the unprepared
it might even just get worse.
The situation would surely change
if they were to find themselves in it,
supporters of the h-bomb and fire bombing clinics.
What type of shit is that? Orwellian in fact!

If Roe v Wade was overturned
would not the desire remain intact,
leaving young girls to risk their health
and doctors to botch and watch as they kill themselves?
Now, I hate to sound macabre
but hey, isn't it my job to lay it on the masses
and get them off their asses
to fight against these fascists?

So whatever you decide make that move with pride.
Sid will be there and so will I... an insect til I die.
...rhythms and sounds spinning around...
confrontations across the nation...
your block, my block
dreadlocks what a shock
land of the free - but not me...
not me
not me
not me

Let's extend LOVE through awareness and action

2008-02-14T12:27:00.000-08:00

My dear friend Supergirlest promotes Brett Dennen with good reason. This guys is amazing.

This is what love should be about... taking our privileged blinders off and caring about others... This Valentine's Day... let's embrace truths and show our love to others in the world by opening our eyes and letting the awareness of inequities seep in. With love for others we can be moved to action and work together... and to do our small part to create a better world.

I much prefer this perspective on Valentine's Day to candy and obligatory gifting. Every year around Valentine's day I cringe every time I see a diamond commercial. Not only do we all need to be aware of the truth about diamonds...

But I personally am sick of Valentine's Day commercials like this JC Penney commercial (you have to go to their site to see it.... look on the right hand side where it says watch our valentine's day ad) I am sick of the stereotype that women are mindless idiots that drool over sparkly things that their big spending and overpaid MEN buy for them so they stop complaining. Plus it drives home an attitude that women are commodities that can be bought and controlled by men with money. Jeezzz.. I have to go barf!

How to support your friend who has been raped...

2008-02-13T20:40:00.001-08:00

I want to talk about ways to support rape victims (for example, me) as they fight for justice. I have been asking folks for support a lot recently as a result of the upcoming events... which set me back in my healing... and lately it feels like it just happened again. In response to my requests for support I often get the question, "What can I do to help?" I know that my family and friends want to help... but I realized they may not know how to... and I want to offer ideas on how to support victims.

So I decided to post some ideas for friends and family.
These ideas may be true for other victims as well.

First I want to share that being a survivor of rape isn't a one time event. It is something victim-survivors live with through time. When speaking with one of my professors today she introduced the concept of "survivance" and she shared the following quote from some Anthropology research...
"For Indigenoous peoples, survival is more than staying together as a group; it is more closely aligned with Vizenor's concept of survivance. Vizenor says: "I wanted a term that would have a broader meaning than survival--that is, as a conditional experience rather than a mere response to domination and victimization". He argues that "survivance" is not just carrying this burden and surviving--showing that I'm a survivor of victimization, for example--but also inventing a world view" FROM: Brian McKinley Jones Brayboy"Transformational resistance and social justice: American Indians in Ivy League Universities"*Anthropology and Education Quarterly, 36* (3), 193-211.

ALSO... I was reading on the Women's Justice Center about how friends feel...
"Friends who are helping you are also probably feeling very upset and frightened by what you're going through. They probably feel at a loss for exactly what they should be doing, and helpless that they can't solve it all for you. So here's some things you can do that will help your support person be better able to help you. Always be very clear with your friend exactly what it is you would like them to do. Tell them you know they can't solve it all. Stay in good communication with the people who are helping you. Thank them repeatedly for standing by you.

...and how friends can give help...
Remember, one person can't do it all. If you see that your friend is getting overwhelmed, ask your friend to help you find someone else to help, too. You don't always have to say the "Right Things." Seeing the intensity of trauma in violence against women can be very upsetting. Don't feel you always have to be saying "right things.". Calmness, your presence, and a few kind words work wonders! "

So here is a list of ideas that might help support rape survivors...
(The wording is gendered female because I am also talking about how to help me)

Let her know you are thinking of her. Send flowers, a card or a note. Knowing that you care will lift her spirits during the tough times.
Call and check in... or to just say hello - even if it is just for a quick 5 minute conversation. Your friend may be feeling to overwhelmed to pick up the phone and make plans with you, but she will probably appreciate it if you do.
Suggest getting together for low stress events like a movie, coffee, or ice cream
Send frequent emails to say hello. Keep regular contact and share about your life too... that helps keep a feeling of normalcy in her life.
Understand that your friend may be very self-involved for a little while... try to offer and share stories about your life too as that can help her stay grounded. Even though she needs a lot from her supportive friends and family.. she still wants to know how you are. I know I often feel stuck in the spotlight sometimes... and I feel uncomfortable but feel compelled to keep talking. Feel free to bring the conversation back to other things... it is helpful and distracting and good... otherwise I can ramble on about all the twist and turns of my tortured thoughts and concerns.
Know that she wants to be able to support you with your own life concerns and needs too but try to understand that she might not be able to do that during times of high crisis.
Inform yourself - Search online for tips on how to help
Exercise is good. Suggest a walk. Even if it is just around the block. Sometime she may want to see you for a little while... and if she cannot handle an event that lasts a couple of hours... a little time together is better than none.
Express your compassion - you can say that you don't know what to say, but it is very important to recognize and validate the survivor's feelings: their anger, pain, and fear. These are natural, healthy responses. They need to feel them, express them, and be heard.
Accept that there will very likely be major changes in your relationship with the survivor as they heal.They are changing, and as they do, you may need to change in response.
Respect the time and space it takes to heal.Healing is a slow process that can't be hurried.
Show your friend that you care about them. Go visit them in their home for a visit... they often feel more comfortable in their own space.
Understand that as a victim heals and when she is in times of crisis, she may say and do things that hurt you or are confusing to you. Understand that your friend is stressed and filled with confusing and painful emotions... and she may not always behave in her right mind.
Offer practical support. Your friend may find that organizing her life is difficult while she is in crisis. You can help by offering to help. For instance, offer to make dinner - the victim is often overwhelmed and depressed and feeling too weary to take care of themselves. Just by offering your help, she will know that you care and if she needs you, she'll be able take you up on it.
Know that she is trying to maintain normalcy and be fun... and doesn't want to feel like a constant bummer... but somedays are good and some are bad.
Work together with her other friends - Friends of the victim can look to each other for support and sharing the role of a support system.
Suggest fun group activities or outings. If your friend feels up to going out and doing something she will accept. I have also found it is easier to escape the worry and pain in large groups... as one on one events tend to be more intimate and conducive to sharing painful feelings. Sometimes the survivor needs to try to have fun... but they may not always be good at knowing how to do so.
Be easy on yourself. Supporting a friend who has suffered sexual assault is hard. Treat your self well too!

Here is also a list of What Not to Say from Surviving to Thriving.

...Oh and a support site for Partners of Survivors.

So thank you all again... my dear friends and family and my partner... for being my support system.... For standing by me. I need you all now more than ever. Please hear my call for support... and take heart that the worst of the storm will pass soon... and the Spring will come... and the healing sun will come out and shine on us again.

PAVE - Promoting Awareness - Victim Empowerment

2008-02-12T08:51:00.000-08:00

See information from PAVE below.
Go to the site for more information.

Victim's Rights Rally - Nationwide - February 19 - Noon

We need your help defending justice!

Join us for a national rally on Tuesday, February 19, 2008 at noon. This is going to happen in dozens of cities across the country! We know that sexual assault is the most under-reported crime in the US. However, when victims do report, we find that they are constantly re-traumatized! We demand justice! To be involved, email: info@pavingtheway.net and we will send all of the tools needed to hold a rally in your community!

Legal Standards Target Protective-Order Breakdowns

2008-02-12T08:16:00.000-08:00

Check out this article on Women's ENews that discusses Protective Orders. They discuss the recent sad murder of a woman by her accused rapist. They discuss flaws in the Protective System as well as information to help understand this kind of violence. I think this is a step in the right direction but I still feel women need more protection in these cases. Our society needs to show that we feel these women's lives have VALUE and treat threats and stalking should be taken much more seriously. I think if someone is threatening and stalking.... the stalker themselves should be contained.... unless someone is going to be assigned as a body guard for the victim.

"Maria Frances Lauterbach, who was a lance corporal with the U.S. Marines, should be cradling a newborn around now. Instead, Lauterbach's burnt body was found Jan. 11, weeks after her death on Dec. 14. She was eight months pregnant when she died from a blunt trauma to the head. Her body was discovered in the Jacksonville, N.C., backyard of Cpl. Cesar A. Laurean, also a Marine. Lauterbach's military court-ordered protection order against Laurean expired 10 days after her death.

Authorities believe Laurean fled to Mexico on Jan. 11 after giving his wife a note saying that Lauterbach slit her own throat. He was indicted on Jan. 24 by a Jacksonville grand jury on first-degree murder charges. Mexican officials issued a warrant for Lauren's arrest and will extradite him to the United States if he is apprehended.

Military officials said he was not held as a suspect because Lauterbach and Laurean appeared to have a "friendly relationship" despite a rape allegation that occurred in May. Following that allegation, Lauterbach was given an order of protection by the military. The county sheriff told reporters that he was unaware of the protection order until Jan. 7.

Lauterbach reported that she was raped to military officials and investigators, who issued a protection order that was automatically renewed three times while the investigation was pending. Laurean denied the rape and refused to speak with detectives investigating her disappearance in December."

Also...

"Garcia, whose group assisted the American Bar Association with the stalking portion of the guidelines, said that among stalking victims, 28 percent of those who are female and 10 percent of those who are male obtained protective orders. Of these, violations occurred for 69 percent of females, 81 percent of males. Women are 73 percent of stalking victims overall.

In addition, the Department of Justice's most recent data reports that nearly a third of women murdered in 2005--33 percent--were killed by an intimate partner, a proportion that has been increasing. About 1,200 U.S. women are killed by intimate partners every year, according to the most recent national health statistics.

Garcia advises stalking victims to understand the pros and cons of protective orders. She said they work when they are enforced and bolster evidence for a potential court battle, but can be dangerous and escalate violence if not effectively enforced.

In her trainings for law enforcers and advocates about helping victims' safety planning she recommended that victims cut off contact with offenders, log any encounters and hand out fliers with an offender's photo to family and friends.

The American Bar Association has published dozens of national standards, available on its Web site. Previous standards--included in lawyers' trainings and often cited in case law and briefs--have covered the representation of children in custody cases and people facing the death penalty.

Garcia said lawyers had to be particularly alert to stalking, which is often a precursor to violence against property or the person seeking the order.

Threats, she said, often aren't obvious. For example, if a man sends roses to a woman despite a no-contact order, an untrained judge or lawyer might think it's a touching display of an abuser's wish to reunite. The abused woman, Schafran said, feels vulnerable after the violation and "knows it's a threat."

Support Zine - Get your hands on a copy.

2008-02-10T19:14:00.000-08:00

Introducing the Support Zine from Microcosism Publishing.

"In a time when sexual assault and abuse are an increasing problem; even in so-called radical and punk communities, and when most women have been sexually abused in one way or another, Cindy Crabb (Doris Zine) brings us a document showing ways to prevent sexual violence and support survivors of sexual abuse. The zine helps to define consent, some letters that Cindy has received, listening, talking about sex, power dynamics, comics by Fly, and much more! A crucial resource that reads much like a regular issue of Doris. "

Social Justice - Race, Class, Gender... and Conscious Hip Hop

2008-02-08T23:14:00.000-08:00

After my rape... I decided to go back to college to pursue a degree in Women Studies. I had no idea how my mind would be opened to social justice issues. My awareness of oppression of women... has opened other doors to awareness of all forms of oppression. It has been hard to learn of the TRUTH... but I want to face it and hopefully do something about it.

One of my professors emailed today and said "This is one of the points in this class that you can feel overwhelmed and disheartened (or angry, hopeless, depressed). Hang in there. I have been there and I can assure you, that there are really productive ways to work through the intellectual and emotional complexity of learning about the deep and far-reaching arm of injustice. " I believe her... I respect what she does so much. She is brilliant.

She was recently on a radio program called Against the Grain (February 4th to be exact) She researches and asks "How can white people bring up white children committed to racial justice? Rebecca Aanerud addresses the challenge of white antiracist mothering and suggests activities crucial to that practice." Take a listen if you can.

Now... my new vibrant love of Conscious Hip Hop! My boyfriend has been feeding me hip-hop and I am crazy for it. Today I felt overjoyed to listen to the music I will share with you next... It makes me feel less alone... and as I walk from place to place... I almost feel as if this music is carrying me. So with out further ado... Let me introduce the Blue Scholars, a local Seattle group. "The name "Blue Scholars" is a play on the term "blue collar," which is an idiom for workers who often earn meager hourly wages for manual labor. Their music and lyrics often focus on struggles between socioeconomic classes, challenging authority and youth empowerment"

I love this song...BACK HOME.. about bringing the troops home and how the government trys to sell a bullshit solution to certain races and classes...

I also love the following song... I can only find the lyrics on line. They address oppression, racism (external and internal), patriarchy, the reduction of women and men to commodities, the false lure of the military, the desire for opportunity, white privilege, activism, awareness, social justice and responsibility, history, and the constant struggle for change... and they do it with art, style, and rhythm... I LOVE THEM!!

Self Portrait - Blue Scholars
Shorty feels the pressure on his shoulders as he's liftin it
Wonders why the elders always tell him not to question it
Options at the bottom of the ladder got him desperate
But all he ever wanted was a weapon to protect him with
Riding a 36 through the veins of the beacon
The water is the heart, its rainin when its beatin
In the city that I sleep in I'm dreamin while I'm awake
The miserable escape but theyre too high to ponder faith
But who am I, to use their plight to illustrate a rhyme
With everything around me that I've never had to live
But I observe the inner qualities to serve the people properly
Tell them that their freedom isn't found in private property
Prostitutes are more than just the folks who sell their bodies
See this shit applies to those whos souls are a commodity
I can hear the colony callin me back to be
The bullet in the belly while they lock, load, and squeeze

Rebel with a pen lettin off buckshots in threes
Rewriting what it is into what it ought to be
They made a mockery out of the possibility
But under constant revision is the poem that I be

Shorty feels oppression on his shoulders as he's liftin it
Wonders why the elders always tell him not to question it
Conjuring the courage just to conquer whats been killin him
He says its fucked up cause he knows no other synonym
Hidden from the truth, seen youths turned to troops
Whos goal at 21 is to turn 22, true tuition's too high
and those with the privelage to pay don't listen, it's a shame, go figurin
The name of the father, the son and holy lyrics
I suppose those who know what I'm sayin when they hear it
Might rage against the system, or hate me for dissin
The house in which they live in as a slave to the rhythm
But I walk the broken sidewalk paved with the magic
Of those who walk past it, just to survive traffic
If paybacks a bitch, then gravity's a bastard
Avenues I used to call familiar turned backward
Rebel with a pen lettin off buckshots in threes
Rewriting what it is into what it ought to be
They made a mockery out of the possibility
But under constant revision is the poem that I be

Rebel with a pen lettin off buckshots in threes
Rewriting what it is into what it ought to be
I be the emcee in the place not to be
But under constant revision is the poem that I be

Yo.. shorty's getting grown old enough to read the messages
Understands the elders as he then begins to question them
One generation handed down what they've inherited
Another generation rewriting the master narrative
Older folks overdose on broken hopes often
Children then begin to grow comatose and lost up
In the clutches of the wickedest fingers
Indicative of the systems inhibited
Ability to listen to the voice of the dyin who've been tired of cryin
Nightsticks fall where projectiles are flyin
Through a straight path narrow like the gap between heaven and hell
They skip class cause they goin to jail, true
Students prevail when the knowledge is passed
But others seem to fail sittin flat on their ass
And now I be the emcee in the place not be
Under constant revision in the poem that I be

Rebel with a pen lettin off buckshots in threes
Rewriting what it is into what it ought to be
I be the emcee in the place not to be
But under constant revision is the poem that I be

Students investigate worker rights violations... and the movie Maquilopolis

2008-02-07T14:20:00.000-08:00

I am so proud of my friend April, who is the UW’s delegate in the United Students Against Sweatshops (USAS) labor rights organization and a member of the UW’s Student Labor Action Project (SLAP). They are investigating the New Era Cap Co. facility in Mobile, Alabama.
...and there is an article in the UW Daily

"New Era, which has been accused of discrimination and providing unsafe and unsanitary conditions for their workers, produces baseball caps with collegiate logos for the UW and several other universities."

UW student April Nishimura shows a hat made by New Era Cap Co. New Era is under investigation for violating worker rights.

I have been learning about the issues with Globalization and the Feminization of labor. This is very new to me so I will try to explain...

There are terrible effects tied to Globalization. Free Trade Zones (Offshore production areas) are places out of US where US and other countries can set up manufacturing without extra taxing. Not only does this take jobs out of america it sets the stage for the most awful injustices.

Greedy Corporations set up sweatshop labor areas where there are few labor regulations (or if there are regulations they are not enforced), the safety and health of the workers is compromised every day, and the workers are paid next to nothing. Not to mention the reckless endangerment of the enviroment. The ideal global worker for these jobs are young women... 90% of the workers are women age 16 – 26. This is the FEMINIZATION OF LABOR.

In this world women of globalization and exploitation women are treated like commodities and objects to be bought and sold. (like slaves) Women are considered the ideal "surplus" work force as they are percieved as agile, cheap, and powerless. Most women who work in these off shore hell holes are single mothers whose land and lives are being explioted.

We watched a film called Maquilopolis. YOU MUST WATCH THIS FILM.
YOU CAN SEE PARTS OF IT ON LINE HERE.

"This unique documentary tells the story of globalization from the personal perspectives of Carmen and a dynamic group of Mexican maquiladora workers who together are working towards creating liveable solutions to the complexities of life in a globalized city. "The film meets women who are each dealing with the hardships of environmental toxins, labor rights abuse, infrastructure and housing issues, and women's rights . MAQUILAPOLIS approaches the workers as experts who can provide us with keys to our common future, inviting them to co-author their own story on videotape."

"Maquiladoras are the multinationally-owned assembly plants which dominate the economy of the U.S.-Mexico border region, employing over a million people. Carmen is one of these people. She works the graveyard shift, six nights a week, in Tijuana's Panasonic factory. After making television components all night, Carmen comes home to a shack she built out of recycled garage doors, in a neighborhood with no paved streets, no sewage lines and no electricity. A single mother, Carmen takes care of her three children all day, and if she's lucky she sleeps for an hour or two before heading off to work again. At 29, she suffers from kidney failure and anemia resulting from her years of factory work. Carmen earns six dollars a day. "

Ending Violence Against... Myself

2008-01-22T17:14:00.000-08:00

I have been struggling since the winter quarter started with my choice to work with the Committee Organizing Rape Education. I want very much to be a part of the solution... but I was quickly coming to the realization that I was not ready to work for CORE.

I went to my first counseling appointment for at the Student Counseling Center last week... and as part of the intake appointment... I was referred to the organization I work for... for help. This a light bulb moment.

I have also been struggling with some PTSD symptoms lately... including low self-esteem, shattered self-confidence, and self-doubt. As a result making a decision about quitting CORE was a difficult one. I wavered. I worried that it might mean that I don't really care enough about ending violence against women (even though I know that isn't true). I was beating myself up... I was thinking that if I really cared I would brave that difficult path, even though I wasn't ready. I felt bad about not being able to do it.

I talked to a friend, a fire-starting radical feminist, that I am lucky to have met... and she listened while I shared my concerns. She basically said
"you have to stop doing violence to yourself"

She said that everyday... she looks in the mirror and tells herself that she is a beautiful, worthy, and loved person... and that that is a revolutionary act in itself.

She said... if you want to end violence against women. Start with yourself. Love yourself!

What she said to me had a profound affect. I had often heard the saying, "Don't beat yourself up" but it had lost it power. But when she said "stop doing violence to yourself" it finally took. It is easy to forget that violence comes in many forms: physical, mental, emotional...

When telling another friend about this concept. She told me I maybe battling with internalized sexism and abuse. I guess that is what happens when you suffer oppression from others... you don't even realize how conditioned you are to that behavior... and don't recognize you are doing it to yourself.

So... when my friend says that looking in the mirror and telling yourself you are beautiful, worthy, and loved... is a REVOLUTIONARY act... she was so right. It is HARD WORK to undo the bad habits in our culture and in our own minds.

When she speaks to herself in this kind way... it is revolutionary on two accounts. First that the she is changing how she treats herself... and second it changes the way she exists in the world.

rev·o·lu·tion·ar·y
a. Revolutionary Relating to or being a revolution
b. Bringing about or supporting a political or social revolution
C. Marked by or resulting in radical change: a revolutionary discovery

--------------

I let CORE know yesterday... that I just wasn't ready... and that I need to take care of myself right now. I will still volunteer with them. I had to be kind to myself and give myself more time to heal. Once I have healed myself... I will be strong and ready to help others in that way.

It is liberating for me to recognize that I can help end violence just by taking care of me... and that there are so many paths to awareness, activism, understanding, and change.

Thank you Shae.

------------------------------------------------------------------
I found the following quote... I don't know who said this but I love it.

"It is not by accident that we come by our 'common sense'.
People who think freely and independently are quick to realise
how they have been taught to imprison and enslave themselves.
In breaking free they become the champions of un-common
sense. May their thoughts be clear, fruitful, and infectious."

Play Violence begets REAL Violence

2008-01-21T22:05:00.000-08:00

This weekend I watched a documentary called Wrestling with Manhood- Boys, Bullying, and Battering

I think it is crucial film. After being raped... I asked myself why... why did this happen to me? I think looking at the power issues around the concepts of Masculinity is a start...
Just further proof that gender is a trap... and a dangerous one at that... for men and women.

"Wrestling with Manhood is the first educational program to pay attention to the enormous popularity of professional wrestling among male youth, addressing its relationship to real-life violence and probing the social values that sustain it as a powerful cultural force. Richly illustrating their analysis with numerous examples, Sut Jhally and Jackson Katz - the award-winning creators of the videos Dreamworlds and Tough Guise, respectively - offer a new way to think about the enduring problems of men's violence against women and bullying in our schools.

Drawing the connection between professional wrestling and the construction of contemporary masculinity, they show how so-called "entertainment" is related to homophobia, sexual assault and relationship violence. They further argue that to not engage with wrestling in a serious manner allows cynical promoters of violence and sexism an uncontested role in the process by which boys become "men." Designed to engage the wrestling fan as well as the cultural analyst, Wrestling with Manhood will provoke spirited debate about some of our most serious social problems"

Here is the trailer for Wrestling with Manhood

And I found this clip too from "Tough Guise"

"While the social construction of femininity has been widely examined, the dominant role of masculinity has until recently remained largely invisible. Tough Guise is the first educational video geared toward college and high school students to systematically examine the relationship between pop-cultural imagery and the social construction of masculine identities in the U.S. at the dawn of the 21st century. In this innovative and wide-ranging analysis, Jackson Katz argues that widespread violence in American society, including the tragic school shootings in Littleton, Colorado, Jonesboro, Arkansas, and elsewhere, needs to be understood as part of an ongoing crisis in masculinity."

I applaud both of these documentaries and encourage everyone to rethink their gender role and what it asks of them... Who is running your life? You? Or a string of propagated lies?
I want this culture to revisit the concept of masculinity... and redefine it to allow for respect, freedom, and peace.

And please stop letting your children watch WWE!!!

How do we learn to be our gender? And Why?

2008-01-19T14:46:00.000-08:00

Gender Every Day

An attempt to take a closer look at how deeply ingrained gender is... just by analyzing a morning and it's gendered activities.

(for some reason I feel compelled to mention I do brush my teeth... but I did not see it as a gendered activity plus the assignment was not to be longer than two pages)

Description:
I woke up and surveyed my apartment. I made sure the door was still locked and alarm set. I washed my hands with Tropical Passion Fruit soap. For breakfast, I had Oatmeal and Yoplait yogurt. I fed my kitten. I washed my face with Dove “Pro-Age” facial cleanser. In the shower, I used Herbal Essences “Body Envy” nectarine and floral shampoo and conditioner. I used SoftSoap’s Pomegranate and Mango Body Wash. I shaved my legs with a Lady Bic shaver and Skintimate shaving lotion. After my shower I used Mineral Therapy body lotion and Ponds face cream. I applied my Lady Speed Stick “Floral Splash” deodorant. I used my hair dryer to blow dry my hair. Then I put on my make-up, which includes drugstore brands, such as CoverGirl and L’Oreal. I applied the following: Aqua Smooth foundation, creamy natural powder, tinted raspberry chap-stick, rosewood blush, shimmer eye shadow, brightening eyeliner, and mascara. I put on socks, white underwear, a bra, jeans, a white lace under shirt, a black top, and red rain boots with white polka-dots. Then I grabbed my phone, wallet, and chap-stick from my purse and put them in my backpack and went to class.

Analysis:
Every morning I wake up and survey my apartment because I want to be sure no one has broken in. I see this as a gendered action. I think most females have learned to fear for their safety. Next I want to focus on my products with floral and fruity scents which seem linked to concepts of purity, beauty, fragility, and fertility. These concepts meet society’s expectations for an attractive female, but they also make me feel pretty and feminine. My partner says it is fun for him to shower at my place because he would never buy those products for himself. He says the shampoo smells so good but the bottles are too curvy and feminine. I see my breakfast as gender neutral with the exception of the Yoplait yogurt which is marketed towards women for what appears to be health reasons that don’t resonate with the male gender. Feeding a cat is gender neutral, but I think having a cat tends to be more acceptable for females because cats have feminine attributes, as they are affectionate and soft. I have witnessed men being teased for having a cat. In the shower I washed my face with “Pro-Age” facial cleanser because I want to stay young looking. Aging in females is reinforced as appalling. A woman’s worth is so heavily judged by her appearance and youth. My “Body Envy” shampoo and conditioner bottles are slender, as well as curvy. The bottles are also opposite shapes which match up with one another to make it clear they are a pair. The name and shape of the bottles insinuate the ideal female body image. As a single woman, I feel the fact that the bottles interlock drives home the pressure and/or desire to be “coupled up”. I find it silly, but females seem to attain a more worthy status when they are in a relationship with a man. Next I shaved my legs, something only women do, to fulfill the smooth and sexy female ideal. I recall now, that I started shaving my legs at 12 years old because a boy made fun of me. My razor is pink, of course, and curvy too. My shaving lotion, “Skintimate”, sexualizes my legs and reinforces that I will be sexy if I shave with that product. I use lotions to keep my skin soft and healthy which may also make me more attractive. My deodorant, Lady Speed Stick, is marketed to women and it is what my mom uses. I don’t enjoy blow drying my hair because it takes a lot of time, but I have always thought long hair was pretty. My dad always told me women should have long hair. I think I have kept it long because it does make me feel feminine and it is a clear indication to the world that I am a female. Make-up is a strange phenomenon to me. I quit wearing make-up for while. I felt it was an everyday reminder that I am not good enough as I am. Men don’t need to wear make-up. Why is it the woman’s role to work so hard to be attractive? Does it demonstrate the expectation of females to please and serve males? Does the name “Make-up” imply I am making myself into something? These actions have become so normalized it is hard for me to tell. Eventually I began to wear makeup again, when I felt it was a choice, rather than expected. I am still not sure why I wear it. My clothes are fairly gender neutral minus the bra and lace top, which qualify as feminine and sexy. Where is this constant need to be attractive and/or sexy coming from? I don’t think it is always my desire to be sexy. I think I do it to fulfill my gender role. My polka dot rain boots might be accepted as girly, but they are a fun rebellious treat, after escaping the business attire of the corporate world. Finally, I condense all my necessities from my gendered purse into my gender neutral backpack. I head out to get an education and participate in society, which is something that, as a female, I won’t ever take for granted.

***Side note I have recently noticed that toilet paper is marketed in odd ways, Quilted Northern shows 3 women, 2 white and one black, as seamstresses quilting the toilet paper on the package. Sewing has long been viewed as "women's work"... so who are they targeting? Who buys the toilet paper off the shelves in this world. I am going to guess it is women since other toilet paper products show babies and puppies on them. Anyway.. I just found that odd.

Slow Down Week - January 13th - 19th

2008-01-16T23:48:00.000-08:00

A friend sent this to me... I wish I would have seen this earlier this week ;-) Although, I did just steal a nap on the couch with my cat!

See the Slow Down Week Video at Adbusters

This is so true. We all move too fast!
I know at the beginning of the Winter Quarter I have been feeling overwhelmed. I have been working on an assignment called "Gender Everyday" for my Intro to Women's Studies course.... and in writing the first part of the paper I realized how much I do in a morning just to get out the door. And that is just the morning and I have no children!!

I thought I'd share the assignment with you and post my paper at the end of this week.

The Gender Every Day assignment is designed to increase your awareness of the construction of gender—how it is performed and maintained and how it is articulated along with race, class, sexuality, and national identity. The goal of the assignment is for you to begin to become more aware of the ways in which your daily life is shaped by gendered activities, habits, and beliefs.

The assignment has two parts:

First:
Write a paragraph that describes your practices of grooming, eating, and preparing to leave you home/apartment/dorm this morning. Pay close attention to the different kinds of consumer products you used, the food you ate, the clothing you wore, etc.

Second:
Critical Analysis - Rewrite your paragraph by organizing it in such a way as to pinpoint the activities that most demonstrate the way you actively create a gendered identity. In other words, instead of simply describing the activities you engaged in, you should evaluate and analyze the activities previously described. You should ask yourself things like, "why do I choose to use this type of shampoo?", Think about... what does the shampoo bottle look like? Who is a floral and citrus smell designed for and why is it that way?

Again, I will post my Gender Everyday Assignment... but after slow down week!
I love this slow down week idea!

Peace.

New Years, Anniversaries, and Unbirthdays

2008-01-01T21:27:00.000-08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone :-) I am hoping for a great year. I have so many ideas and things I want to accomplish. I am very excited to be focusing on school this year!

I heard a woman say once that when she looks back on her life she'd rather say she shouldn't have done something... rather than she should have... I liked that.

I have walked in a lot of shoes and had many experiences in my life so far... and there are very few things I feel I would say I should have done... other than going back to college and getting a degree. So I am very happy that I am pursuing that dream now! I quit my full time job just before Christmas so I can focus on school. It was hard to walk away from that secure income... but I know I am doing the right thing and I am so happy to have this chance. I have worked very hard to make this happen and I going to love every minute of it! Fall quarter went well :-) I got a 3.8!! I was hoping for a 4.0 but I am pretty happy with a 3.8 which equates to a 95%!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to Allegory of a Cave!
Last year I started this blog on January 1st! I wanted to talk about so many things but mostly I wanted to talk about my rape and address issues with sexual violence and oppression of women. I hoped to connect with other bloggers too... and I have... and I cherish that! Thank you to all of you! I enjoy reading your blogs and sharing mine with you :-)

Now that I am back in school full time and easing up on the workload.. I plan to blog more!
I look forward to our discussions in 2008 :-)

UN-BIRTHDAY #2 (2007)
In 2006 I decided I should have an un-birthday every year... when I need one :-) This year has been so busy I almost forgot to celebrate my un-birthday! In case you are unfamiliar with an un-birthday... it is just a day that you pick each year and treat yourself spontaneously!

This year mine was on the 12/30. Normally I am not allowed to eat wheat. I have Celiac Sprue disease... and I miss my favorite foods that have wheat in them... So I took one day to break the rules and indulge in wheat!

My boyfriend and I went to breakfast and had pancakes and a cinnamon roll! Yummy rebellion!

Then we went to the Olympic Sculpture Park in Seattle. It was a cold day but the sun was out an it was great! Here are some of the photos from the visit...

Then we went for a cup of coffee and a cupcake at Trophy Cupcakes in Wallingford. They have the best cupcakes ever! I made an un-birthday wish there :-)

Then we went to see Juno. I loved it!!! Some wonder if the movie is pro-life. I didn't see it as pro-life... but rather pro-choice. She had the option to choose. Which is a basic right that we must protect.

To top the day off... we went out for pizza! Ahhhhh.... what a joy a piece of pizza is! It has been years since I enjoyed a pizza out :-)

So much to celebrate!

Here is to a Happy and Adventurous New Year!

Peace!

Songs Ohia

2007-12-04T18:09:00.000-08:00

Studying rape cases in a coffee shop today.... I heard this song. I fell in love with it immediately.
It is by Songs Ohia a.k.a The Magnolia Electric Company

It is quite dark... but it IS december... and I am a sucker for a sad beautiful story.
Take a listen next door on my playlist >>>>

Hold On Magnolia
Hold on Magnolia to that great highway moon
No one has to be that strong
But if you’re stubborn like me
I know what you’re trying to be
Hold on Magnolia, I hear that station bell ring
You might be holding the last light I see
Before the dark finally gets a hold of me
Hold on Magnolia, I know what a true friend you’ve been
In my life I have had my doubts
But tonight I think I’ve worked it out with all of them
Hold on Magnolia to the thunder and the rain
To the lightning that has just signed my name to the bottom line
Hold on Magnolia, I hear that lonesome whistle whine
Hold on Magnolia
I think its almost time

Activism Vs. Escapism and the Violent Radicalization and Homegrown Terrorism Prevention Act of 2007

2007-12-02T15:03:00.000-08:00

Standing in a long line at the grocery store the other day... I had time again to gaze at all the magazines. Every time I see these magazines at the check stands I feel so upset.

While waiting in line I was thinking how I wished the stores didn't sell this junk right at check stand. I was thinking... what can I do to stop the focus our society seems to have on this ridiculous stuff?

I don't care about Brittney or anything the "stars" think about who's dating who... or what you should be wearing. I am sick of the barrage of crap.

I thought... I want make stickers to slap on the covers of these magazines. They would say something like...

"Stop killing trees to spread this pathetic junk that no one needs to know... and start talking about things that REALLY matter... Maybe if we all worked on the things that really mattered...then the REAL world would improve and you wouldn't feel the need to escape from reality by delving into this empty junk touting star gossip"

I really think that if we all joined together to work and make our reality better then the need to escape goes away. It is like... the dishes in the sink don't clean themselves while I am at the movies... you know?

Ugh! Seems obvious to me that all this distracting, empty, dancing with the stars, escapist entertainment... is creating a neglectful society. That neglect of participating in your communities, activism, voting, and protecting our liberties is catching up with us. It is time to pay attention, protect, and repair the corrupt system that has run amok while folks are busy consuming empty calories of junk news. I plead with people to consider the news they are digesting... garbage in... garage out.

We WILL lose our freedoms and rights we stop being involved with creating them.
Everyone should be an activist. Activism, in a general sense, can be described as intentional action or inaction to bring about social or political change. But it should be viewed as a constant that is not just intended to "bring about" change but also to maintain liberties.

Case in point. This is very scary...

There are currently two bills in the senate known as Violent Radicalization and Homegrown Terrorism Prevention Act of 2007 (HR 1955 and S. 1959) Under the bill any person that uses or plans to use force to advance political or social objectives could be considered a terrorist. This could give our government the power to arrest, prosecute and incarcerate not just domestic terrorists and violent political radicals, but any American citizen who voices opposition to the U.S . Government for any reason. HR 1955 has already passed the House by 404 to 6, on October 20th, but we still have a chance to stop it's passage in the Senate.

"HR 1955, in my understanding, provides a basis for subjective interpretation of dissident speech that allows those in power to criminally penalize anything they considered to be particularly effective in terms of galvanizing an opposition that might conceivably in some sense disrupt or destabilized the status quo,...."
-Ward Churchill, author, academic and prominent critic of HR 1955 and S. 1959

Circulate widely: This is not in the media, it is up to the grassroots community to spread the wordStop these bills from being passed in the Senate! Please call your senators and sign the online p etition: http://www.petitiononline.com/19551959/petition.html

Both bills define homegrown terrorism as the following: "(3) HOMEGROWN TERRORISM- The term `homegrown terrorism' means the use, planned use, or threatened use, of force or violence by a group or individual born, raised, or based and operating primarily within the United States or any possession of the United States t o intimidate or coerce the United States government, the civilian population of the United States, or any segment thereof, in furtherance of political or social objectives."

You can see both bills by going to the links below and clicking on

Full Text House version (now in the senate)

Senate version

Please take action.

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I also wanted to mention Naomi Wolf's book The End of America: Letter of Warning to a Young Patriot In which she says that history shows there are certain steps that any would-be dictator must take to destroy constitutional freedoms... in 10 steps.

The following information is take from an article in the Guardian, Fascist America, in 10 easy steps

Brace yourself. You will recognize these...

1. Invoke a terrifying internal and external enemy
Creating a terrifying threat - hydra-like, secretive, evil - is an old trick.

2. Create a gulag
Once you have got everyone scared, the next step is to create a prison system outside the rule of law (as Bush put it, he wanted the American detention centre at Guantánamo Bay to be situated in legal "outer space") - where torture takes place.

3. Develop a thug caste
When leaders who seek what I call a "fascist shift" want to close down an open society, they send paramilitary groups of scary young men out to terrorise citizens.

4. Set up an internal surveillance system
In closed societies, this surveillance is cast as being about "national security"; the true function is to keep citizens docile and inhibit their activism and dissent.

5. Harass citizens' groups
The ACLU reports that thousands of ordinary American anti-war, environmental and other groups have been infiltrated by agents: a secret Pentagon database includes more than four dozen peaceful anti-war meetings, rallies or marches by American citizens in its category of 1,500 "suspicious incidents". The equally secret Counterintelligence Field Activity (Cifa) agency of the Department of Defense has been gathering information about domestic organizations engaged in peaceful political activities: Cifa is supposed to track "potential terrorist threats" as it watches ordinary US citizen activists. A little-noticed new law has redefined activism such as animal rights protests as "terrorism". So the definition of "terrorist" slowly expands to include the opposition.

6. Engage in arbitrary detention and release
Anti-war marcher? Potential terrorist. Support the constitution? Potential terrorist. History shows that the categories of "enemy of the people" tend to expand ever deeper into civil life. It is a standard practice of fascist societies that once you are on the list, you can't get off.

7. Target key individuals
Most recently, the administration purged eight US attorneys for what looks like insufficient political loyalty. When Goebbels purged the civil service in April 1933, attorneys were "coordinated" too, a step that eased the way of the increasingly brutal laws to follow.

8. Control the press
What you already have is a White House directing a stream of false information that is so relentless that it is increasingly hard to sort out truth from untruth. In a fascist system, it's not the lies that count but the muddying. When citizens can't tell real news from fake, they give up their demands for accountability bit by bit.

9. Dissent equals treason
Cast dissent as "treason" and criticism as "espionage'. Every closing society does this, just as it elaborates laws that increasingly criminalise certain kinds of speech and expand the definition of "spy" and "traitor".
Most Americans surely do not get this yet. No wonder: it is hard to believe, even though it is true. In every closing society, at a certain point there are some high-profile arrests - usually of opposition leaders, clergy and journalists. Then everything goes quiet. After those arrests, there are still newspapers, courts, TV and radio, and the facades of a civil society. There just isn't real dissent. There just isn't freedom. If you look at history, just before those arrests is where we are now.

10. Suspend the rule of law
The John Warner Defense Authorization Act of 2007 gave the president new powers over the national guard. This means that in a national emergency - which the president now has enhanced powers to declare - he can send Michigan's militia to enforce a state of emergency that he has declared in Oregon, over the objections of the state's governor and its citizens.
Even as Americans were focused on Britney Spears's meltdown and the question of who fathered Anna Nicole's baby, the New York Times editorialised about this shift: "A disturbing recent phenomenon in Washington is that laws that strike to the heart of American democracy have been passed in the dead of night ... Beyond actual insurrection, the president may now use military troops as a domestic police force in response to a natural disaster, a disease outbreak, terrorist attack or any 'other condition'."

It is a mistake to think that early in a fascist shift you see the profile of barbed wire against the sky. In the early days, things look normal on the surface; peasants were celebrating harvest festivals in Calabria in 1922; people were shopping and going to the movies in Berlin in 1931. Early on, as WH Auden put it, the horror is always elsewhere - while someone is being tortured, children are skating, ships are sailing: "dogs go on with their doggy life ... How everything turns away/ Quite leisurely from the disaster."

As Americans turn away quite leisurely, keeping tuned to internet shopping and American Idol, the foundations of democracy are being fatally corroded. Something has changed profoundly that weakens us unprecedentedly: our democratic traditions, independent judiciary and free press do their work today in a context in which we are "at war" in a "long war" - a war without end, on a battlefield described as the globe, in a context that gives the president - without US citizens realising it yet - the power over US citizens of freedom or long solitary incarceration, on his say-so alone.

"The accumulation of all powers, legislative, executive, and judiciary, in the same hands ... is the definition of tyranny," wrote James Madison. We still have the choice to stop going down this road; we can stand our ground and fight for our nation, and take up the banner the founders asked us to carry."

BE PEACEFUL AND PURPOSEFUL.

Two Post Day!!

2007-11-28T22:02:00.000-08:00

I forgot to share Brandi Carlile's Fan Page - Again Today

She has a new song playing on it called "The Heartache Can Wait"

This one goes to my girls in Blaze who are tired and hanging in there ;-) I give you all an A+

Oh I also noticed they posted support for Home Alive. I wrote to Brandi Carlile and her awesome management and asked for help for Home Alive.

THANK YOU!

Home Alive is seeing donations already. Oh my smiling heart!! :-)

Ball Of Confusion... and The Blaze Collective

2007-11-28T20:35:00.000-08:00

I just got out of a great meeting with the new feminist organization we are starting on campus!
We are The Blaze Collective! These women are amazing!

I shared my rape story tonight. It felt good to get it out. I thank them all for being there and listening! It also felt so great to listen to them as they opened up.

I am so happy to be in this group of women who come together to share our hearts and minds and confusion over the issues we see in the world.

We are going to do some seriously wonderful activist work! Lots of guerrilla art to come :-)

Oh and I just found these great snippets...
Patriarchy Does Not Mean Men
http://guerillawomentn.blogspot.com/2005/06/patriarchy-does-not-mean-men.html

and another relevant lead..
I Blame the Patriarchy
http://blog.iblamethepatriarchy.com/

Then I got home and remembered this song I heard the other day. I don't know how I never heard BALL OF CONFUSION by the Temptations. Which you can select and listen to on the side bar :-)

Heard it on KBCS 91.3fm last Saturday night on One Step Beyond - Saturdays 8-10 p.m. which explores the sounds that shaped soul music.

Next up on KBCS was Zulu Radio - Saturdays 10 p.m.-1 a.m. Zulu Radio provides an outlet for up-and-coming independent hip hop artists, both locally and worldwide. Hosts Khazm, Sean Malik and WD4D bring their talent from the Seattle chapter of the Universal Zulu Nation, CHECK IT OUT and intend to spread awareness of hip hop not only as a cultural movement, but as a vehicle for cross-cultural and community outreach, nurturing positive growth within communities. They also mention encouraging, "more positive images of women and the urban experience which are free of the stereotypical images that assault the minds of our youth."

This guys are AWESOME! Here is a little more of their message...
"Zulu Nation's purpose is to raise social awareness through forms of expression as a positive outlet for underprivileged youth, alternatively providing a forum for them to air grievances and settle disputes in a non-violent manner.

Additionally, Zulu Nation's motto "Knowledge, Wisdom, and Understanding" was basis for street education through various literature called 'Infinity Lessons". The organization is fundamental to the establishment of Hip Hop as a universal culture that transcends all the boundaries of race, age, beliefs, sex, locality, and social status."

So much going on... but I better get studying... I leave you with these lyrics...
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BALL OF CONFUSION

1, 2... 1, 2, 3, 4, Ow! People moving out, people moving in.

Why, because of the color of their skin. Run, run, run but you sure can't hide. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Vote for me and I'll set you free. Rap on, brother, rap on.

Well, the only person talking about love thy brother is the...(preacher.) And it seems nobody's interested in learning but the...(teacher.)

Segregation, determination, demonstration, integration, Aggravation, humiliation, obligation to our nation.Ball of confusion.

Oh yeah, that's what the world is today. Woo, hey, hey.

The sale of pills are at an all time high. Young folks walking round with their heads in the sky. The cities ablaze in the summer time. And oh, the beat goes on.

Evolution, revolution, gun control, sound of soul. Shooting rockets to the moon, kids growing up too soon. Politicians say more taxes will solve everything.

And the band played on. So, round and around and around we go. Where the world's headed, nobody knows. Oh, great GoogaMooga, can't you hear me talking to you.

Just a ball of confusion.Oh yeah, that's what the world is today.Woo, hey, hey.

Fear in the air, tension everywhere. Unemployment rising fast, the Beatles new record's a gas. And the only safe place to live is on an Indian reservation.

And the band played on. Eve of destruction, tax deduction, city inspectors, bill collectors, Mod clothes in demand, population out of hand, suicide, too many bills, Hippies moving to the hills.

People all over the world are shouting, 'End the war.'

And the band played on. Great GoogaMooga, can't you hear me talking to you.

Sayin'... ball of confusion.

That's what the world is today, hey, hey.

Let me hear ya, let me hear ya, let me hear ya.

Sayin'... ball of confusion.

Snow Angel - for those who battle and hope for peace

2007-11-15T22:40:00.000-08:00

Browsing for unusual holiday music... I came across this song. I have always like Over the Rhine but they have really outdone themselves this time. This music is so beautiful. You can listen to it on the side bar >>> Just select Snow Angel and click play >>>

I was listening to it this morning on the way to work and I was overcome with emotion.
During this time of year as my thoughts to warm places, sparkling lights, and good people... I strikes me how the pain of war and loss contrasts so starkly. I wish they would just bring our soldiers home and stop this crazy war.

I also think of my dear cousin Brian as he gracefully walks away from his battle with cancer. He has fought so long and hard. He has endured 350 hours of chemotherapy with minimal success. I still have hope for him... but just in a different way. I hope for peace.

So for the soldiers and their loved ones... for Brian.... and for peace...

Snow Angel

by Over the Rhine

Once upon a winter
It seems so long ago
My one and only love and I
Fell down upon the snow
And as the dusk was falling
From our gray and goose down sky
We heard the old cathedral bells
Ring out our lullaby

Snow angel, snow angel
Someday I’m gonna fly
This cold and broken heart of mine
Will one day wave goodbye
Goodbye to this cruel wicked world
And all the tears I’ve cried
Snow angel, snow angel
I’ll meet you in the sky

The rumors of a distant war
Called my true love’s name
He packed his leather suitcase
And spoke no word of blame
We walked awhile together
I tried to hide my fear
He told me not to be afraid
And whispered in my ear

Snow angel, snow angel
Someday I’m gonna fly
This cold and broken heart of mine
Will one day wave goodbye
Goodbye to this cruel wicked world
And all the tears I’ve cried
Snow angel, snow angel
I’ll meet you in the sky

They brought my love home from the war
In a cart pulled by white mules
The Christmas bells rang out that day
Oblivious as fools
And as the snow began to fall
I kissed his frozen face
They told me in his woolen coat
His last few words were placed

Snow angel, snow angel
Someday I’m gonna fly
This cold and broken heart of mine
Will one day wave goodbye
Goodbye to this cruel wicked world
And all the tears I’ve cried
Snow angel, snow angel
I’ll meet you in the sky

Goody Goody! Something new to me!!

2007-11-13T17:23:00.000-08:00

FEMINIST LAW PROFESSORS BLOG!

School and getting away updates....

2007-11-13T10:07:00.000-08:00

Oh how I miss my blog time!

I have been sucked into my classes this quarter. The information I am learning in my Women and Law class has turned me inside out and upside down. As soon as I have a chance to process all I have learned I am sure I will have a lot to say.

Right now all I can quickly offer is... if you haven't heard of a woman named Catherine MacKinnon. You must delve into her brilliant work!

Also I have to share some photos from my 2 day excursion to Leavenworth WA a Bavarian village nestled in the Cascade Mountains :-) Where I had the best dinner ever at Pavz A wonderful restaurant aptly named after Pavlov's Dog salivation!

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Morning fog lifting over the town...

A cool old Chevy near the Icicle Ridge Winery

Behold the power of cheese...

Surrounded views of the mountains, this man played the Alphorn, it is a beautiful beginning to your day. I cried because I was so moved by the thought that here they get up early and play
music to the mountains and wind.

I dig fireplaces... this one is in the winery.

And who doesn't love snow capped misty mountains and windy roads...

Introducing Isabella! "Izzy"

2007-10-14T19:30:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since my last post! I am have been busy with travel, legal stuff, work, starting school, Home Alive Auction Planning and my new little kitten :-)

Since Shakespeare passed.... I was really missing a little friend at home. Two weeks ago I picked up this little orange sweetie from the Animal Shelter.

I adore her and she has been a great source of much needed laughter!

It has taken me two weeks to name my little sweet kitty! I had a bunch of ideas. I wanted to name her after a strong leading woman, or a feminist, or one of my favorite authors, or one of the female characters in Shakespeare's plays (in homage to my sweet old friend).

Finally yesterday I looked to my bookshelves again for inspiration... and saw one of my favorite books called "The Beggar King and the Secret of Happiness" by Joel Ben Izzy!

I liked the sound of Izzy! It is playful and fuzzy sounding. Then I thought Izzy... Isabella!
Isabella - Origin: Italian
Meaning: Beautiful one

And Isabella... was Queen Isabella of Spain -- a woman who adopted "novel feminist ideas." And there's a fascinating book -- Isabel Rules -- which "applies a materialist feminist perspective to a wide array of texts of the second half of the fifteenth century in order to uncover and study the masculine psychosexual anxiety created by Isabel's anomalous power."

And in Shakespeare's "Measure for Measure" Isabella is a sort of savior. She takes matters into her own hands, and when faced with failure she simply puts another plan into action.
When Isabella, throughout the dialogue an advocate of more rights for women, argues that obedience should be a reciprocal duty like all the others—“But as meet is it that the husband should obey the wife, as the wife the husband, or at the least that there be no superiority between them,” (sig./D8)—her position is denied by all present including the well-known humanist “father Erasmus,” a mostly silent character in the dialogue who speaks up at this point to declare without opposition that “both divine and human laws in our religion giveth the man absolute authority over the woman in all places”

And Feminist Isabella Alden showed a clearer picture of the treatment of women, and particularly feminists. In the 1800’s, women began to resist the codes of behavior placed on them by the conduct manuals, marriage and a gender based justice system.

And Isabella Beecher Hooker Suffragist, women's rights activist...
"There can be no true manhood nor true womanhood when men rule and women merely obey."

And finally a poem by Isabella Motadinyane

Shadows and Things

Moving shadows thicken on walls
voices become fluffy
to listening ears
but through mental errors
i stitched my speech
to set my back free
'just to let go'
an angel hanging from a thread
then heavy voices dropped from lollipops
shadows peeling off walls
i took a few strides to the bathroom
there i met a familiar stranger in the mirror
don't remember the self any more
only voices calling after me
on a full moon, under moving shadows
i left my mark on the floor

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That said, welcome my cuddle bug "Izzy" :-)

My baby girl is really gone...

2007-08-31T19:58:00.000-07:00

Last week on Thursday August 23rd.... I had to let my sweet pea go. Shakespeare was 15 1/2 years old. She was my comfort and joy. She had cancer and I could see she was suffering.

Last Thursday afternoon at about 1:30 she snuggled up near me exhausted in my lap at home on the couch... like she often did...except that day the vet sat next to me and administered a shot that put her to sleep and took her little life.

I had friends around me... but at that moment... everyone and everything in the room disappeared... and I could see was my baby girl gone... I cried and cried over her.

After a little while I asked them to take her from my arms...

It just happened so fast. I couldn't believe she was gone. I kept saying,"where did she go? where did my baby go?" I think I must know now what it is like to commit suicide and be aware of what you just did... it is so fast and so final...and there is NO going back.

While I feel I was doing the best thing for my sweet old love... it still rocks me that I could let her go. She took a big part of my heart with her. I am grieving horribly. My heart is so broken. I thought it would get better after it was over...because the I had finally made the decision... I would no longer be worrying over her... seeing the pain in her eyes... forcing the medicine's she hated taking on her... tortured with figuring out when was the right time.

I thought that with each day it would get better. It isn't getting better :-(

Everyday when I come home... and she isn't here... even as I approach my home in my car the disappointment sets in. I miss how she used to greet me rubbing her head on leg and my hand... telling me little stories in meows.

I miss holding her in my arms and kissing her on the head. I miss how she would settle in my arms and purr... she had the power to erase a bad day, calm my heart, and make me smile.

I miss giving her little treats and opening the window for her in the morning.

Her pure innocent affection softened the edges of the world. And almost every night for over 15 years she slept in my bed right next to me. I haven't been able to sleep this week since she has gone... I am grumpy at work, my heart races, my head feels light, and I am exhausted. I had no idea that her love brought me so much peace and I carried it with me everywhere I went. I am lost without her. I miss my girl. I am suffering this loss more than I thought I would. I wish I could have her back so badly.

I hope she is in peace and knows I loved her so. I have a lot of photos of her... and when I look at them I can feel her little furry face on my cheek... and I have to try not to cry at work about 10 times a day.

My dear Aunt Janis also sent me a little note today and it touched so much... she said,
"You're mom told me that you had to have Shakespeare put to sleep. I am so sorry! I had The Great Hairbonie 13 of his 14 years. When I had him put to sleep I cried, Jack cried and the employees at the vet's office all signed a sympathy card and sent it to me. It was a hard time.Our pets weren't just furry novelties. They were our friends through thick and thin - no matter how bad our breath was, confidants who NEVER told our secrets, wise companions who never lost patience with us or faith in us even when we did, and they were entertainers who could lift our spirits no matter how low we got!I cry with you, and I pray that you will find another companion to create new memories with.Love, Aunt Janis"

Isn't she so sweet and wonderful.

I just miss my girl and I can't stop crying today. This last year was pretty rough... after my rape my Shakespeare was the one source for true and constant affection and love. When I was a little girl I remember another cat I had... and as I child when times were tough. Even then I'd run to my cat and declare, "nobody understands but you kitty!" I feel like I did then...

Oh gosh I thought writing all this out would help but now I feel like I am running a fever and cannot stop crying.

I love you Shakey...where ever you are... I hope you feel the kind of peace I felt with you here.

I Have Learned To Live

2007-08-12T12:18:00.000-07:00

I have been working on this statement or poem for the last few weeks...it has been rolling around in my head and growing everyday. I think it may continue to grow... but for now I think I am ready to share it.

I was thinking last night that it has almost been a year since the rape... and time passing creates healing but it doesn't change the sense urgency I feel to make changes in this culture of rape.

I am also going to try to get something that has been in my mind out here today... It is still a thought... but I need to get it out....

I think many people just want to ignore the horrors of the world...as long as they don't happen to them. I know people who want to ignore my concern over the way our culture behaves towards women... and dismiss me as being over reactive to my rape. I don't think it is an overreaction but rather that my eyes have been opened to the fact that these behaviors encourage a rape culture.

I am sure some people think that the night of the rape is over and that I should just move on. But that night is never over... and I will move on... but just in a different direction because I am now armed with new truths.

I keep trying to come up with an analogy for how it feels to be raped... of course it will pale in comparison but I will try... I keep thinking of this....

Imagine, if you will, that you leave your front door unlocked while going into your home with groceries... or something like that ...that you normally do everyday... and a criminal walks in behind you... and this criminal is unwanted... and he hurts you... and he never ever leaves. He simply lives with you now...

Now let me ask you... are you angry? are you scared? do you tell anyone about it? If you tell people about it do they believe you? If you do tell the police... do they dismiss you and tell you there is nothing they can do? If the justice system does nothing about it.... would you work to change the justice system and to bring light to the issue?

How does it feel when the criminal... and other people tell you it is your fault for leaving the door open? Or that you just have to learn to live with it?

When you tell other people about it because you need help... do they tell you they don't want to hear it? Why don't they want to hear it? It is the truth and you need help... but they cannot be bothered.... Doesn't make much sense... does it?

This is they way people react to rape victims. I just don't get it...

I know everyone has their own battles to fight... but some injustices are ignored beyond belief.

Anyway... I am going to have to work on that line of thought more...

Until I can tidy that concept up... I offer this poem I wrote.

Oh and the formatting got screwed up when I posted it to the blog... there are supposed to be two sentences per thought....
----------------------------------------------

I HAVE LEARNED TO LIVE

I have learned to live with walking at night in the streets alone
With eyes in the back of my head and sharp words ready on the tip of my tongue.

I have learned to live behind the locked doors and windows, and to set the alarm,
and put the brace under the door, and check them all twice.

I have learned to live with the fact that I find reasons to delay going to sleep
And different reasons to not get up in the morning.

I have learned to live with the face of my rapist over me in nightmares
And I have learned how to calm myself down all alone in the quiet night.

I have learned to live with the fact that if anyone is going to save me
Physically or emotionally…It is going to be me.

I have learned to live with the man I fear is sneaking in my bathroom while I shower
Sometimes I don’t even peek out of the curtain anymore to confirm that he is not there.

I have learned to live with the worry that that stalker I had… is still looking in my windows
So I just close up tight at night and lock up my fear… and tell myself I will be OK.

I have learned to live with the newscasts announcing another sexual offender has been released or never prosecuted at all…or another young girl is found dead in the woods.

I have learned to live with the power of my body to attract unwanted attention
when I want to pass by unnoticed…which is why I think I pack a few extra pounds...

I have learned to live with that fact that my path that is littered with people who were once friends…who now avoid me because they are uncomfortable with the truth.

I have learned to live with hope that I will continue to find new friends… like the old dear friends who have stood by me…and the new ones who have embraced me and understand.

I have learned to live with the predictions “they” make… that I will never love again… that I will never enjoy sex again… and I know they are wrong.

I have learned to live with rage for the injustices in the world
And I try to strike a balance between awareness and action to keep my peace of mind.

I have learned to live with the fact that someone might try to hurt me again
But I have also been taught how to hit and kick and run… but also to stay calm and think.

I have learned to live with people who like to judge and label me… and who tell me that because I was raped, I am a man hater. I do not hate men. I hate rape.

I have learned to live with the sexual degradation of women on TV too
It is rampant and I can no longer simply change the channel…I must change the culture.

I have learned to live with that fact that when I mention feminism, an ideology focusing on equality of both sexes, I erroneously get labeled a lesbian…as if that is an insult.

I have learned to live in a world where gender and labels draw a divide… a divide that creates “us against them” violence… when we should all view each other as human first.

I have learned to live with the fact that when I am in a crowd there are many rapists there
But no one knows…because many women never tell…and when they do nothing happens.

I have learned to live with anger and fear but not let them stop me
And to balance my life with the joys of love and sweetness.

I have learned to live and trust in humankind again
But I know there is still no guarantee that my trust won’t be betrayed.

I have learned to live with the fact that even though I have more than paid my dues
That I am still in debt to this life, this world, and others in it.

I have learned to live with the ignorant apathy of those who have no sensitivity to victims
I know they cannot grasp it…and they may not join the fight… until it happens to them.

I have learned to live with the fact that I might be unpopular at dinner parties because
If and when I hear someone speak the language of degradation I will say something.

I have learned to live with the fact that I have a big battle ahead… to bring justice to him and to the justice system…and to change a culture of rape.

I have learned to live with people who cannot understand me
And who think that I am trying to hurt them by telling them I was raped.

I have learned to live with the need to covey that my rape is not a badge of honor or a source for a river of sympathy… it is simply a scar that I cannot and will not hide.

I have learned to live with being open about my rape... talking about it doesn't demean what happened. Rape is horrific but we must change the view that it is unspeakable.

I have learned to live with rape like an invasion of my country that I must rise up against
And I know I must speak out and remind others there is no shame in being a survivor.

I have learned to live with people who misunderstand my intentions
I do not share my truth to scare them… I share it to save them.

I have learned that I can free others suffering in silence by beating a path with my voice
I want others to walk that path too… and change this rape culture through awareness.
.
I have learned to live in a world where I feel surrounded by degradation and inequity
So I choose to work to incite the changes I need to see...or I would rather not live in it.

I have learned to live with fate that can be kind and cruel... as full of beauty as ugliness
I am not just to enjoy the beauty… but I am also responsible to put some beauty back.

I have learned to live with strength and dignity and to be myself…and I am a force to be reckoned with…I see the beauty I have… and the heart that beats proud within me.

I have learned to live… and thrive… and seek the truth… and to be empowered
Most importantly…I have learned to live again…he cannot take that from me.

I have learned to live through difficult times and I know there is much a human spirit can endure… but I want to work to ensure we do not suffer needlessly.

I have learned to live with the knowledge that life is short but while I am here…
I am going to do everything in my power to make this world a better place.

WOO-HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-07-25T17:03:00.001-07:00

Today I ran home to the mail box again... and today I found the long awaited envelope from the University of Washington! It is through tears of joy that I must shout...

I AM IN!

There are things in life that change you forever. I have had many occasions that changed the course of my life... but I think being accepted into the Women's s Studies Program is going to be one of the most profound. It has long been a dream of mine to return to school. I cannot tell you how I felt when I read the words, "Congratulations! With great pleasure I offer you admission"

After my rape... I knew that I needed to incite positive change and do everything I can to counteract this "culture of rape" and help other women. I believe that this degree will help me accomplish that dream. I want to thank everyone who has offered their love and support as I heal and go confidently in the direction of my dreams.

I am on my way! One foot in front of the other...
Ah... hard work and joy....

Oh... and I must pick a song that shows how I feel today! For some reason this was the first song that popped in my head! Maybe I "live too much in 82"

I get up, and nothing gets me down.

You got it tough.

I've seen the toughest around.

And I know, baby, just how you feel.

You've got to roll with the punches to get to whats real!

Woo-Hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My mom would like to add Celebration!

8 Random Facts about Sicily Sue

2007-07-21T13:18:00.000-07:00

Well I got tagged by my Supergirlest a while back... and with my busy work and school schedule I haven't had a chance to respond to the request to list 8 random facts about myself!

So here you go!

8 random facts about Sicily Sue

1. I love the color orange and all things orange. I am crazy for orange juice, carrots, cantaloupe, mangoes, orange peppers, sweet potatoes, pumpkins, and even orange soda and the dusty orange on Doritos! I love orange wheels on roller skates and orange life jackets. I love the sun and the orange glow of the fire… and I love the fact the nothing rhymes with orange. I dig orange poppies and marigolds too! I love how vibrant and alive orange is. It seems so fresh and clean and inviting. Have you ever been near someone peeling and orange and not drool and beg for a slice?

2. I like old vehicles. I especially like powdery baby blue trucks and bright green cars that shine with all the chrome details. I love the old silver bullet Airstream's… I WILL have one someday. That is a promise! Big old rusty convertibles call my name. They make me think of gravel roads and going on an adventure. I think old cars and summer nights are the best!

3. I have a cat named Shakespeare. I named her that because I love poetry and words and William Shakespeare had a handle on that ;-) I often tell her it is ironic that I love words so much and that still she has never even spoke one word to me! I wish she could. She is 15 years old now and I love her so very deeply. She has been with me through many things since I got her when I was 19 years old. She is sweet and calm. She meows funny… it sounds like she sings like a little bird. She road in a Uhaul with me when I moved to the Northwest and she got to see Mt. Rushmore on the way! Her other nicknames include: Shaky, Shaker Baker the Meow Maker, Punky Brewster, Little Girl, and Sugar Bear.

4. I have a thing for Roller Derby! Rat City Roller Girls Rule!

5. When was younger I used to dive competitively. I was pretty good too. I loved to slice the water. I could do all kinds of tricks. 1 1/2’s, gainers, back-flips, inwards, and many more fun things! I hit the board (with my face) once though while I was learning to do a back flip. I was 8yrs old. It knocked me out and someone had to fish me out of the pool. I bragged that I didn’t even cry…. Of course I didn’t I was passed out! I still have a little chip in my front tooth from that day!

6. I can’t eat wheat or gluten. I hate it! I just found out a few years ago. This means a long list of no-no foods that I really like… bread, pasta, pizza, beer, sandwiches, bagels, cookies, cake, anything breaded and fried, flour tortillas, lot of soups, and even licorice! Those food makers love to use gluten in everything too…like most veggie burgers…which I used to eat all the time and the darn gluten is even in soy sauce. Plus the added annoyance of having to explain it to servers at restaurants…who usually assume I am on the Atkins diet… which I hate too!

7. I like to know how to speak in other languages! I often ask the basics of people I meet who speak other languages. I am a very curious person. I speak Spanish almost fluently. I know enough sign language and finger spelling to get by in a deaf conversation. I can count to 5 in Japanese, ask you “What Gives?” in German (Was gibt's?) and cheers you in Russian! Nostrovia! I can also ask for Ice Cream“glas”in Swedish! Courtesy of my mother’s French classes I can also tell you to shut your mouth! Ferme la bouche! And in Swahili "Twende!" means Let's go!

8. I have learned that if you really want something and you are a little nervous or afraid to try... you should examine what is holding you back... If all that is standing in the way... is a lack of confidence... just go for it anyway... the confidence will come only after you see what you can do!

So since I have no idea who to tag with this same request to share 8 random facts! I invite everyone who reads this to share their 8 random things!

For a long time I believed God is Truth... now I believe that TRUTH is God.

2007-07-12T21:06:00.000-07:00

The words of Gandhi. TRUTH is God.

Tonight I watched a film called Water. This is a must see film and a must change issue.

"Water is set in 1938, when India was still under the colonial rule of the British. Following Hindu tradition, the marriage of young girls to older men was commonplace in parts of India. When a man died, his widow would be forced to spend the rest of her life in a widow's ashram, an institution for widows to make amends for the sins from her previous life that supposedly caused her husband's death.

Chuyia is an eight year old girl who has just lost her husband. She is deposited in the ashram for Hindu widows to spend the rest of her life in renunciation. "

Her story breaks my heart. All the women's stories break my heart.

Why do we live in a world where women are treated so poorly? Even now there are Widows forced to suffer after their husbands death. Why would a culture tell women they are worth nothing without their husband. That they may as well be dead too... and if they don't die... they should live in hell... and be shunned... and turned into prostitutes.

While my world is very very different from theirs. I see the trappings of a culture where degradation of women is ignored here too. I think some parts of the world just hide it better.

I haven't blogged in a long time. I have been so swamped trying to piece all the parts of the puzzle together so I can go back to school for Women's Studies. With work, random photo gigs and weddings, and Algebra classes... I have lost touch... not just with blogging... but with healing. Tonight I gave myself a break from the race and watched this film. I really needed it.

Life is so short. I cannot wait to make a difference in the world for women... for whatever my role will be in that play... I am auditioning now.

Let's all be truth seekers....

There my hat is back in the ring!

Going way back into victim blaming...

2007-06-12T16:21:00.000-07:00

After the rape I learned more than I ever wanted to know about the phenomenon of victim blaming. Now in the face of sexual harassment I have seen it take another form in sympathy for the perpetrator.

It crossed my mind today... that when I was molested at the age of 5 by my daycare center teacher... and I told my mom what he did to me... we had to go down to the police station to make a report.

I cried the whole way because I thought they were going to put me in jail. I used to chalk that up to being a confused kid. Or was I? Now I cannot help but wonder....Was I picking up on the message from our culture that the victim is to blame? It was clear to me then that not only was I to be concerned that no one would believe me... but that if they did believe me... it would have somehow been my fault.

This pathetic error in human behavior must be remodeled....

Sympathy for the Devil? Sexual Harassment is everywhere... it is just no one wants to talk about it

2007-06-10T18:02:00.000-07:00

Oh to be embarking on a long over due post!

I shouldn't really be taking this break from my Algebra studies tonight... but something is weighing on my mind... and that is Sexual Harassment in the workplace.

As you know... I was raped last year. It has been a really rough year. There has been immense change in my life as a result. As a rape victim I suffered severe PTSD. I couldn't work as a result and found myself on disability.

Recently I have attempted my return to work. I wanted to try to get back in the game. The transition filled me with fears of failing. I wondered if I was ready. I felt I was testing the ice and hoped I wouldn't slip through. I have always prided myself on my self sufficiency and it was something I wanted to try to get back.

I had a rough first week back and became sick from the stress... but I decided to push forward.
Lots of things in life are scary at the onset... but I had faith I could get back in the game.

It has been 3 weeks back at work and last Wednesday I had a rude awakening and disturbing intrusion. I was busy working and some man I had never seen before approached my desk asking if I was new. His very next question was "where do you live?" he asked this as he was staring straight at my chest. He continued staring at my chest and telling me all about himself. I was very uncomfortable. I had no idea who he was. He had no reason to be talking to me that was work related. AND Why was he asking me where I live???!!!

Then he told me that he had seen me getting coffee and that he just wandered all over the floor of the building (which is so huge it has columns numbered like a parking lot) to find me. This guys was really creeping me out!

Then a little later he came back to ask me out. He asked if I was "free to date". I didn't understand what he was asking me at first....and I said "What?" He said, "you know are you open for dates? " Like if I was "open" he was going to "book" me like some kind of whore! I think I was still dumbfounded when he continued... "you know... do you have a boyfriend or a husband?" I told him I do have a boyfriend and that I am not "open for dates". Then he kept telling me how attractive I am... and that that is why I must not be single. Most of the time he continued to stare at my chest. I think I began to dissociate (true to my PTSD) and I believe I may have just stared at the wall... but I am pretty sure I just zoned out...which most likely looked like I was just ignoring him... and he must have went away... because once I regained my senses he was gone.

Then a couple hours later... I went to the cafeteria and he was in there and walked up near me again and said, "I am not following you" ... to which I think I just said, "oh" and went on about my business.

I told my boss about it later that afternoon. He handled it well. And took fast action. He got HR involved right away and the EEOC. I spoke with my bosses boss too. Who wanted to talk with me to provide me with support and show her concern. Which I appreciated.

BUT I was very disappointed in HR's actions. I knew HR would talk to him. But I assumed they'd talk to me first. It is sad how with all the policies in place... once a group of humans get their hands on a sexually inappropriate issue... they muck it up horribly!

HR got the info from my boss and they went to talk to the guy. I would think they'd want to go to the source in such a sensitive situation! Then the HR woman comes to talk with me and my boss. She tells me she talked to him. And that he feels bad. Then she begins to sympathize with him. "Poor guy, just got divorced last year, and he is trying to get back in the dating game" and then she tells me how she broke it down for him...and explained that he should not approach women like he did me... and that when he asks where a woman lives ... and tells her he hunted her down... it is creepy. So now I she is coaching him on how to better approach women??? I don't get it!

Why the sympathy? Why the coaching on flirting? There is no excuse. I don't feel any fucking sympathy for this creep! HE SHOULD KNOW BETTER!!!!! No hitting on women at work period! I am just trying to do my job and get my life back. And this asshole... reduces me to a sexual object within 2 minutes of introducing himself.

And why was she coaching him on flirting? Why was she telling me about it?

At least they told him not to have any further contact with me.... but how is this supposed to make me more comfortable? I have to go to work everyday and have my heart race every time I walk away from my desk for fear of bumping into him. Never mind the fear of retaliation. Clearly this guy isn't screwed tight...who knows what he might think to do.

It makes me so mad! Sometimes I feel like the fight against degradation is never over. It makes me even more angry that for a minute today I wondered if I do something to cause these things to happen to me. I can't believe that thought even crossed my mind for a second. Just goes to show how deeply women can be conditioned to feel at fault for being a victim. I know I cannot control the fact that there are countless jerks out there.... I just want a break from it! ARGGHHH!!!!

So Friday while I was at work and seeking a quiet place to have frank conversation with the EEO Investigator assigned to this issue. I asked an assistant if she knew where I could have a private phone conversation and she pointed me to an empty office. At one point the investigator told me that they thought they might not be able to move him...but that if I want to move to another office they have north 30 miles... I could maybe do that. I told her I didn't think I should have to move ONE INCH or change ONE DAMN THING about my life to accommodate this ASSHOLE!

When I got off that difficult phone call... I walked out and thanked her.

And she says to me... "oh guess what? one of the guys here was asking if you are married!" I was worried it was that guy... but no... it was someone else....
She told him that I wasn't married....and he said, "Oh I am ALL OVER that!" Then she told him that I have a boyfriend though... and he said, "oh that don't mean nothing!" and that he was "gonna get me"

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This guy is like 20 years older than me too! There is just no freedom.
How can I continue to go to work feeling like I am surrounded by a bunch of nasty drooling troglodytes (as my boyfriend referred to them)

Without any further play by play... I'd like to detail the disturbing facts of this experience and some of the things that have been said to me as a result.

1. "It is gonna happen to you ...because you are too nice... so try to be more mean"

2. "Try not to smile so much"

3. "I don't know what to say... I only knew one girl who had a problem... but it was just date rape... so it wasn't like it was "real rape"... plus she had been kinda flirting with him before he raped her...so she figured she's just let it go" (out of the mouth of an educated woman!) ???? It is a HUGE problem that the common educated person thinks there is a difference between date rape and rape. Let me clarify... THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE!

4. Sympathize with the perpetrator - I don't know why but this happens all too easily. I think it is because people are uncomfortable with the situation and want it to not have happened... See this link for more info on this and this link to a old post from a fellow blogger and survivor

5. Remove the victim and not the perp (who is the problem)

6. "Oh you just have to expect that this stuff will happen when you work with lots of men. Don't over react"

7. HR has no idea what they are doing

So in light of all this I want to share a link I found to an article called, What is sexual harassment and why is it so difficult to confront?

Sexual harassment is unwanted and unwelcome behavior, or attention, of a sexual nature that interferes with your life. Sexual advances, forced sexual activity, statements about sexual orientation or sexuality, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature all constitute sexual harassment. The behavior may be direct or implied. Sexual harassment can affect an individuals work or school performance, and can create an intimidating, hostile, or offensive environment.

Sexual harassment can occur in a number of ways, such as:

The victim as well as the harasser can be either male, or female. The harasser does not have to be of the opposite sex.
The harasser can be anyone: the victim's supervisor, a client, a co-worker, a teacher or professor, a schoolmate, a stranger, even a family member.
The harasser's behavior must be unwelcome.
The victim does not have to be the person directly harassed but can be anyone who finds the behavior offensive and is affected by it.
While adverse effects on the victim are common, this does not have to be the case for the behavior to be unlawful.
The harasser may be completely unaware that their behavior is offensive or constitutes sexual harassment, or they may be completely unaware that their actions could be unlawful.

Uncertainty and Denial
Because sexual harassment encompasses a vast range of behavior, there is much confusion about the problem. (See Sexual Harassers ) In truth, sexual harassment actually relies on a victim's uncertainty about how to describe, and label, what is happening to them. A rape victims knows when they have been raped, but sexual harassment victims often do not understand what they are experiencing, or even why they are being hurt by it. Even if they can describe the experience to themselves, victims often differ in their willingness to accept what is happening.

Also, the people around the victim may have difficulty understanding and accepting that the harassment is occurring, and their reactions may increase the victim's confusion and isolation.
Most often, when a sexual harassment victim speaks out about what they are experiencing, they are the ones who are considered the problem, not the harasser.

For these reasons, and the fear that harassment can incite, most victims never report what they have experienced. Often, they do not even talk about it to friends and family. Plus, when there is denial (including institutional denial), disbelief or placement of blame on the victim, recovery is much more difficult.

Many specific factors can underlie the uncertainty in identifying, and accepting, what a sexual harassment victim has been experiencing. You may be struggling with:

Confusion --you don't know how to describe to yourself what has been happening

Embarrassment -- you may feel embarrassed by the experience

Victim-blaming -- Others may be blaming you for what has happened, and the "victim" may now have become the "accused." As in the case of sexual assault and rape, the dress, lifestyle and private life of the victim seem to become more important than the behaviour being investigated.

Guilt -- you may feel guilt over what has happened, or be blaming yourself.

Shame -- you feel ashamed of what has been happening; you may not want to accept the idea that you are a victim, or feel you should be able to stop the harassment

Denial – you don’t want to believe that this is real; those around you may not want to believe this, either.

Minimizing – you tell yourself it’s “not that big a deal,” I’m being overly sensitive” or “I’m being a prude.” You may be hearing this from others.

Fear – you are afraid of retaliation by your harassers or harasser's colleagues, your coworkers, or people further-up in the hierarchy at work or school. You may fear being isolated or ostracized by people at work or school. You may be afraid you will get the harasser in trouble when all you want is the behavior to stop.

Adaptation -- the abuse may have been going on for a long time, and the targets may feel that nothing can be done. Or, you have been told throughout your life that you should expect to be treated this way, and to "deal with it" silently.

Numbing -- You want to distance yourself emotionally from the experience; you may also avoid people and places that remind you of these painful events.

Triggers -- you may feel that talking about what happened causes too much pain and/or anxiety, or what is happening in the present could be triggering past experiences with assault or abuse.

Invalidation -- you feel that no one will believe you if you were to report what is happening.
Defamation -- your motives or character may be under attack, with people saying things to discredit you.

Same-sex harassment -- if the harasser is of the same sex, you may be afraid people will question your sexual orientation

Masculinity -- if you are male victim, you may be afraid that it is a reflection on your masculinity for you to not enjoy the sexual attention, or you may be afraid others will question your masculinity or sexual orientation.

It is unfortunate that this is happening to me while I am trying to get back in the swing... This is even more motivation to go back to school for Women's Studies!

How do I write the sound of me expelling air while shaking my finger in front of my lips???

2007-05-21T21:48:00.000-07:00

Ba Bub Ba Bub Ba Bub ba ba ba ba???

Oh how I miss blogging land!

Things have been busy. Life keeps changing at a rapid pace. It is all good stuff but I sure could use a little rest!

This is what I have been spending time with a lot lately...

-5 – 7 < 5 – 2x < 11

-12/-2 < -2x/-2 < 6/-2

6 > x > -3

...Makes sense right? Sheesh! I think Algebra is pure alien! How is this supposed to help me wiht anything!

Gives new meaning to Ani Difranco's line, "Taken out of context I must seem so strange".

What is even more scary is when it starts to make sense! I feel like I am being brainwashed!
I am sure I am supposed to be in the corner screaming that I am an artist and that these equations are torture! Yikes!

Thinking Blogger, Don't Fence Me In, and Home Alive

2007-05-10T23:08:00.000-07:00

First

A humble and sincere Thank You to my supergirlest. She tagged me with a Thinking Blogger Award! My Supergirlest is the bestest!

I think I will need to choose my Fav 5 Thinking Bloggers too...but let me post on that tomorrow :-)

Second
I want to talk more about Gender Issues, Violence, and Division 51, Unilever

Today I want to share something that was forwarded to me in recent communications with the Women's Studies Department... to me this is further proof that violence stems from oppression.
Oppression can take many forms... The below statement makes me think about oppression of human traits in a gender... Don't fence me in to a gender role.

Let's not tell women how they "should" be (Here... I have to give a shout out to Unilever for making an effort to address body issues and advertising. Women should not be made to feel they have to starve themselves in order to attempt to look like the unrealistic and emaciated models that are commonly used.)

Let's also not shove these negative concepts of masculinity on men. They should be allowed to feel the full spectrum of emotion. I feel that the violence that stems from men is quite possibility from the oppression of those natural human emotions.

Why do we allow these prescriptions on our genders. Why can't we be human first and then be ourselves? Don't fence me in.... without further delay... the statement....
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Statement Regarding the Virginia Tech University Mass Murder
The Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity

The Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity (SPSMM), a division of the American Psychological Association, condemns the horrific mass murder at Virginia Tech University. We send our deepest sympathies to the friends and families of the victims and survivors, and to alumni, employees, and friends of the university.

SPSMM wants to emphasize that the vast majority of men are not violent, and that there are many positive features pertaining to men and masculinity. Nonetheless, one fact about violence that tends to elude public scrutiny is that males commit nearly 90% of violent crimes ( U. S. Department of Justice, 2003) and virtually 100% of mass murders (Hempel et al., 2003). Moreover, males murder their female relationship partners and ex-partners nearly three times a day in the United States, resulting in a tragic loss of the proportion of the Virginia Tech tragedy every 11 days (U.S. Department of Justice, 2003).

Therefore, although most men are not violent, most violent people are men who were influenced by exaggerated notions of masculinity, such as the beliefs that anger is the only acceptable emotion, that vengeful violence is justified, and that it is unmasculine to acknowledge loneliness, pain, vulnerability, or to seek assistance. There is a tendency to see violent tragedies like the one at Virginia Tech as solely the product of a disturbed individual, rather than as the interaction of individual factors within a gendered culture. Clearly there is a need to examine and redefine what it means to be masculine and men in the U.S.A. To this end, SPSMM calls for national discussion of notions of masculinity, an investigation of their potential relations to violence, and creation of an agenda for further developing positive conceptions of masculinity in the future.

The Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity is dedicated to the advancement of knowledge in the psychology of men through research, education, training, public policy, and improved clinical practice. SPSMM believes certain aspects of traditional gender roles for men are restrictive in nature and if followed too rigidly may lead to negative consequences and unhealthy interactions for individuals and society. SPSMM endeavors to point out constrictive conceptions of masculinity that have inhibited men's development, reduced men's capacity to form meaningful relationships, and contributed to the oppression of others. SPSMM supports the empowerment of all persons and believes this empowerment leads to the highest level of functioning in individual men and women.

In this vein, SPSMM is committed to the understanding and prevention of male violence. SPSMM researchers have studied the relation of masculine gender role socialization and violence for decades. This event strengthens our motivation to continue to seek solutions to the type of violence that Virginia Tech University recently experienced. Additional information about SPSMM

References
Hempel, A. G., Levine, R. E., Meloy, J. R., & Westermeyer, J. (2003). A cross-cultural review of sudden mass assault by a single individual in the oriental and occidental cultures. Journal of Forensic Sciences, 45, 582-588.

United States Department of Justice (2003). Criminal victimization in the United States, 2002 statistical tables. http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/cvus0202.pdf.

Signed on behalf of the Board of Directors of Division 51
Mark Stevens, Ph.D.

-------------------------------------------

Third

I just want to share pictures of Home Alive! This is where it all happens!

THANK YOU ALL! We did it! I never expected this!

2007-05-08T23:13:00.000-07:00

I had a MAJOR happy tears moment today!

We hit the goal of raising $2,000!!!

I thought this image called "I Never Expected This!" would be appropriate from http://www.explodingdog.com/.

That image cracks me up!

While I want to brag on you all for your amazing contributions... I must brag on my step-sister who donated the last $40. It melts my heart that it was my sister who brought it to a close :-)

I won't use her name in case she wouldn't want that... but I must give a shout out to her! I never had sisters by blood... but I should have, because my two girls are so great. We had challenging childhoods. We had lots of fun. We fought too. We saw each other through a lot of developmental years. We were at the mercy of an adult world. We persevered. We love each other very much... and our lives have gone in such different paths...but we still find one another!

Today my oldest sister donated the last $40 for Home Alive. I always looked up to her. We went to our first concert together! I was maybe 13 or 14 years old...and we went to see INXS in Kansas City at the Kemper Arena. I remember buying a fat 80's belt to wear with my black mini-skirt and sleeveless neon green shirt. We scrambled to get closer to the stage...and we pulled it off pretty well!

She was by my side then...20 years ago...and I cannot tell you the comfort it brings that she is by my side again. That she supports the causes that have helped me heal from my rape. Life is strange and beautiful... and today I want to celebrate it! Here is a toast and love to my sisters! Thank you for who you are in my life!

..and here is a taste of the 80's INXS land we lived in! This is for you sister!

Wow the 80's were so distinct! Thanks a million my sisters!

Handle Me With Care

2007-05-06T00:41:00.000-07:00

I heard this song today while sipping a cup of joe at one of my favorite spots!

How I loved the Traveling Wilburys. What a great combo of guys! I also really listened to the lyrics today and the song resonates with me.

Been beat up and battered 'round
Been sent up, and I've been shot down
You're the best thing that I've ever found
Handle me with care

Reputations changeable
Situations tolerable
Baby, you're adorable
Handle me with care

I'm so tired of being lonely
I still have some love to give
Won't you show me that you really care

Everybody's got somebody to lean on
Put your body next to mine, and dream on

I've been fobbed off, and I've been fooled
I've been robbed and ridiculed
In day care centers and night schools
Handle me with care

Been stuck in airports, terrorized
Sent to meetings, hypnotized
Overexposed, commercialized
Hand me with care

I'm so tired of being lonely
I still have some love to give
Won't you show me that you really care

Everybody's got somebody to lean on
Put your body next to mine, and dream on

I've been uptight and made a mess
But I'll clean it up myself, I guess
Oh, the sweet smell of success
Handle me with care

I Wrote A Good Omelet...

2007-05-05T00:03:00.000-07:00

What a difference a day makes! I have been meaning to post this last week but I have had so many distractions! Good ones :-)

Well my concerns about talking with my new guy about my truth...about the rape... have been resolved. Last week he was on his way over and I was excited to have a nice night with him... He knocked on the door and I welcomed him in. Immediately he told me he had to tell me something. I was worried that something was wrong with him or his health. BUT instead he told me that he had stumbled across my blog.... who knew the powers of google...

I was shocked and terrified... and relieved and surprised... I didn't know where to start. We sat down and talked and I cried and told him more. While I didn't want him to find out that way... It was good that it was on the table. He was so empathetic and kind. His reaction was so touching. He actually handled it perfectly. I was worried that he might not understand why I write about this stuff... I wanted him to know that part of it was for me...but that mostly I hope that other women who have suffered rape might read this and it might help in their healing.

I was also worried that he might not want anything to do with me after knowing that I was raped. Not many guys are men enough, strong enough, kind enough...to deal with the fact that a women they are dating ...has been raped and is prosecuting. Or at least that was what I thought. So for all the women out there who worry about that...I can tell you I found one guy who can handle it... and that he is reaffirming my faith in men and humanity. I really never thought I'd find myself in a relationship again...and certainly not so soon. BUT it feels right and it feels natural... and I actually feel happy again! It is important though to note that even though I find so much joy in him... the source of my happiness and healing is in me.

I want to share this because I want other survivors out there to know that healing is real... and that kind and strong men exist.

After we talked it all through...I looked at him with teary eyes and said...what now? He said "what ever you feel like now" but that he also wanted us to get back on track of getting to know each other... and enjoying the happy process we have been so lucky to find in each other. So I cleaned up my face and we went to dinner and had a lovely night. Our conversations returned to normal pretty quickly... and by normal I just mean that we didn't have to drag our heels and hang our heads low all night...and I felt so comfortable with how the whole thing worked out.

I will say this though... that now that I think I have shared that dating, truth, vulnerability, trust, healthy physical attraction, intimacy, and happiness are possible after rape. I will honor him and respect what I have found in him by ceasing to blog on the topic of him.

But to all the women out there who need hope. I offer it. It is real. Things can get better. I am a little shocked that it can be better....but it can :-)

So even though "THEY" might say dating again after rape will be difficult... "THEY" don't always know you...or him. And who are "THEY" anyway? "THEY" are dangerous the way "THEY" run around dolling out advice and telling people how they are going to feel/react. This is how I imagine "THEY"...

So I guess I am saying, THEY are scary, and THEY can't tell you how you are going to react to things after rape, so just listen to you and your heart. The answers will be there... not with them. I feel the same way about the "SHOULD'S" and the "SUPPOSED TO'S" who are related to "THEY". No one is going to tell me how I "should" live my life... or how I am "supposed to" feel or act.

Henry David Thoreau said, "If I am not I, who will be?" Let us all be strong enough to live our own lives and not let other's dictate out reactions or behaviors or choices. We are the captain's of our soul... not the rapist, not THEY, not anyone other than ourselves. Right?!

On another note... I have a lot more to say about the birds and the bee's ...but I will address that in another post. The Bee's in particular....

For now I leave you with a sweet drawing my guy did of my cat Shakespeare :-)

and a poem that sums up the joy of a great new relationship...

I Wrote A Good Omelet
by Nikki Giovanni

I wrote a good omelet...and ate a hot poem...
after loving you

Buttoned my car...and drove my coat home...in the
rain...
after loving you

I goed on red...and stopped on green....floating
somewhere in between...
being here and being there...
after loving you

I rolled my bed...turned down my hair...slightly
confused but...I don't care...
Laid out my teeth...and gargled my gown...then I stood
...and laid me down...
to sleep...
after loving you
--------------------------------

OH! and who wants to donate the last $40 I need to make my goal of raising $2,000 for Home Alive??!! Go Home Alive!

Concrete Feet

2007-04-26T00:52:00.000-07:00

So if you have been keeping up...you might notice an upturn in my life. I am healing... I am dating... I have a new wonderful living situation. There are lots of good things... like the tulips that sprung from the earth in front of my new place (I have a bit of a tulip obsession)... bike rides... roller derby... funding social change through Home Alive... changing laws... school... a visit from my mom...

But somethings can really throw me... like setting dates for my deposition... which I have known would be the next major step in prosecution of my rapist. But it scares me. It rocks me. It reminds me of the horror I am trying to heal from. I hear that the defense can be brutal and try to twist your words. While it is best to be prepared for the worst case scenerio... I don't want to feed the little "fear monsters" in my mind... they can really take over and mess with your head.

I have to find peace in the truth. I know what he did to me. For me it is easy to tell the truth. But I see what they can do to you... you see it in the media all the time. I hope that the level of healing I am at will help...but I am not going to tell you that I don't fear this unknown.

In the last few weeks... the level of healing I am at has been a treat. An unexpected treat. I feel me back. Me. Me separate from what he did to me. I almost feel bad for feeling better...like I am not honoring the horrible truth about what happened to me. I think people go through something like this when they lose a loved one...and after time they regain normalcy in their lives... then the guilt for living and loving hits.

I knew the time to set dates for the trial wasn't far out... but why does reality have to rear its ugly head just when I am trying to move on? I have someone in my life that I think I could fall for...fall hard for... and I just want a normal beginning. I want to trust him. I want to trust me. I want to start this relation (that has begun like no other) and see it through. I hope it to have the potential that I see in it... in him.

But when he is on cloud nine...planning parties and dinners and trips...and things we can do together... when he is flying high I want to fly with him and I do sometimes... then days like today happen and I remember my concrete feet. Oh yeah....I am prosectuting my rapist....and as I reel from this... I don't tell him... I just exclaim how I am looking forward to meeting his friends at a party this weekend. UGH. The layers.

The feeling of a double life is foriegn to me... BUT I want to protect us...not just for him...but for me ... for us. But it hurts to carry these things and not share it with him. I feel like I can't hide it much longer.

I also know that if I am still seeing him this fall(and I hope I will be) that I won't be around for his birthday... but rather I will be facing the sickening truth of a defense attorney in my deposition for my rape case.

I just want a shot at this thing with him. I want us to be us. I don't want that asshole to ruin this too. but I wonder... can I bear this... can I move forward with this without telling him. I don't think I have ever felt so torn. But I fear telling him because I don't want him to freak out or be overly careful with me. I just want something normal.

But what is NORMAL? I think that is one of the things that angers me most about how rape victims are treated after the fact.... they are told how "most people react"
There just is no category for how you will react.

Some researchers who have never been raped...study the women that equate to... raped lab rats... and some of those women have a tough time with love,intimacy, and sex after rape. Then all of a sudden rape victims are being told that they might have problems with sex...they even more scary they are being told that they will have a difficult time with sex. I guess I just feel that no one has any idea how I am going to react... and I refuse to let some overgeneralized response rule me. I have to find out on my own how I will handle this steps.

I will trust my heart... after all it is all I really have left. If I cannot hear my own heart (even if it is muffled)... I have bigger issues.

I have been looking for information on love and sex after rape. I am not finding much. I did find this ...but it feels like a prescription too. Also much of what I find is for people who were raped and then are trying to return to a long standing relationship. There isn't much for the single gal who was already disillusioned and disheartened...then raped... then who is trying to figure out how to trust a new person in their life.

I want to believe he is good. I think he REALLY REALLY is too... but can I handle it if I am wrong? Can I sustain another blow to the heart? I don't think I can...
Talk about pressure. No wonder I am trying to protect him from it. Maybe today is just a bad day...a tough day... whatever it is I want it to be a temporary problem...because I want to love again.

BRANDI CARLILE
My Song

Everything I do surrounds these pieces of my life that often change
Or maybe I've changed
Sometimes seeming happy can be self destructive even when you're sane
Or only insane
But don't bother waking me today

Chorus
Here I am
I'm so young
I know I've been bitter, I've been jaded, I'm alone
Every day I'll bite my tongue
If you only knew my mind was full of razors
That cuts you like a word if only sung...
But this is my song
It is my song

Now I live every day like there will never be a last one till they're gone
And they're gone
I'm too proud to beg for your attention and your friendship and your time
So you can come and get it from now on

Chorus
...it's my song...
And it's you
It is you

Here I am
I'm so young
I know I've been bitter, I've been jaded, I'm alone
Every day I'll bite my tongue
If you only knew my mind was full of razors
I'm not sure I can take it
I'm nothing strong to hold to
I'll wait to only hate you
My mind is full of razors
That cuts you like a word if only sung
But this is my song

When music speaks to me...

2007-04-24T15:51:00.000-07:00

I love it when I find songs that sing my heart's voice for me. This is Brandi Carlile again of course! Thanks to Sara for telling me about her.

CLOSER TO YOU - Brandi Carlile

It's hard to let the miles pass me by
Yellow lines that blend together in my eyes
And when the seasons change again then I will too
I just want to be closer to you

(I have felt I have been traveling for so long looking for someone. Since the recent changes in my life this Spring... I really feel the power of the season)

I'm staring out at endless rows of green
There are miles of hay like I have never seen
Just when you think you've had enough and
your dreams come true
I just want to be closer to you

(With the horrible trials I have suffered in my journeys...I did feel like I had enough...I felt closer to breaking... than I ever have... Then here comes these great changes. The new place and this wonderful guy. I just want to be near him)

My mind wanders through all that I've been hiding from
I tried not to let you down
Now I wonder if I've been doin' something wrong
Help me get my feet back on the ground

(Then my thoughts turn to what I feel I am hiding from him. The truth about my rape. I don't want to let him down by not sharing it with him up front... but I will bear the burden of that secret until it is time to tell him. I want to let us develop naturally separate from that facet of my life. I just want it to be me and him... without the dark shadow of my rapist. ...and as things feel better and as I grow closer to my guy... I feel I must pinch myself...I wonder if I have gone crazy...because there is just no way I can be so happy...and that makes me wonder if I am doing something wrong...I just don't have this kind of luck! And while I want to be around him all the time. I need to get my bearings and keep my feet on the ground)

Tomorrow I'll be lying under you
With a heart of gold and arms to fall into
I know that there might come a day
where my life is through
But I just want to be closer to you

(I see a future with him...I can tell so quickly that his heart is gold...and I know life is short... I just want to be present with him now)

My mind wanders through all that I've been hiding from
I tried not to let you down
Now I wonder if I've been doin' something wrong
Help me get my feet back on the ground

Someday we might learn to tell the truth
We might even find the fountains of our youth
We all needed something real we all need proof
I just want to be closer to you
I only want to be closer to you

(I will tell him my story someday...but until then...I am going to bask in the hopeful truth and beauty of our young hearts)

Spring in the air... and in my step :-) ...so this is healing...

2007-04-23T23:14:00.000-07:00

What a weekend!

I never thought I'd ever utter the word boyfriend again. But apparently I now have one :-) How did that happen? He is a great person. He invited me to dinner at his place Friday night. We were going to also watch a gorgeous and creative film called Howl's Moving Castle, by Hayao Miyazaki...but we always end up talking too much to accomplish a lot of our plans. We really enjoy each others company! I am so grateful to have met someone I love to talk to...and someone I feel I can trust.

Saturday was another treat! I went to see the Rat City Roller Girls, Seattle, WA’s first and only all female roller derby league. THEY ROCK!!!!!

Named after an “old-school” term for the south part of town, RCRG was established via a grassroots movement of strong-minded women in April 2004. Rat City Roller Girls have many teams but the Derby Liberation Front has now partnered with Home Alive to end violence and oppression.

DERBY LIBERATION FRONT

The explosive experience of Roller Derby is a vehicle for significant social change. Through the years it has been oppressed by the power corrupt. Today, Derby Liberation Front is here to represent Roller Derby in its struggle against the downpressers.

We stand steadfast, equipped to promote a revolutionary agenda, prepared to take pervasive action to defend our principles. We believe that all rollergirls are created equal with the unalienable rights to life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and the right to skate. Skating by the people, for the people.

This is a cool video that shows you these rockin strong women in action!

Sunday, I took my new bike, Mini-Me Sicily, out for a spin with my new mister! We rode from my place to the university along the Burke Gilman Trail. On the way back we stopped off for a snack and a rest at Gasworks Park. It was a sunny idyllic day. Gasworks Park is a beautiful place to lay on a grassy hill and overlook Lake Union and the city's skyline. It is fun to sit and watch the boats float by and the SeaPlanes take off and land! Oh and I almost forgot to mention that we saw an eagle soaring and circling over head!

Here are some pics I found online of Gasworks Park. What a great way to celebrate Earth Day! Ah... Summer is on the way!

So this is what healing feels like....

So many new CRUSHES!

2007-04-20T03:11:00.000-07:00

I just learned about this Seattle Powerhouse of a woman. I have a huge crush!

LOVE HER!!
2 songs...

Brandi Carlile - The Story

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
Yeah you do and I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
Is hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through but you do
And I was made for you...

Brandi Carlile - Happy

I don't hang around that place no more
I'm tired of wearing circles in the floor
And I don't carry myself very well
I've gotten so much braver
Can you tell

I'm happy
Can't you see
I'm alright
But I miss you Amber Lee

And I line my secrets up all one by one
I put 'em all away when I was done
And I would really love to hear your voice sometime
To close a little distance in my mind

I'm happy
Can't you see
I'm alright
But I miss you Amber Lee
Amber Lee

Where have you been all these years
And how could you just disappear
And when did you stop
Missing me

I'm happy
Can't you see
I'm alright
But I miss you Amber Lee

I'm alright
But I miss you Amber Lee

REWIND - usually when things have gone this far...people tend to disappear...

2007-04-18T23:01:00.000-07:00

This is a rewind post... because I feel that I have been missing in action!

I am not even sure where to start! Sometimes things happen and change so quickly. Bad things often happen in an instant...good things take more work.

Well my hard work has been long... and now I am seeing change for the better!
But I have been reminded that when you turn a boat around suddenly... it makes waves.

So let me see if I can recap with some kind of order...

#1 - Most important thing in my life right now... Home Alive.
We had our big Auction on April 14th and right now the gross totals are about $45,000. We will see what's left after we pay everyone but it has been a very successful and emotional ride! I am just happy that Home Alive can flourish and continue to help so many people be safe! I will continue to volunteer and do everything I can with them! I have a bit of a crush on them ;-) I am especially proud of the instructors...I adore them :-) they are the BEST! A have to send a shout out to Stefanie :-) She was one of my instructors for many of the classes I attended. She has a great soul and I adore her very much.
I am also very proud of and moved by a survivor who spoke out at the auction. There is nothing more powerful than sitting in a room with victims of violence... and hundreds of people raising money to create a space to heal... and proactively work to end violence and oppression.

ALSO Thank you for your help selecting the photographs for the Auction!
They made a lot of money for Home Alive!

The Suffragette Image sold at $400

And "First Class Travel" with Paul and Mick sold at $875!

and to brag a little...My "Rambler" Image sold at $350!

#2 - I never knew how much I'd love Burlesque.
We had a Burlesque performance at the Auction (as well as fire dancing!) The Burlesque Troupe was amazing. It wasn't like I expected. I feel a strong urge to end things I consider degrading to women... stripping would usually be in that category... but this was very different... very fun and theatrical and very voluntary. My favorite was the last performance...which fell into a new category called "Boy-lesque" This wonderful man delivered a scandalous and lovely performance that celebrated his truth... he had feathers and sparkles...he played a song that announced that he was tired of feeling down...and Fuck it...he just wants to dance! He proudly pranced! I loved him... he burst with joy for himself. It is hard to explain. But I loved it!

#3 - Moving was a BITCH but the new place is amazing! I don't think I have ever been so happy with a move. It just keeps getting better! I love it here. No roommates! Why did I suffer for so long?!!

#4 - Photography Work - I am considering some options for work in the photography world :-) I might have a shot at working with animals soon...think lions, tigers, and bears! Oh My!
...and giraffes, and monkeys, and lizards, and elephants, and the list goes on and on! Cross your fingers!

#5 - Health updates - I have weaned off my antidepressants! No more! I am also sleeping again...thanks to tossing the Ambien CR and moving to a natural choice, Melatonin, which helps me sleep amazingly well!

#6 - My mom came out last week and she was here for the auction! It was so great to have her here even though the time just went by too fast. She helped me out so much! Thanks Mom! I love you!

#7 - I like that #7 is for what I consider to be a lucky new venture. I guess you could say I am seeing someone :-) He is great! We are having lots of fun just hanging out and getting to know each other...but I feel a little torn for my crush on Home Alive! ;-) But really ... it seems like it is going in a surprisingly wonderful direction! I expected dating after my rape to be very difficult. And it still could be...but right now...I guess I wouldn't call this dating... I'd call it two amazing people finding each other against many odds. We have so much to talk about. I worry about how he will handle the truth about my rape. I don't want that very difficult facet of my life...to get in the way. I hope he can handle the fact that I was raped. How do I know when to tell him? What if he cannot handle it? What if he sees me as damaged? Can I move forward with a physical relationship with him? If we move forward with physical stuff...do I need to tell him before? If I tell him after will he feel deceived? I just want to develop a natural relationship...and I feel this is a good start... I don't want him to feel all awkward...or like he is hurting me...when and if it becomes more physical.
I think I want to move forward slowly...but I am attracted to him...and that is a bit of a mind game for me too. Embracing a healthy level of sexuality is odd when you are recovering from a rape. Sometimes it feels like I shouldn't be allowed to "walk on that broken leg" yet...so to speak. But my counselor keeps telling me that I have just been broken... and like other things...I can be fixed... or healed...and that just like a leg is for walking...sex is tied in with love. I want to have it back in my life... with a pure and wholesome passion for a healthy experience.

Well maybe this is too much to hash out now...but I know that becoming physical with a healthy romantic interest...is a hard step for all rape victims. I guess I just don't want to get hurt, or scare him away, or let him down.

But a good thing is that I think I can trust in him. He made me a mix CD recently...and I love the songs on it. This song is called "Young Folks"
I like the lyrics...they seem to fit... My history is a lot to grasp for a new person in my life...and it will impact the relationship...especailly during the trial.
It is also ironic that he is an animator and I love the animation on this video!

Young Folks - Peter, Bjorn & John

if i told you things i did before
told you how i used to be
would you go along with someone like me
if you knew my story word for word
had all of my history
would you go along with someone like me

i did before and had my share
it didn't lead nowhere
i would go along with someone like you
it doesn't matter what you did
who you were hanging with
we could stick around and see this night through

and we don't care about the young folks
talkin' bout the young style
and we don't care about the old folks
talkin' 'bout the old style too
and we don't care about our own folks
talkin' 'bout our own stuff
all we care about is talking
talking only me and you

usually when things has gone this far
people tend to disappear
no one would surprise me unless you do

i can tell there's something goin' on
hours seem to disappear
everyone is leaving i'm still with you

it doesn't matter what we do
where we are going to
we can stick around and see this night through

and we don't care about the young folks
talkin' bout the young style
and we don't care about the old folks
talkin' 'bout the old style too
and we don't care about our own faults
talkin' 'bout our own style
all we care about is talking
talking only me and you
(repeat)
talking only me and you

---------------------------

Good Stuff!

I'd also like to update you on the Peace Plant! Peace is blooming!

Gosh there was something else...

Was it that I have been riding my awesome bike on sunny days?

Oh I know! It is simply that there are sunny days! And more of them to come!
Summer in the Northwest is like....food after a fast!

Oh I remember.... He is an artist. I took photographs of him drawing the animals at the Zoo...

Later gators...

Just a reminder....

2007-04-08T00:17:00.000-07:00

This is the first thing on my new refrigerator.

A very creative and lovely old friend, Sara, made these reminder cards. (note** Vista Print will make free cards... all you pay is shipping.) She is a busy and brillant girl and when I stayed with her recently (during my move) I admired her cards! I took one to write down the room number for my algebra class...I wrote it on the back....

Then today when I got coffee at my favorite coffee joint...I got this little round "Love" sticker.

They put these little hard round stickers over the little hole in your "to go" coffee so it won't spill. The stickers are always different...usually they are just a cute little image. Today...it was... love. I found the card in my back pocket and put the "Love" sticker on the reminder...now it holds forever a coveted place on the frig. I think it is a signifigant reminder.

Almost as signifigant as my other new favorite image that graces Sara's witty frig decor.

Today has been another day of high highs and low low's. While it ended on a sour note. One I prefer not to waste another minute thinking about...

It had the best highs. I went on a third date with a really great guy. how I ended up dating someone... is beyond me. But...He renews my faith and hope in ways I cannot yet describe. I just like being with him. I trust him...and that is a huge step for me. He is kind, smart, and creative. I like him. This is a new and strange feeling for me after the rape. I am just trying to let it be good. If it is good "today"...that is all I need.

These have been the toughest times of my life...but I am seeing things turn around. My efforts to create peace and purpose in my life are paying off... the diffculties I reached at the end of the day will not thwart my efforts and blessings.

Maybe the ugly end of the day today ...and how I handled it ...is a good example of a battle I choose not to fight....but it is SO important that the choice is mine.

Some bad things just are...I do not know why.

Let us not forget.
and try to remember... LOVE.

...it is really important, all right?

Power of Equality

2007-04-07T01:15:00.000-07:00

As I fight my battles. As I seem to not be able to stand silent anymore in the face of wrongs. I think of the work that Home Alive does. I think of their efforts in a community to end oppression and violence. AND I AM MOVED.

And I often hear this song in my head. I love the anger and truth in this song. The Red Hot Chili Peppers always get me. I adore Anthony Kiedis. He has amazing energy.

This song is what I feel when I say... that sayings like, "pick your battles" bother me. I guess I just think that what I feel or what I should do...should never fit into some over-generalization. I suppose the operative word should be "I" as in "I will pick my battles"

"Right or wrong my song is strong. You don't like it get along"

This isn't the best sound but I had to share a video... what passion!

POWER OF EQUALITY

I've got a soul
That cannot sleep
At night when something
Just ain't right
Blood red
But without sight
Exploding egos
In the night
Mix like sticks
Of dynamite
Red black or white
This is my fight
Come on courage
Let's be heard
Turn feelings
Into words

American equality
Has always been sour
An attitude
I would like to devour
My name is peace
This is my hour
Can I get
Just a little bit of power
The power of equality
Is not yet what it ought to be (ought to be)
It fills me up like a hollow tree (hollow tree)
The power of equality

Right or wrong
My song is strong
You don't like it
Get along
Say what I want
Do what I can
Death to the message
Of the Klu Klux Klan
I don't buy supremacy
Media chief
You menace me
The people you say
'Cause all the crime
Wake up motherfucker
And smell the slime
Blackest anger
Whitest fear
Can you hear me
Am I clear
My name is peace
This is my hour
Can I get
Just a little bit of power
The power of equality
Is not yet what it ought to be (ought to be)
It fills me up like a hollow tree (hollow tree)
The power of equality

I've got tapes
I've got CD's
I've got my public enemy
My lilly white ass
Is tickled pink
When I listen to the music
That makes me think
Not anotherMotherfuckin' politician
Doin' nothin' but something
For his own ambition
Never touch
The sound we make
Soul sacred love
Vows that we take
To create straight
What is true
Yo he's with me
And what I do
My name is peace
This is my hour
Can I get
Just a little bit of power

The power of equality
Is not yet what it ought to be (ought to be)
It fills me up like a hollow tree (hollow tree)
The power of equality
Madder than a motherfucker
Lick my finger
Can't forget'Cause the memory lingers
Count 'em off quick
Little piccadilly sickness
Take me to the hick
Eat my thickness
I've got a welt
From the bible belt
Dealing with the hand
That I've been dealt
Sitting in the grip
Of a killing fist
Giving up blood
Just to exist

Rub me wrong
And I get pissed
No I cannot
Get to this
People in pain
I do not dig it
Change of brain
For Mr Bigot
Little brother do you hear me
Have a heart oh come get near me

Misery is not my friend
BUT I'LL BREAK BEFORE I BEND
What I see is insanity
What ever happened to humanity
What ever happened to humanity
What ever happened to humanity

Peace and Algebra

2007-04-02T22:49:00.000-07:00

Well things in my life have been a bit loco!

I have been moving, while sick, and dealing with insane roommates and my ex-landlord! It is scary when your old landlord is so intimate and awful that they get the "Ex" title.
I also prefer to erase the memory of the lazy, crazy, lying, betraying roommates and move on.
My bruises from the move will take longer to heal than the wounds those pathetic people inflicted. In the shower I tallied 19 bruises on my legs and 11 on my arms. I forgot how hard moving is!

This week I am also starting back to school. I am taking the algebra classes I need to complete my core requirements to return to school for Women's Studies. Math is not my strong suit and I was a little nervous about it...but I have now had 2 classes and I think I can do it!

Anyway back to moving....I have to thank my dear friend Rosie for saving the day. She appeared when I needed a friend and she helped me move and clean. Rosie es mi amiga mas bonita y simpatica del mundo! I have to think of a way to thank her and her awesome husband for their help!

Rosie stuck by me and helped me through some of the most difficult days of my life. She is the best ever! She saw for herself the horror of my landlord. She let me cry as I felt I could take no more. On top of moving, being sick, and dealing with crazy and morally vacant people... she knew how rocked I was by having my trial date set too. I finally got a trial date. I think it really made me happy to know things are moving along...but it also made me sad to know it is still over a year out... and it breaks my heart that it is real...and that I was raped....and that I know I have to see him again...and that I know it will be very painful... but hopefully he will get what he deserves....but it is also very terrifying to worry how it will really pan out...

Anyway...with so much on my plate...I felt like I would crumble and I didn't know if I had the strength to make it through those last few rough days... Rosie reminded me that I could make it...and that a friend was there for me. She was such a trooper! Her job has had her working 14 hours days for the last few weeks straight...and they finally gave her two days off and you know how she spent those days...she helped me move and clean! I owe her BIG! She kept telling me that she wished for peace for me and my broken heart. She kept saying, "not much longer, we are almost done, you are going to move and have peace in your life again."

After we finished cleaning the house and I got to my friends place to stay the night... I took one of my plants out of the car... It is a Peace Lily. I have had it for almost a year and I have not had one beautiful white lilies bloom yet. I was actually just thinking about that almost a week ago...wondering if it really is a Peace Lily. Anyway...when I was carrying it from the car to my friends house...I noticed it....a little white bloom beginning! It was very symbolic and powerful to me. Maybe the plant couldn't make peace in that house of stress.

Isn't this a good sign :-)

When I met the new nice landlords at the new nice place to get the keys... the plant was the very first thing I brought into my new home. I want to create a place of peace for me.

Slowly this week I have got most of the stuff from the Storage Unit into the new place too...and it does feel soooooo peaceful.

I talked with my counselor today about all the horrific things that have occurred this last week and I began to shake so hard just talking about it. My landlord was so out of line... yelling at me, telling me she was not holding my roommates responsible to clean their fare share of the house, threatening not to return my deposit if I didn't clean the whole house, insisting I clean the baseboards with a toothbrush, calling me a "victim", telling me that I am just a poor little rape victim, judging me for having lost my job because of the rape, when I argued back...she screamed at me to shut up and told me if I speak at all she would call the police on me (which she cannot do), this woman is crazy.

After I said what I needed to... I pulled back to save my sanity...I managed with Rosie's help to empty the rest of the house and clean up after my childish roommates. I spent hours scrubbing the house. The bathroom off my room sparkled. While I should have never lifted a finger to clean that house after the way I was treated... and knowing I most likely won't see a dime back... but my mom raised me to be responsible....and I cleaned my my fair share plus more. I hauled all the roommates trash and left over shit out and cleaned the house.

Then my landlord wanted to do the exit inspection. I tried to brace myself for what that would be like... but nothing can prepare you for an interaction with that woman. She walked through the house barking that every little detail was filthy...and at one point screaming at the top of her lungs...demanding that the bathroom tile (which I scrubbed for 2 hours) was filthy and that I should touch it. I told her she was crazy and I was not going to touch one damn thing. I told her to charge me what she wants... she will anyway... and that my pride was worth way more than she could ever take me for. I was not going to subject myself to an hour long tour of freakish humiliation. I was angry and I chose to leave.

I know people like to say that we must pick our battles...but what does that really mean? I am not a big fan of these overgeneralized sayings....The one I hate the most is, "Grin and bear it" I won't "Grin and bear it" because I can't stand the sight of injustice everywhere I turn.
My counselor wondered out loud where I find the strength to weather the situations I have been put in. She also wondered if it was healthy for me to fight the battles I fight.

To me it would be more unhealthy for me to not fight....it would be more unhealthy for me to allow someone to treat me the way they did... Even if it leaves me shaking and emotionally wiped out... I must never bite my tongue when someone is hurting me. When someone pushes me too far...they will know it. Always.

Check this out...
http://www.explodingdog.com/three6/itisdeterm.html
The Title of this Piece is:

It is determined by a complicated point system that will measure loss, pain and suffering, and takes three to six months to calculate.

Now that I am taking algebra...maybe I can better communicate my point with a simple Algebraic Equation.

To solve the equation first use the distributive property and then the commutative property and consider that X = rape, Y = roommates, J= job loss, A = job hunt, N = new place, S = Staring School, H = poor health, B= bruises, C= crazy landlord, F = great friends.

So really it is quite simple

(X13 - J + A 7) - (Y2 + C3) * (H19 + B30) / (S4 + N1 + F8) = one tired, wrecked, but hopeful girl. Welcome to the hell of Algebra and my life.

The most important part of the equation is to remember that later you need to multiple the final answer by the power of hope with the exponent "infinite hope"

But still understanding why I need two Algebra classes in order to return for Women's Studies.... makes about as much sense to me as the questions in my elementary algebra book...

Another Exploding Dog piece titled:

The backreference \n, where n is a single digit, matches the substring previously matched by the nth parenthesized subexpression of the regular expression.

I know things will get better...but currently the laundry list of complaints and real problems really has been off the charts.

What can give me peace is that I don't give up, I won't take anyone's bullshit, I am strong, I believe in what I fight for, the bruises are beginning to fade, the cardboard box land of my life will be recycled, my great friends were there when I really needed them (thank you Rosie, Jill, Michelle, Nico, and Susie), My Mom will be here soon to make it all better, I will have a real place of refuge in my new apartment (where I create peace and where I have rights), I am going to get good grades in Algebra which will help me to go back to College for Women's Studies, I am changing laws to help rape victims, I know the date of my trial and can hope to see justice for my rapist, my cat seems to have adjusting to the new place, and I just got 10 hours of sleep and I might feel better soon, I have a job interview on Monday, and a bike ride and a picnic with someone new on Saturday, I have lots of things to do to help Home Alive get ready for the Auction on April 14th, and it is my party I can cry if I want to!

That's all for now folks!

Mama take this badge off of me....

2007-03-26T21:46:00.000-07:00

... I can't use it anymore. I don't want to be a rape victim anymore.

Feels like I am knocking on heaven's door. BUT it is not death I am looking for....I just need a break...

Warning this entry is off the cuff...and fueled by wine among many other things...
Things are busy. I am moving. It could be good. I think it will be VERY GOOD.

But tonight I am tired. I have bruises on every limb and I put a nice bloody dent in my shin at the storage unit today. It has been a while since I have injured myself so painfully! Maybe health insurance might not be a bad idea.

In the flurry of things... I am trying to keep a semblance of normalcy.

I am making time for normal and fun activities as best I can :-) Which is why I met an old co-worker and a new friend (one in the same) for a couple drinks tonight. It is so great to talk with people who have wise souls. Some people come out of nowhere and amaze me! She is such a kind hearted person and she donated generously to Home Alive after the news of my rape. It was a great night... but now I feel a little all over the place ...now that I am home amidst the cardboard boxes... with a buzz and a half a bottle of wine left in the cupboard.

When I got home...I called a couple of friends hoping I could talk someone into a Monday night drink...because I am feeling a little riotous...but no one answered....
I guess that is what happens when you take a woman with a beating heart...and dump some serious change, and pain, and joy, and life on her...then give her a drink... I am shaken and stirred. I need a baby sitter tonight...a rock of a person...sometimes I get so tired of taking care of myself. This is where I need to give kudos to mothers and fathers....how you take care of yourself and others... I may never know :-)

Anyway it is at this point that I must admit that the wine tonight and the accumulative effects of the path I have walked since my rape...seem to be finding their way through the jumbled stuff in the air... tomorrow is seven months to the day...
...why did I get raped? Why did this happen? Why have I lost friends over it? Why have I lost my job? Why do I have to move? Why did I have to learn these hard truths? Why is the victim victimized and the perpetrator free? Why can't I just live an oblivious life? Will the pain I have suffered will further isolate me? Will he pay? Will the justice system deliver? When will I have a normal life again?

Tell me something good will come of it...because I am tired of carrying this burden. I want to be free of it. Now I know why so many women never speak of it. I wish I could do that....but I speak for them...because silence is all to often misconstrued as agreement or acceptance. AND I want a safe world and a kind world for women...for all humans.

I refuse to accept a world where a woman must suffer this raw pain and keep it silent. But the flurry of righting wrongs...makes me dizzy like someone just blindfolded me and spun me in circles... today is the first time I felt I was reaching for someone to hold on to...
And with the wine of rebellion in me ...I spin quickly towards....anyone who will catch me. Too bad I find no one here..but i am used to that...not in a poor poor me way...but that really...I am used to that.

I am not accustomed to looking for help....or even a shoulder to cry on...
I often pride myself on my independent nature. I am that girl that can't really carry that incredibly heavy box but acts like it is no problem... but today when I slammed my shin into the metal cart...it stunned me....it stunned me because it ***REALLY HURT***. But I have no time for pain...and that threw me even more. I lifted my pant leg and stared in amazement at the blood trickling around the purple lump on my leg. This happened at the beginning of the day of moving....and I knew I couldn't give it any consequence or dear time would be sacrificed.

I am like that old lady who shouldn't drive anymore...but doesn't know it because she is so old.
I have been a soldier these last many months...and I am tired...and honestly a little disoriented.

Today I want to pretend I wasn't raped. I want to pretend that I am not bleeding and tired. There have been so many good things in the mix too...in the last few months... but sometimes you just need someone who really knows you ...and sees the whole picture... to tell you to stop....to stop trying to carry your WAY TOO BIG world on your shoulders...
I need someone to say...Here....let me carry that tonight...

I was watching Jesus Camp the other night (a whole other blog post for that to come) and one guy...a talk radio host...was talking about the organized religious right slowly chipping away at the government...until one day ....they will come like a thief in the night...and the government America dreamed of will be sold out to private interest religious groups...

BUT the point is that the, "come like a thief in the night" comment jumped out at me.

I feel that is what my rape was like... a thief in the night...honestly and sadly...I feel that the truth is that my rape was the result of a slow chipping away...and it, for me, was the last straw.
After a childhood of sexual abuse and a womanhood stripped of honor by a culture of rape and degradation....and oppression... I sit up, I stand up, and I scream "NO MORE!"

...and while I grab my badge of honor (or shame?)...and lean against the wind... and deal with the prosecution of my rapist...and fight the battles and thought processes at dinner tables...
I do tire. I am tired of the world on my shoulders, and I often feel like Sisyphus, pushing that rock up the hill.

Then weird things...like normal things...old normal things start to come back to me... AND I don't want to lose my kick...my fight...my anger. How can I fuel the changes I need to see in the world when I am tired, complacent, happy, or drunk? Well I just know that I need to do whatever I need to do to survive this. Speaking of survivors...you want to how a rape victim feels read "Lucky" by Alice Sebold. She knows. She is also the author of "The Lovely Bones"

She was raped as a virgin...and in her part of her story she struggles to believe a man could ever want her... after her rape. I often feel so many of the same concerns. Could I meet a man who can handle the truth of my rape? I am prepared for that to be difficult. I have already struggled before...struggled deeply with understanding love... between anyone in a sexual relationship. I understand now that I have chose to be single in many ways. It is easier sometimes...and I could never allow a person in my life who may hurt me the way other have...

But in my healing...unknowingly...somewhere...I might have regained some of my faith in humanity. Because out of post-rape character...I recently found myself out with a friend...and I met a person... a guy...who doesn't scare me. We had fun talking and he emailed me later...and he asked me to meet him for a drink last week...and I did. I was nervous...and unsure of expectations. BUT, I went and I had a lot of fun! He was nice and we laughed and talked for hours. At the end of the evening he gave me a quick hug and he was off. It was just right. We are having dinner this week and going for a bike ride the next. Maybe it is too soon...but it feels nice. And I'd be lying if I didn't say I am scared. Mostly scared of hope. Scared of looking for an answer...because I know he can't fix it. Who knows if he can even handle it? How many single ads ask for a man who can handle a woman who is prosecuting her rapist? Other people I thought could handle my story...but they treat me like I have the plague.

...and what exactly is the protocol for revealing this information? 4 dates then you tell him you were raped? It shouldn't make me less of a woman...but somehow it does. Does it?
Who wouldn't want to walk away from this? I want to walk away from this too.

I love that the book I am sucked into is called "Lucky" I am supposed to be lucky that I didn't live in a different time when this would render me a whore, I am lucky I didn't get any diseases, or get pregnant and have a child, I am lucky that I "get to" prosecute (shouldn't that be a given?), I am lucky that I wasn't murdered, I am lucky that I had insurance and counseling, I am lucky huh?

Who wants to love this lucky ruined girl?

from Lucky...page 61....

"I have memories of my sister sitting in the rocker in front of where I was positioned on the couch. She would always ask me if a given program was all right before turning it on. She would be vigilant throughout the hour or two hours it was on. If she worried, I would see her head start to turn around to check on me.
"I'm okay, Mary" I began saying, able to predict when she might grow concerned. It made me angry with her and with my parents. I needed the pretense that inside the house I was still the same person I had always been. It was ridiculous but essential, and I felt the stares of my family as betrayals, even though intellectually I knew otherwise. "
(this totally reminds me of the morning of my rape. I had been in the hospital and at the police station for so long...that by the time I got home I wanted a shower and something to eat very badly....I remember that my mom made a nice breakfast...and when I got out of the shower...desperate for sleep and desperate to complete the lying phone call to my father that I was "just really sick" and couldn't see him for dinner that night.... I sat at the table to eat breakfast...which felt all too formal for 3:30 that afternoon....and my mom and step dad were really uncomfortable...I just remember saying, "this is just food... it is not an event" and I ate as fast as I could and went to make that phone call and then to seek the ever distant peace of sleep.)
"What took me a bit longer to put together was that those television shows were more upsetting to them than they could have ever been to me. They had no idea, because I had not told them, what had happened to me in that tunnel - what the particulars were. They were fitting together the horrors of imagination and nightmare and trying to fashion what had been their sister's or child's reality. I knew exactly what had happened. But can you speak those sentences to the people you love? Tell them you were urinated on or that you kissed back because you did not want to die?
That question continues to haunt me. After telling the hard facts from anyone from lover to friend, I have changed in their eyes. Often it is awe or admiration, sometimes it is repulsion, once or twice it has been fury that has been hurled at me for reasons I remain unsure of. Some men and lesbians see it as a turn on or a mission, as if by sexualizing our relationship they can pull me back from the wreckage of that day. Of course, their best efforts are largely useless.
No one can pull you back from anywhere. You save yourself or you remain unsaved."

I remember the pain of being exposed. I still feel so exposed. They took my clothes from me at the hospital as part of the rape kit evidence. Each time I told my story to the police I threw up. No one could save me from that... no one could save me from the emotional and physical reactions I had to the violence I spoke of. My girlfriend left me that night... and came to the hospital in the morning with sweat pants and a t-shirt for me... That what I was wearing as I detailed my rape for 3 strangers in a room... and my friend...she still never calls...I don't think she can deal with the pain...

Nothing the justice system will ever do will ever save me from the memories of that day. No pain he suffers will ever be enough to balance out what he did to me. I can't even begin to rationalize it....and sadly with the way the justice system works...he could walk...who knows....

I just have to tell my truth. Come of it what may. It is the truth.
I want it to never again be the truth of another woman... but yet it happens every 2 minutes.
Let us make it STOP.

I can talk about it...and try to figure it out... and I wish I could warn rape victims that they will be moved to try to connect and communicate with their dear ones...but that regardless they will walk that dark path alone and as Alice said, "you save yourself or you remain unsaved"
As a rape victim I feel that is so true. And to other victims, I say, save yourself, choose life, choose love, choose to help others. Don't give the rapist the credit. Don't give him the credit for the changes in your life. Give yourself the credit for choosing to react to the pain of that awful event in the best possible way. Choose to be free...and choose love.

I watched "The Color Purple" twice this weekend while packing for the move. I love the scene where Cilie tells Mister off. She suffered so much abuse at his hand. I love when she tells him, " Until you do right by me...everything you even think about gonna fail"

Honestly, that is how I feel about my rapist. It truly shocks me that he wouldn't plead guilty...knowing what he did to me... until he admits it... I hope he suffers with his miserable self. He willingly put more pain into my life and the world in one night...than anyone could ever imagine.

Rainy days and old treasures...

2007-03-19T22:06:00.001-07:00

That is what rainy Monday's are for right? Boxes of old photos and letters and poems!

I just thought I'd share some of my favorites...

I found this letter I wrote to my mom circa 1979:

Apparently she was "teching" me how to:

Drink water from the sprinkler... ah the sprinkler... the poor girls pool!

Have fun with grocery bags... although I think I am crying in the second shot because my bag tore...

Be a kitty...

and look like I am super casual...

So YES! "Thank you verey gladly for teching me a lot of thaings!"

...and a poem I wrote and found tonight... I have always liked this one...

Something Solid

I fill my home with
Durable things
No fragile sparkling ice ballerinas
That topple with a strong careless word
No white China or crystal glasses
That break like a heart by accident
No delicate linens to stain with red wine
Wrung from the heart

I need sturdy oak tables
Proud of the strong trees
From which they were born
And jelly jar glasses
That bounce when they fall
And soft absorbent cotton
An enduring fabric of the land

I need these foundations
To build a life on
Constant reminders of the
Solid earth we share
Because my heart breaks too easily
When you say the things you sometimes do

My hand must be able to rely on
The back of a wooden chair
As this love shatters
And you wring my heart
A delicate girl inside
Needs a place to turn
Her wet face

It is true too...I hate fragile things...they make me nervous!

That's all folks! Just good ol' sharing tonight!

Speaking of Awareness...

2007-03-19T00:22:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I think I might head on down to participate in and photograph the Anti-War Protest

I need to keep my perspective on the real war at hand...not the insipid little roommate issues. I will keep you posted!

Protest / Demonstration
Bring the TROOPS and the MONEY and the JOBS home!

Date/Time
March 19 (Monday), 3:00pm
Location
US Courthouse in Seattle, 700 Stewart Street (7th & Stewart)
Sponsored by
Posted by WA State Jobs with Justice

3pm - Meet at Federal Courthouse, 700 Stewart Street (7th & Stewart) 3:30 - March to City Hall 4:30 - Rally at the Jackson Federal Building (915 2nd Ave.) From the ground up - Help convince the Seattle City Council and King County Council to pass anti-war resolutions that recognize the devastating effects war has had on our local communities.

The results of this war:

* Over 600,000 Iraqis dead.
* More than 3,000 U.S. service people killed.
* A world unable to marshal its resources to address pressing issues such as poverty, hunger and disease, or to face up to the imminent threat of global warming.
* Over $10.4 billion has been diverted from Washington State (this means less for education, healthcare, housing and social services).
* Almost one billion dollars has been diverted from Seattle.

With resources from the people of Seattle that have been expended on this war, we could have provided four years of free health coverage for every uninsured child in the state, and granted a four-year university scholarship to every student who has graduated from a Seattle high school since the war began, and paid four years of salary for 1,500 additional public school teachers, and had money left over to provide 1,500 affordable housing units to deserving families.

Redirect war funding! Let’s spend these next four years preparing a better future!

We are asking the City and County Council in turn to pressure our representatives in Congress to end the war in Iraq and reinvest in our local communities. We will be marching to City Hall, where an anti-war resolution is under consideration, then on to the Federal Building, joining others in condemnation of the war and demanding an end to war funding.

In like a Lamb - Out like a Lion

2007-03-18T18:50:00.000-07:00

Well this year that old saying doesn't just apply to the month of March but to my Roommates as well. Funny how they seem so nice and little lamb like when you meet them.

Then when it is time for them to go because they have become lazy, rude, inconsiderate, and intolerable....they become annoying roaring lions. I have two lions that I want out!

Today it is...One down, one to go... good riddance!

Well, a lot of her stuff is still here ...but just having her mostly out brings a sweet relief. I can actually breathe easier just seeing the spaces where her stuff used to be.
Still ...though they are both acting like total children and refusing to pay their bills...
I have spoken with the companies that the bills are due to... and they will hold them accountable. If for any reason I have to pay these bills I will have to take them to small claims court... which I will completely do out of principle and then they will pay the courts fees on top of their debts. The stress from these two is ridiculous!

Getting rid of these roommates is almost as bad as divorce...
I cannot wait to be free of them!

I wish I could find a video clip of this scene from When Harry Met Sally...

In their shared West Side apartment where they have settled in, Marie and Jess are discussing furniture preferences. She objects to certain decorative items which lack "good taste" - a wagon-wheel coffee table with a glass top and bar stools. Harry shares his own dismal learning experiences from a six-year marriage with Helen:

...I want our friends to benefit from the wisdom of my experience. Right now everything is great... Everyone is happy... Everyone is in love...And that's wonderful.

But you gotta know that sooner or later you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish. (He picks up a blue dinner plate)

This eight-dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of 'That's mine, this is yours.'

...Please. Jess, Marie, do me a favor. For your own good... Put your name in your books right now! Before they get mixed up and you don't know whose is whose!

Because someday, believe it or not, you'll go fifteen rounds over who's gonna get this coffee table - this stupid wagon-wheel, Roy Rogers, garage-sale coffee table!

Ahhh.... what a scene...

I don't understand how people think they are making the right choice... when they are refusing to own up to the responsibility and consequences of their actions! I mean really. Not paying your bills? Not cleaning up your trash? Not locking the doors in my home when I have voiced that it is the most important part of my safety?...especially after my rape! Breaking my things and not owning up to it?...or even offering to pay to replace them? Leaving your left over crap for me to clean up? I am tired of cleaning up after roommates...and their lazy boyfriends!!

And lately Lion #1 (who mostly moved out today) brings her boyfriend by to bully me...her boyfriend who gets aggressive and threatening.... who makes fun of me for having a difficult time after being raped... who goes through my mail...who slams doors and screams in my face in my home...and who refuses to leave when I tell him I don't want him in my house....to the point where I need a restraining order to keep him away?

I mean really. I hope they are proud of themselves...and that they believe the lies they tell their families and friends about what has really occurred here in my home.

This guy acts so "entitled" that it scares me. He has delusions of grandeur. He thinks he can get whatever he wants because he rides on the shoulders of his successful father. He thinks he has all the power to do what ever he wants...which included harassing and threatening me in my own home...well I won't have that...and after the rape...honestly the only good thing the law has done for me...is issue that protection order. He scared me and scares me so much in my own home that I shake uncontrollably and violently...so violently that my body and muscles hurt afterward.

His behavior just reminds me a little too much of my rapist's attitude.
That he doesn't hear no.
That in his eyes I have no rights.
That he will not STOP when I ask him to.
That he will not leave when I ask him to.
... and he has no other reason to be there other than to control, hurt, and upset me.

I won't have that treatment. THAT will never happen to me again...
It will be over my dead body.

Just 13 days to freedom....

Home Alive Auction! AND Photo contest!

2007-03-15T18:04:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone!

I am helping out with Home Alive's upcoming Auction. I thought I'd share the cool invite!

AND we are now only $165 away from my goal of raising $2,000! Donate today >>>

I also need some help choosing between some photographs that Getty Images is going to donate! I have narrowed it down to 12 images and I have to pick 2! Please wiegh in on your favorite photos!

Which 2 of the following photos would you choose?

#1 - Virginia Woolf

#2 - Paul and Mick
25th August 1967: Paul McCartney of the Beatles and Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones sit opposite each other on a train at Euston Station, waiting for departure to Bangor.

#3 - Move - Painted Arms
MOVE is a major artistic project created by Australian born and New York based photographer, James Houston, to raise awareness and money to benefit the worldwide fight against AIDS. MOVE brings together over sixty of America’s leading dancers in a dynamic photographic essay which will not only form Houston’s fourth foray into publishing, but will come to life via this ambitious and multi-layered global artistic project.

#4 - Move - Dancer in Skirt

#5 - Louis Armstong on Stage
American jazz trumpeter and bandleader Louis 'Satchmo' Armstrong (1900 - 1971), shouts after clarinettist Edmund Hall's solo, on stage during the band's British tour, May 19, 1956.

#6 - John Lennon
Guitarist and songwriter John Lennon smoking a cigarette during a rehearsal at Twickenham Studios, London, 1963.

#7 - Suffragette in 1913
In a photograph specially taken for the 'Suffragette' paper, a woman sits engrossed in the 'Suffragette'.

#8 - Guggenheim Window

#9 - Underwater Ballet

#10 - Johnny Depp (need I say more :-))

#11 - David Bowie and Dog

#12 - Alfred Hitchcock

Home Alive - EYE OF THE TIGER

2007-03-13T17:41:00.000-07:00

The Donations to Home Alive have slowed down a bit but a dear friend just told me today that she donated $30. THANK YOU FRIEND :-)

That got my fund raising juices going again. We are at $1,785 dollars now! Only $215 dollars short of my goal! Please donate to Home Alive! Just click the link to the right >>

You know what else gets me going? The "Eye of the Tiger"!
So here is a little inspiration to raise the last chunk of change for Home Alive.

That video cracks me up! I love the 80's and Mr. T slays me!

Self Defense Tips:

#1 USE YOUR VOICE

If confronted with an attacker...use your voice! YELL and SCREAM!
Home Alive also teaches you to NAME IT and REPEAT IT.

If someone is coming toward you or attacking you.

Try to keep calm in your head and YELL something like:

"You are coming to close to me! Back off! BACK OFF!"

or

"Leave me alone!" "I said DON"T TOUCH ME, DON'T TOUCH ME!!!"

Practice role playing and yelling with a friend. Really use your lungs too! It feels good to scream and see the power in your voice. You can scare your attacker as much as they are scaring you. The perpetrator is generally nervous too and might be very surprised when you show your strength.

You can also use your voice to speak and try to deescalate a dangerous situation by negotiating. Sometimes all you can do is use your best judgement in these situations and it might be that talking them down will be better than responding with force.

#2 - HAMMER FIST

Also when engaged in a fight keep in mind what parts of your body are "free and open" to use against your attacker. If you can use your arm or arms. Punch the attacker with a "hammer fist". That is punch with the side of your fist opposite your thumb. Do not punch with your knuckles...and don't ever tuck your thumb in under your fingers. If you are not trained to punch with your knuckles (like you see on TV) you can break your hand and wrist really easy. You don't want to hurt yourself and/or render one of your weapons useless.

#3 - TARGET AREAS

When you punch or kick back at an attacker...go for their weak spots. Those weak spots are: Eyes, Nose, Throat, Knees, and the ever popular Groin.

Eyes: When poking at the eyes make a "Bird Beak" put the tips of your fingers and thumb together in a point and poke at their eyes. You get more pounds of pressure and you won't hurt your fingers.

Nose: We all know how bad a hit to the nose feels. Remember the Hammer Fist.

Throat: Hit the side of the throat or the neck where the airway is. If you can knock the breath out of your attacker you will be at an advantage to run away. Also it only takes about 10lbs of pressure to break a collar bone. Again, remember the Hammer Fist!

Knees: Kick the knees hard. Get close when you kick. Lift your leg and lean in and stomp down hard at the same time. Don't try to kick when you are a few feet away. You can loose your balance too easily. ...or they could grab your foot and pull you down. They aren't meant to go the other direction and that can really hurt your attacker and prevent them from chasing you.

Groin: You can use your arms or legs to impact the groin. It hurts women too so if your attacker is female don't hesitate to use this option for self defense as well. If you use your legs try to use your knee. Grab hold of their shoulders and bring your knee up hard. Use the part of your leg a few inches above your knee rather than your actual knee (again this is to protect you from hurting your own self)

If you use your arm. Use the blade of your forearm (which is the inside of your arm with the strongest bone between your thumb and inside of your elbow) Turn that part of your arm up and swing it hard in and up into the groin. Try to hit with that "blade" area a few inches in from your wrist versus your actual wrist.
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Also when fighting remember to be in the "Fighting Stance" It helps you keep your balance and protect yourself. This is a super cheesy 80's photo of the fighting stance for your viewing pleasure.

Lastly, always remember that dangerous situations are very scary and painful...and you have to follow your instincts. It is never your fault that someone is attacking you...and regardless of how you choose to handle the situation...no matter what happens...if you freeze, flight, or fight...if you come away alive you did the best you could!

So that is today's self-defense lesson. Please Donate to Home Alive or go take a class! The classes are great and you can learn to use your moves!
Go get 'em Tiger!

Standing on my own...with all these thoughts tumbling

2007-03-09T00:07:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago... I was already running a few minutes late for counseling…and flying out of the coffee shop around the corner from my counselor’s building…when I saw an elderly lady walking on the street. She wore a long bright purple coat and a fancy purple hat.

I often feel the urge to talk to the elderly. I miss working with seniors. My heart just goes out to them and I want to hear about their lives. I want to walk up to older folks and ask them if anyone has talked to them today. However I often stifle my urge to go up to them and chat...usually because I am worried people will think I am weird! ....I am a little ;-) but in a good way.

But…this day…even after the mad – racing – driving to my counselors…for which I hate to be late because every minute counts…

I just saw her and she was so cute! So I rushed up to her and told her so. I told her that I loved her purple coat and I asked her if she ever heard of the poem, “When I Am Old I Shall Wear Purple” she said she hadn’t.

She was so sweet and talkative. Her name is Violet and she is 96 years old. She told me she was off to the eye doctor….and she told me her doctors name….I told her that I would send the poem to her eye doctors office for her…. After about 5 minutes of chatting I told her it was a pleasure to meet her but that I had to run to my appointment.

A few days later I put together a little letter with the poem and included my contact information…I mailed it in care of Violet Thayer.

Today during a furry of phone calls…I ended one call and I answered another…and it was Violet!! She called to thank me for the poem. We talked for about 20 minutes!

She told me some stories about her life and her family. She said she gets down and blue sometimes... and that she worries about this world we live in….but she loves that she has lived such a long life. She says she never married…but had many of her own adventures. She says she walks outside everyday and she believes that keeps her spirits up.
But says she has had a tough year. This year she was walking in the city and her shoe got caught in a jagged broken curb. She fell and ended up with 7 stitches in her head. She now also walks with a cane… and she really resisted her doctor’s suggestion of that. She says people offer their seats on the bus too…but she often says she can stand on her own just fine.

She asked if I was married. I told her no. I told her I am in my mid 30’s. (Yes I am being vague about my age on purpose) She said she is 96 and never married. She said proudly that she always took care of herself. This woman amazes me. It told her I respect her so much and that I think she is very strong.

You know…she was 9 years old when women got the right to vote! I felt so lucky to be talking with her. I mean really….she has roughly 60 years on me and she is still kicking! I want to know her secret. It is the strong women that go before me that give me courage. Somehow it comforted me that even with all those years of life…the world still is a source of confusion as well as beauty for her….and that while we may always be strong enough to handle the kicks when we are down…we still tire of so many opportunities to be “strong”.

I like that she didn’t speak negatively of never being married. Like that would be a bad thing…to never be married. On the contrary I could tell that she felt proud of her life and path.

…On another note…I was recently talking with a girlfriend from Mexico and we were talking about her Quinceañera and the meaning of that event. “A Quinceanera or Sweet 15 is a major milestone in a Hispanic girl's life. It signifies her entrance to womanhood and the acceptance of new responsibilities this brings. This special celebration marks the beginning of womanhood. While a great deal of attention is placed on the celebration, the main purpose of a Quinceanera is for the young woman to live a life of faith, good morals and principles, devotion to her community, and live a decent lifestyle.”

While there might be concerns around traditional gender roles in a celebration like this…I think it is most important to emphasize that this is a celebration of becoming a woman and that each woman should be recognized, respected, and honored like this for just being who she is. I don’t think our American sweet 16 is anything like a Quinceañera. Sweet 16 didn’t mean a lot to me. There were no cars with big red bows…no huge party…and I am glad of it! I think it is interesting that the traditions in the US for Sweet 16 revolve around consumerism …and the Quinceañera around respect and community.

It is also interesting to me that marriage is the “big day” for women in the US. The day that every woman is supposed to dream about…I always thought I was weird because I never had fantasies of my wedding day…I was too busy climbing trees! It seems that marriage is considered to be the real right of passage into being considered a “valued human being” of the female gender. I have let that expectation of myself in this culture relax. I don’t need to be married to feel valuable…which is something I have struggled with before…I have often felt the odd duck out because I haven’t married yet. But I refuse to “just pick someone”. If I had met the person I should be with….maybe I would have married….maybe I will marry in the future….but I will be damned if it will be just because I don’t want to be alone. I will never do that to myself or to my would be/could be unfortunate spouse. I should hope that my choices would be out of love and respect…not out of fulfilling a command of a culture. I want to celebrate me for who I am rather than feel bad about myself for not getting married. I think one could live a whole life and miss out on the beauty because they fear they have fallen short of meeting the approval of society by marrying. I want to be clear that I am not judging married couples but rather I am simply talking about the pressure to marry and the ramifications.

It is just recently...since my rape...that I have begun to deeply question the forces at work within a culture. I want to know how to stop the manipuilation of the mass mentality... and the influence of media that places such crazy expectations in this world. I feel like I am drinking from a fire hose of demands when I watch TV. So I want to share Billy Joel's - Pressure
It is SOOO 80's but I still love it...

I want to have my own Quinceañera!

I guess I am just trying to say…there are so many amazing women out there and we should celebrate their lives. Disrespect of women must end...and we must put an end to the unchecked violence against women....be making room for new ideas about how to live our lives and let our voices talk about the inherent value of each human.

I just wanted to send a big hug out to all the women married or not. I want them to remember that they are sufficient as they are. And I want to thank those that have paved to road for us…like Violet. She inspires me. We plan to talk on the phone regularly….and I will always aspire to be like her…and “stand on my own just fine” with or with out a love in my life. I have enoug love in my heart for the world and it fills me up....anything more....would just be a bonus. :-)

I want love be loved just the way I am...and I will love people in my life the way they are.
That being said I have to share this too...but this time Diana Krall is singing Mr. Billy Joel.

Warning - When I Am an Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple

When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple

with a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.

And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves

and satin candles, and say we've no money for butter.

I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired

and gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells

and run my stick along the public railings

and make up for the sobriety of my youth.

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain

and pick the flowers in other people's gardens

and learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat

and eat three pounds of sausages at a go

or only bread and pickles for a week

and hoard pens and pencils and beer nuts and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry

and pay our rent and not swear in the street

and set a good example for the children.

We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?

So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised

When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

I'm Pulling Through...

2007-03-04T23:14:00.000-08:00

For my Supergirlest, my Mom, and Home Alive…
I put this little muvee together for you...

"I'm Pulling Through" - Diana Krall

I'm pulling through and it's because of you
When I was stranded…came your helping hand
Lonely, hurt I had not known which way to turn
'Til you said, "Try smiles, not tears, just laugh and learn"

I'm pulling trough and it's because of you
You made me see how lovely life could be
Lifted up my heart and made me count the cost
To find I'd gained, not lost

When I thought that hope was really gone
You showed me I was wrong
And you taught me how to carry on
Thanks for the lift in time and thanks for your song

I'm pulling trough and it's because of you
I'd do the same for you if your turn came
Hope it never will
For I've been though the mill
I won't forget this debt
I'm pulling trough

When I thought that hope was really gone
You showed me I was wrong
And you taught me how to carry on
Thanks for the lift in time and thanks for your song

I'm pulling trough and it's because of you
I'd do the same for you if your turn came
Hope it never will
For I've been though the mill
I won't forget this debt
I'm pulling trough

The long road gets more difficult....

2007-03-02T16:38:00.000-08:00

I just heard that my prosecutor has been reassigned.

This is a bad blow. I don't want another prosecutor. I don't want to be drug through the mud again. I am so tired. She was the only person I had developed trust with. Now I fear I will be passed off to someone who treats me like a number again. Why is every step since the rape so fraught with disappointment?

I just need to be under the wing of a good prosecutor. Someone I can put my hope in... Believing in her...gave me hope. Now I feel cut off and alone again.

I had been having a hard enough time this week. There never seems to be relief.

Today I also saw Avril Levigne sing on TV... I like the fight in her.
I know she is geared toward the younger angst crowds. But this song got to me.
It is the second half of the song...that I relate too.

"With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside."

Six months down - Time is an illusion - I've been loving ...too long to stop now

2007-02-27T23:07:00.000-08:00

Well today it has officially been six months since the rape.
I am not sure what that means exactly. As with many factors ...time teases with a promise of relief. I hope time will be the winner. I just can't put a when, where, and how to the healing process after rape.

What I miss most is love. I am gradually learning all over again who I can love and trust. I don't want to stop loving the humans in my life that are good for me!

I am not just talking about romantic love. Romantic love is different and most likely distant....until I get my heart beating again...don't worry she still runs...but more like an unreliable car.

Anyway...I want to share dear Otis Redding...

You've Got a Friend - Regaining Humanity

2007-02-23T00:06:00.000-08:00

"Hope has two children... anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to change them."
~ Saint Augustine

Sometimes life changes fast. Next week will be six months since my rape. My life has changed so quickly. There have been lots of changes but I refuse to attribute those changes to what he did to me...but rather how I have reacted to it.

In the path of my survival I have learned I must regain my humanity...and my belief in the humanity of others. I have learned who my friends are. I have learned who I choose to be in my life. I require the respect that any other human would.

There have been those who cannot step up to their potential in this area. Maybe I let some people folks walk all over my boundaries for too long...and they are not accustomed to the healthier boundaries I have in place now...nevertheless...certain people have had to exit my life.

While saddened by the truth and the loss of the people I thought they were…I do not see it as losing something but choosing not to stand for disrespect and dishonesty. I am a deeply sincere person... and while not without my own faults...I will try to be honest with myself and others. Maybe that truth… is too much for some people...so instead I set my sights to be around people who can honor and respect me.

I love the people in my life who have held strong to their good intentions and loyalties of friendship....I let the others go...As James Taylor sings,
“Hey, ain’t it good to know that you’ve got a friend?
People can be so cold.
They’ll hurt you and desert you.
Well they’ll take your soul if you let them.
Oh yeah, but don’t you let them.”

I also recently saw Ishmael Beah on the John Stewart Daily Show.

His words touched me deeply. He is the author of A Long Way Gone. I fell in love with him instantly.

"This absorbing account by a young man who, as a boy of 12, gets swept up in Sierra Leone's civil war goes beyond even the best journalistic efforts in revealing the life and mind of a child abducted into the horrors of warfare. Beah's harrowing journey transforms him overnight from a child enthralled by American hip-hop music and dance to an internal refugee bereft of family, wandering from village to village in a country grown deeply divided by the indiscriminate atrocities of unruly, sociopathic rebel and army forces. Beah then finds himself in the army — in a drug-filled life of casual mass slaughter that lasts until he is 15, when he's brought to a rehabilitation center sponsored by UNICEF and partnering NGOs. The process marks out Beah as a gifted spokesman for the center's work after his 'repatriation' to civilian life in the capital, where he lives with his family and a distant uncle. When the war finally engulfs the capital, it sends 17-year-old Beah fleeing again, this time to the U.S., where he now lives. (Beah graduated from Oberlin College in 2004.) Told in clear, accessible language by a young writer with a gifted literary voice, this memoir seems destined to become a classic firsthand account of war and the ongoing plight of child soldiers in conflicts worldwide."

The Book is AMAZING. He is a powerful example of someone who reminds us to take the negative events of violence in our lives…and expose them…and fight to turn tragic negatives into inspirational positives. While his experiences and mine are so very different I felt connected to him in his desire to make positive change and I understand his need to regain humanity.

I was lucky enough to get a head’s up that he would be speaking at Starbucks nearby. While I tend to try and purchase my coffee from small local coffee shops…I just had to go see him! I just needed to be in the same room with him and shake his hand. I felt like a groupie in the crowd. Over 300 people packed elbow to elbow to hear him speak! His voice was calm and wise. I am empowered by his strength to LIVE….and his love for life. He appreciates every day.

Someone asked him if he believes in God…and if so how does he understand God…or does he wonders how a God could let these horrible things happen to him. This someone asked him if when he was fighting for his life… if he thought of God or found his strength to survive in God in the midst of war and losing his friends and family…

Ishmael responded that he was exposed to many religions in his life…and that he believes in a higher power but cannot explain what it is…or hold fast to a particular religion. He doesn’t demean any religions for their specific beliefs but respects their love for a high power and wish for peace. I feel very much the same way.

He said that he didn’t have the time or the luxury to ponder god while trying to survive the violence of war because he had to conform and fight for his life….But that he found redemption later.

He was also asked what we can do to help the situation for children forced into war. He answered that UNICEF is a great place to donate…and that very soon we will see the launch of the Ishmael Beah Foundation.

His powerful story gave me hope…not just for my path as a survivor…but for a world that seeks peace… May the light of truth fall on the our personal stories and motivate us all to stop the senseless violence on this beautiful earth…let us live our lives and let us love one another….let us recognize in the eyes of others our humanity and believe in it.
True to groupie form …I got my book signed ;-) and had a photograph taken with him.

I was also talking with a friend last night that works for immigrant’s rights. I asked what the pre-dominate myths are surrounding immigration. She made a great point that often the immigrants that seek a life in the United States are those that have been run from their countries due to the violence and havoc the US reeks on their homeland. I have always supported and respected immigrants that have a bold heart for a new life. I am in awe at the lengths they go to make a better home. My immigrant friends from Mexico have always been the kindest and most hard working people.

Why all the violence? :-( I wish I could stop it.

One great way to help is to get involved in local groups that support non-violence.
Are you tired of hearing about Home Alive yet? Donate today or sign up for one of their classes. Get involved and seek peace!

Lastly I saw this magnet on a car today and thought it was appropriate!

Good Hearted Willie Nelson

2007-02-16T11:14:00.000-08:00

I guess this week has got me feeling the love...It must be all the donations to Home Alive. It just warms me right up!

I want to talk about my big love for Willie Nelson.

- Photo by Annie Leibowitz

He is a great american icon! His music touches my heart. His songs calm me and make me laugh. He calls it like he sees it. I grew up listening to him with my mom. I was a little cowgirl myself. Here I am in 1979 dressed as a cowgirl for the Sweet Six Contest...

I am with my dear cousin Heather. We were born 2 weeks apart! Isn’t she cute in her yellow dress!? We used to call her Heather Feather! We would often stand on the hood of that El Camino behind us….and sing our little hearts out into the antenna….Our imaginations were so big we might as well been at the Grand Ole Opry in front of an adoring audience. (I found a bunch of old pictures the other day and I am loving it)

But back to Willie…I am especially proud of Willie’s work with Biodiesel. Check out this clip…

And just for good ol’ times...here is Willie and Waylon singing "Good Hearted Woman"
Willie sure looks like he is having fun!

A Valentine's Day full of good love and humanity!

2007-02-15T10:23:00.000-08:00

I have to brag on my Friend! She is the most sweet and thoughtful person! She is a Valentines Day Baby and yesterday we celebrated her Birthday :-)

She knows about my rape and my deep desire to support Home Alive. She requested no gifts and that folks donate to Home Alive instead. This type of gesture is true to her heart of gold and grace.

Last night she received $350 dollars to donate to Home Alive!
We are now at $1,500! My heart is bursting with joy :-)...and this is how I look when I feel super happy and grateful...

I have always been given to clasping my hands in front of me and cooing "Ooooohhhh"!
This photo was taken in 1975. I was ecstatic about my little barn :-)

I feel more love around this Valentines Day than I ever have on this day. Even when I wasn't single...no Valentines Day tops this one!
I feel the love and concern that human beings extend to one another...and that is better than chocolate! That's right I said it... BETTER THAN CHOCOLATE!

In honor of this truly happy Valentine's Day I just feel like sharing.
So I want to share my favorite old valentine. I found it at an antique store years ago. It is dated 1950. They just don't make Valentines like they used to!

I don't know if you can tell but the little red flowers on the couch are that touchy-feely velvety stuff!

A HUGE THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO HAS HELPED DONATE TO THIS GREAT CAUSE!
Cheers to Peace, Love, Humanity, and Great Friends!

Have yourself an Un-Birthday!

2007-02-13T22:39:00.000-08:00

Ok so I thought it was time for a little levity and hope....

I have always liked the idea of an Un-Birthday Party!

The concept is that your un-birthday...is any day of the year that you need a birthday :-) I always imagined that if I ever have children... I'd surprise them with an un-birthday each year. For example...If they were having a rough week or something...I would surprise them one morning with maybe sleeping in, skipping school that day, a big yummy breakfast, take them to a movie, give them something they want, and have a cake with candles and all!

I just like the surprise factor :-) I like that during a tough time...some sweet relief would appear...and it wouldn't be the same day every year!

I had my first un-birthday last year on November 4th. I just decided I needed it. I needed a new beginning. It had not been too long since my rape...and I was having a hard time keeping on... I took a break that day from the detectives, the prosecutors, the memories, the sadness, and the fear...and I started over. I let a new life start within me.

I order my favorite Thai food for dinner. I watched an uplifting movie, Akeelah and the Bee , which I loved. Then I baked myself a chocolate cake (that ended up looking like a big doughnut because I tried my hand at using the new bundt cake pan) Then I decided it should be frosted orange with sprinkles. I put seven candles on it for luck. I made a wish and blew out the candles...and I had as much cake and ice cream as I wanted!

I also wrote myself a card. I promised myself I wouldn't give up. I committed myself to trying to heal and regaining my life after rape. I promised myself I would look to the future with hope again. It was a great day. I will have a un-birthday every year for the rest of my life. I am not even one year old yet in my new promise and my 1st un-birthday year...and I am still trying as best as I can.
My life has changed so much. It felt great to honor the new part of myself... the one who is strong enough to live through her biggest fear and still commit to seeing the joy in her life.

If you are having a though time....and just need a break. I highly recommend an unusual and fun Un-Birthday! Treat yourself good:-) You are a good human who deserves joy and unexpected good times.

Feel the love folks! Have party!

I know I am celebrating that we have now raised $1,150 for Home Alive! Donate to Home Alive here :-)

Just be careful not to spoil yourself ;-) ...or them ...Like Calvin...

Is gender a trap? ...and thoughts on Sexpresso, Porn, and the Sex Business

2007-02-10T16:59:00.000-08:00

This is a must read!!! This is the most mind opening essay.
Fair warning to all though...this is not an easy read...but I think it is a very nessecary persepective. Powerful stuff. Be prepared to THINK.

Sexuality, masculinity and men's choices - by Robert Jensen

Read Supergirlest's latest blog post.

I am still thinking about what I want to say about this issue.

EVERYONE MUST THINK ABOUT THIS....
I will try to wrap my mind around it and write about it soon!

...and please donate to Home Alive if you can.
Home Alive is a most amazing non-profit for self defense and ending violence. I spent another 3 hours today with their wonderful instuctors and fantastic people of my community. We learned about ground fighting today. I am sore already...but I learned so much!

Thanks Home Alive!
...AND A HUGE THANK YOU TO A GREAT WOMAN WHO JUST DONATED $200! We made it over the $1,000 mark!

...AND HERE IS TO ALL THE GIRLS WHO ARE NOT READY TO MAKE NICE....

Good times, Noodle Salad... Empathy Collapse

2007-02-08T18:58:00.000-08:00

Have you seen "As Good As It Gets"? I love this scene in the car...

and the whole conversation goes like this...

Carol: "OK, we all have these terrible stories to get over, and you---"

Melvin: "It's not true. Some have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car… But, a lot of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good."

Carol: No! I don’t think so...

Simon: Not it at all really...

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I love this movie! But I am with Carol and Simon on this one.
It is not all good times and noodle salad.
…and all people suffer…it is part of the human condition…so no one can be all pissed off that others had it good…because there is always difficulty in life...and you are delusional if you think anyone is exempt.

I was on the phone with a friend the other day and I was expressing my frustration at the treatment I had received from a crime victim’s case worker. He had been very rude to me. He, like the awful sex crimes advocate who hung up on me, had no tact, no patience, no cushion, no kindness, and zero empathy.

When I call for help that is supposed to be offered for rape victims... I want someone kind and sensitive to the nature of the issue on the phone. Not someone who acts like a rude debt collector...yelling, sighing, interrupting, and starting sentences loudly with, “Look lady…”

My friend told me that a lot of people who work with victims suffer from empathy collapse or sympathy collapse. I can understand that to some degree. Working with victims may be exhausting….but if it ever comes to the point where they lose the ability to empathize they should no longer do that kind of work.

I am troubled by this concept of “empathy collapse”. I think it is pretty wide spread actually. I hate to admit that I once saw a woman crying on TV and I felt nothing. But I instantly checked myself.

I think the more this feeling of nothing washes over us the less connected we are with our fellow humans. We all get exhausted with the sadness in the world. Especially when so many are in Iraq suffering this awful war…a war that is lead by our power hungry psychopath of a president that I also believe has had an empathy collapse.

I also knew a guy once who said it was normal for him not to have any feeling when he witnesses someone in pain. I don’t talk to him anymore.

----------------------------------------
Out of curiosity I looked into the differences between empathy and sympathy...

What is the difference between empathy and sympathy?

Both empathy and sympathy are feelings concerning other people. Sympathy is literally 'feeling with' - compassion for or commiseration with another person. Empathy, by contrast, is literally 'feeling into' - the ability to project one's personality into another person and more fully understand that person. Sympathy derives from Latin and Greek words meaning 'having a fellow feeling'. The term empathy originated in psychology (translation of a German term, c. 1903) and has now come to mean the ability to imagine or project oneself into another person's position and experience all the sensations involved in that position. You feel empathy when you've "been there", and sympathy when you haven't. Examples: We felt sympathy for the team members who tried hard but were not appreciated. / We felt empathy for children with asthma because their parents won't remove pets from the household.
--------------------------------------

As a victim I have come across people who have this inability to empathize and/or sympathize. Not that I want everyone feeling sorry for me all the time…I just don’t want them to kick me while I am down and feel nothing about it.

I love the “goods times and noodle salad” part of my life… and other peoples lives too... and those times are celebrated with each other… with laughter and presence and joy. But I think it is also important that the bad times and moldy cheese...be empathized with and cried over as well.

Nobody has a perfect easy breezy life in which nothing horrible happens. We need to be kind especially when someone is obviously suffering.

Let us not lose the ability to care for others and feel for them when they suffer.

Let us not be inconsiderate, cold, and rude to another who is in pain...even if you are burned out...find your heart again...and treat others kindly.

Actually...let’s try to treat other with kindness...no matter how obvious...or no matter how unapparent their pain.

More Ani Difranco Lyrics

the man behind the counter looks like he's got
a half a dozen places he'd rather be
and furthermore it looks like he's prepared
to take it all out on me
buddy, i don't really care what your problem is
just don't make it mine
come on kids, let's all hold hands
and pretend we're having a good time

maybe you don't like your job
maybe you didn't get enough sleep
well, nobody likes their job
nobody got enough sleep
maybe you just had
the worst day of your life
but, you know, there's no escape
and there's no excuse
so just suck up and be nice

"I’ve had all I can stand. I can’t stands no more."

2007-02-06T09:43:00.000-08:00

Popeye used to say "I’ve had all I can stand. I can’t stands no more."

I can't stand:
1. Ignorant violent Americans
2. Judging girls who aren't thin
3. The scary new "Sexpresso"

All of us reach boiling points where things must change.

So think about something that you just can’t stand anymore. Grab a mythical can of spinach and make the change once and for all.

After my rape...my eyes have been opened. I see the sources of violent behavior in this culture. One way to help educate our community about non-violence is to support Home Alive. PLEASE DONATE to this wonderful non-profit organization today.

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#1 Ignorant Violent Americans. I found this video on Panagon. WTF!!! These people scare me!
Most people I know in America are not like this. Where do they get these people? Education and Truth can end violence. Let's spend this country's money on better educating people and stop funding ridiculous wars!

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#2 Another thing in the news that makes my spinach boil! Bullying and degrading girls that aren't skinny or perfect by society's standards.

Teenage Boys Helpfully Point Out Fat Girl's Shortcomings | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

(a good friend just pointed out that it looks like I might think the Onion is serious...I know that it is a comical paper...but I think it does a good job of showing how ridiculous this behavior is from the other perspective) :-)

Not all women fit society's unrealistic views of what women should look like. People should be loved and appreciated for the unique beautiful humans they are. This mistreatment of women, men, and children is wrong. It is discrimination and it is a form of bullying.

Because sticks and stones can break your bones and words can also hurt you...see these sites.

Campaign for Real Beauty

Kids Against Bullying

No Name Calling

Bully Busters

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#3 "Sexpresso" Using female bodies to sell coffee.
Paying young girls minimum wage to work half naked in lingerie to sell coffee is wrong!

I am disgusted about this. I will do whatever I can to educate people about this.
SEE RANTS ON FEMINISTING

Seattle Times Article

At Cowgirls Expresso not only are they practically naked but the website has mooing cow sounds on it.

Can you get any closer to saying out loud that women are pieces of meat?!!!

As a rape victim that has recently joined the ranks of statistics of violence against women...I am angered by the weaving of the fabric of a rape culture that goes unchecked! I am saddened by the messages this sends about the worth of women.

I was talking with my mom yesterday about the ramifications and realities after rape...and we also were talking about the sex trade… and I was telling her what I have been learning about the sad truth of Human Trafficking and Slavery. I told her about girl in Seattle that is the cover story on the Seattle Weekly

My mom asked me, "Where do these people get the idea that they can treat people other people like that?"

I told her I know where they get the fucking idea! They get it from things like this half naked barista shit! They get the idea that women's bodies are for USING...that women's bodies are money, that women's bodies are Marketing, and that there is no need to respect women. They get the idea that they can dominate a sex to such an extent that they can make them take off their clothes at work. Where are the half naked men?

Really how often do you see a male silhouette like this?

You can buy the "Bud the Naked Trucker" bumper sticker at One Angry Girl.

REALLY? Would these places hire men? Would they hire me? Doubtful.
Is this equal opportunity employment?

If we sit silently by as the media paints this kind of crap as a novel human interest story and doesn't address the rampant degradation...we approve with our silence.

These shop owners are nothing but PIMPS! THIS MUST STOP!

No wonder we have a culture that is violent against women. No wonder I woke up to a man raping me. We are building a culture where women are toys not people.
I FEEL LIKE THROWING UP OVER THIS!

This is inappropriate and should be illegal. It is wrong on so many levels. These girls that work in these places are young and impressionable...and have been conditioned by a society to believe that their value lies in there bodies alone...and they probably feel more worthy when nasty men drive up to buy their bodies. Don't they know they are working at a peep show? I feel sick.

What about the women customers? How do they feel? What about the children in the cars with the pervert father?

If there must be strippers and prostitutes...fine …keep it behind closed doors where you must know what you are getting into as a customer....
Don't allow drive by degradation for all suspecting and unsuspecting patrons!

What is next? I have to be have naked to work at a grocery store? You must think of the ramifications of this. You must think of the precedent!!
WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!
BOYCOTT these places!

Moka Girls

Cowgirls Espresso

The Sweet Spot Cafe

Natté Latté

Loneliness and a Film called "A Room Nearby"

2007-02-04T22:43:00.000-08:00

If you have been reading this blog...you might have gathered... that as a rape survivor I have found healing in a great non-profit self defense organization called Home Alive.

We have raised $545 dollars this week for Home Alive!! but my goal is $2,000. Please donate to Home Alive today :-)

As a rape survivor I often feel alone. The pain and reality of rape can be very isolating. It often seems no one can understand. While I know this pain of being alone is very real for me and other victims of sexual assault. I also know that I have felt quite alone many other times in my life. I think lots of other people feel this loneliness too.

This brings up so many questions for me...
Is this normal? Do you feel alone too?
Are all the painful experiences of life experienced in isolation?
Is this just the human condition? I am I alone against my will?
Is it always a negative thing when I want to be alone?
Does being alone mean I am not a likeable person?
Do I secretly wish to be alone? Do you like to be alone?
Is is negative to talk honestly about being lonely or alone?

If you think about these things too you should watch this short film called "A Room Nearby". Click here to see when it will be playing in your area!

This film that asks…Can loneliness make you happy?
Watch the tailer

"Blending intimate interviews with distinctive animation, A ROOM NEARBY gives voice to five culturally dissimilar people as they reflect on the process and unexpected revelations of loneliness. 2006 PEABODY AWARD winner"

I caught this short film on PBS a couple years ago. It comes to my mind all the time. You should record it if you can :- It examines and questions the concepts of being alone and loneliness. I feel they are two very different things. What do you think?

**** Philosophical deversion **** Ahead...
Also in James Hillman's book, The Soul's Code, he takes a look at loneliness. He says that “the ways of thinking about loneliness (social, therapeutic, moral, existential) make two assumptions that I cannot accept.
First, each says that loneliness equates with literal aloneness and consequently is remediable by some sort of human action, such as repenting for sins, therapeutic relating, building the project of your life with your own heroic hands. Second, each assumes that loneliness is fundamentally unpleasant."

"But if there is an archetypal sense of loneliness accompanying us from the beginning, then to be alive is also to feel lonely. Loneliness comes and goes apart from the measures we take. I t does not depend on being literally alone, for pangs of loneliness can strike in the midst of friends, in bed with a lover, at the microphone before a cheering crowd. When feelings of loneliness become archetypal, they become necessary; they are no longer harbingers of sin, of dread, or of wrong. We can accept the strange autonomy of the feeling and free loneliness from identification with literal isolation. Nor is loneliness mainly unpleasant once it receives its archetypal background."

When we look – or , rather, feel – closely into the sense of loneliness we find it is composed of several elements: nostalgia, sadness, silence, and a yearning imagination for “something else” not here, not now. For these elements and images to show, we first have to focus on them rather than on remedies for being left literally alone.

(The below excerpt refer’s to acorns ...meaning the “soul")
“Nostalgia, sadness, silence, and imaginative yearning are also the innermost stuff of religious and romantic poetry in many language and many cultures. They remind the acorn (or soul) of its origins. Like E.T. in the Spielberg Film, the acorn seems nostalgic, sad, silent, and filled with yearning for an image of “home”...it is wanting to return. To Where? We do not know, for that place the myths and cosmologies say is gone from memory. But the imaginative yearning and the sadness attest to an exile from what the soul cannot express except loneliness. All it can recall is a nostalgia of feeling and an imagination of yearning. And a condition of want beyond personal needs.”

He uses the example of Judy Garland singing “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” The crowds would call for those lyrics...and for the song’s last yearning question…”Why Can’t I” She made each of her listeners aware of what they, too, most intimately were longing for: the awakened image in the heart of the exiled and its yearning for what was not in this world.”

I am endeared to this song too...Because I was a girl who left Kansas in pursuit of her dreams...without even being aware she was headed to the Emerald City. So I know now that "the place over the rainbow" isn't on the map...it is my soul's home in the spirit world ...and I won't go home until this earthly journey has ended. Before that journey ends...what do need most, a heart, courage, a brain? I already have the shoes...Maybe a brain....

Does anyone have visions of what you think your soul was up to while waiting to be born? I don't know where the images came from...maybe a dream maybe an old movie....but I remember being on this boat out in the middle of the ocean. The water was still. the sun was shining. It was a huge blue and white boat....with lots of cherry colored wood masts. There were lots of people milling around in white dresses and or pj's. I asked someone "what are we doing here?" and they said, "we are waiting to be born". They told me they keep spirits here until they can go be born into a new life. It is such a striking memory but....who knows...it could have been a scene from the planet of the apes on TV. LOL! :-)

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In closing...I want to share a poem by Hermann Hesse, the author of one of my favorite books, Siddhartha.

Alone

Over the earth there lead
Many roads and paths,
But all have
The same goal.

You can ride and travel
By two and by three,
(But) the last step
You must go alone.

So there is no knowledge
Or skill / ability so good,
But that everything difficult one must
Do alone.

- Hermann Hesse

Oh and a silly joke….

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Amnesia.

Amnesia who?

I am sorry, What?

Please Help End Violence - Donate to Home Alive

2007-02-03T19:16:00.000-08:00

Until I reach the goal of raising $2,000 for Home Alive. I will always ask for a donation to this amazing organization.

(We just got another donation of $50 from my aunt and uncle! And $30 from a friend! And $20 spot from Pam today...
We are at $520 now!! THANK YOU! The thermometer is getting up there! If you can donate...please let me know the amount as I have to update the thermometer manually)

And tonight I want to share....my favorite Calvin and Hobbes.

Ignoring problems don't make them go away.

Let's promise we will SEE the world...for the beautiful things and the ugly things in it.

I was watching an old rerun of Six Feet Under (one of my favorite shows) and David's character was seeking advice from someone....that someone said, "Try to grow deeper into your own personal experience of life...not the life that you think you want...but the one you actually have."

Ok so I might not be remembering the quote exactly as it was said...but you get the point. I want to embrace my path...the experiences that make me...the good and the bad. After experiencing the reality of rape...I am determined to do everything I can to end violence against women...and violence against anyone.

Let us not turn our heads from the truth. The truth shows itself eventually. I don't mean to just push the sad truths...I want people to live and see the beauty in simple sunny days too...but I want everyone to be able to do that...I want everyone to be safe and feel they have the right to live without the threat and the reality of violence.

I do see the beauty of the world....Today I smelled the beauty of spring in the breeze...as the moist clean air mixed with the last hours of sun. It reminded me of an apple just after you slice it…but not quite….it was its own smell…a smell unique to this day and that moment. As a photographer...I like to capture moments. I often wish I could take snapshots of what I smell too :-)

But I also see the pain of the world. And I can no longer turn my head and live in a "silly and irresponsible way" I must incite the change I hope for. I must be part of the solution rather than living in denial... and hoping for things to get better.

Truth is real. I want to live truth in my life.

Edward R Murrow said, "Most truths are so naked that people feel sorry for them and cover them up, at least a little bit."
Let us not cover it up. Let us make a new truth.

I must plug Home Alive again. They make a difference. Donate if you can.

Lastly I want to share my favorite Poem. I relate to this poem by Nikki Giovanni more that any poem I have ever heard....

Cotton Candy On A Rainy Day

Don't look now
I'm fading away
Into the gray of my mornings
Or the blues of every night

Is it that my nails
keep breaking
Or maybe the corn
on my second little piggy
Things keep popping out
on my face
Or
Of my life

It seems no matter how
I try I become more difficult
to hold
I am not an easy woman
to want

They have asked
the psychiatrists . . . psychologists . . .politicians and
social workers
What this decade will be
known for

There is no doubt . . . it is
loneliness
If loneliness were a grape
the wine would be vintage
If it were a wood
the furniture would be mahogany
But since it is life it is
Cotton Candy
on a rainy day
The sweet soft essence
of possibility
Never quite maturing

I have prided myself
On being in that great tradition
albeit circus
That the show must go on
Though in my community the vernacular is
One Monkey Don’t Stop the Show

We all line up
at some midway point
To thread our way through
the boredom and futility
Looking for the blue ribbon and gold medal

Mostly these are seen as food labels

We are consumed by people who sing
the same old song STAY:
as sweet as you are
in my corner
Or perhaps just a little bit longer
But whatever you do don’t change baby baby don’t change
Something needs to change
Everything some say will change
I need a change
of pace face attitude and life
Though I long for my loneliness
I know I need something
Or someone
Or…..

I strangle my words as easily as I do my tears
I stifle my screams as frequently as I flash my smile
it means nothing
I am cotton candy on a rainy day
the unrealized dream of an idea unborn

I share with the painters the desire
To put a three-dimensional picture
On a one-dimensional surface

PLEASE DONATE TO HOME ALIVE!

2007-02-02T08:42:00.000-08:00

We are at $420 dollars for Home Alive now!!

Remember to let me know when and what you donate so I can update the Thermometer! :-) Here is what we have collected so far:

My Mom and I donated $50 dollars each.
My local friends have donated $235 total.
My new blog friend Human donated $10.
Old pals at ColorGraphics have donated $75 so far.

CLICK HERE TO DONATE ONLINE

THANK YOU ALL! THIS IS A GREAT START! Anything helps!
If you haven't donated yet please help this great organization!
Let's hit the goal of raising $2,000 to help make a safer community :-)

DONATE TO HOME ALIVE >>>>

2007-01-30T14:13:00.000-08:00

I am asking you to join me in creating a world where no one is ever attacked, raped, bullied, or hurt again. I am reaching out for your help.

Sadly I was raped last year. But I found that being active and helping others is a path to healing.

I wanted to take a self-defense class. I found Home Alive. When I am there I feel moved by the strength of a community that wants peace and safety. I started a 4 week series. They teach me how to be prepared, how to use my voice, how to negotiate to keep a bad situation from escalating to violence, how to set boundaries, and how to keep a level head when I am scared.

Home Alive is a non-profit community self-defense organization that was created in 1993 after the rape and murder of local musician Mia Zapata. The Home Alive founders took a tragic moment and transformed it into a force for positive change. I also want to do this in my own life. Home Alive believes that violence prevention is a community responsibility. That is why I am asking you, my community, my friends, and my family to keep this amazing organization going.

Home Alive teaches self-defense and boundary setting classes to all people regardless of their ability to pay. As you can imagine they are struggling to keep their doors open. The thought of Home Alive not being around makes me feel so sad. You should see how they bring comfort to so many people. That is why I have become a Home Alive donor and volunteer.

Please help me ensure that this valuable resource is still around to prevent violence. For more information about Home Alive go to Home Alive or call 206-323-4663 and talk to Becka the Program Director.

I have decided to single handedly raise $2,000. Today I am asking you to write a check and join me in a community action.

Please help me make this tragic negative event in my life into a positive. It is organizations like this that help me when I find it hard to keep going. This kind of organization helps me and so many others find peace. The training at Home Alive helps me to not live in fear. Their passion for helping everyone and turning away no one touches my heart. I hope it touches yours too… because they need your help. I need your help.

CLICK HERE TO DONATE ONLINE

By Mail: Please mail in your tax-deductible check to:
Home Alive
1122 E. Pike Street, #1127
Seattle, WA 98122

Donations can also be made in honor of a friend. An acknowledgement will be sent to the honoree on request. Please put my name in the memo of the check.

Please let me know what you can donate because I will keep going until I reach my goal and I want to be able to track our success! Also if you write a check please put my name in the Memo. Thank you!!

With love and peace.