My dear friend Supergirlest promotes Brett Dennen with good reason. This guys is amazing.
This is what love should be about... taking our privileged blinders off and caring about others... This Valentine's Day... let's embrace truths and show our love to others in the world by opening our eyes and letting the awareness of inequities seep in. With love for others we can be moved to action and work together... and to do our small part to create a better world.
I much prefer this perspective on Valentine's Day to candy and obligatory gifting. Every year around Valentine's day I cringe every time I see a diamond commercial. Not only do we all need to be aware of the truth about diamonds...
But I personally am sick of Valentine's Day commercials like this JC Penney commercial (you have to go to their site to see it.... look on the right hand side where it says watch our valentine's day ad) I am sick of the stereotype that women are mindless idiots that drool over sparkly things that their big spending and overpaid MEN buy for them so they stop complaining. Plus it drives home an attitude that women are commodities that can be bought and controlled by men with money. Jeezzz.. I have to go barf!
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
How to support your friend who has been raped...
I want to talk about ways to support rape victims (for example, me) as they fight for justice. I have been asking folks for support a lot recently as a result of the upcoming events... which set me back in my healing... and lately it feels like it just happened again. In response to my requests for support I often get the question, "What can I do to help?" I know that my family and friends want to help... but I realized they may not know how to... and I want to offer ideas on how to support victims.
So I decided to post some ideas for friends and family.
These ideas may be true for other victims as well.
First I want to share that being a survivor of rape isn't a one time event. It is something victim-survivors live with through time. When speaking with one of my professors today she introduced the concept of "survivance" and she shared the following quote from some Anthropology research...
"For Indigenoous peoples, survival is more than staying together as a group; it is more closely aligned with Vizenor's concept of survivance. Vizenor says: "I wanted a term that would have a broader meaning than survival--that is, as a conditional experience rather than a mere response to domination and victimization". He argues that "survivance" is not just carrying this burden and surviving--showing that I'm a survivor of victimization, for example--but also inventing a world view" FROM: Brian McKinley Jones Brayboy"Transformational resistance and social justice: American Indians in Ivy League Universities"*Anthropology and Education Quarterly, 36* (3), 193-211.
ALSO... I was reading on the Women's Justice Center about how friends feel...
"Friends who are helping you are also probably feeling very upset and frightened by what you're going through. They probably feel at a loss for exactly what they should be doing, and helpless that they can't solve it all for you. So here's some things you can do that will help your support person be better able to help you. Always be very clear with your friend exactly what it is you would like them to do. Tell them you know they can't solve it all. Stay in good communication with the people who are helping you. Thank them repeatedly for standing by you.
...and how friends can give help...
Remember, one person can't do it all. If you see that your friend is getting overwhelmed, ask your friend to help you find someone else to help, too. You don't always have to say the "Right Things." Seeing the intensity of trauma in violence against women can be very upsetting. Don't feel you always have to be saying "right things.". Calmness, your presence, and a few kind words work wonders! "
So here is a list of ideas that might help support rape survivors...
(The wording is gendered female because I am also talking about how to help me)
So I decided to post some ideas for friends and family.
These ideas may be true for other victims as well.
First I want to share that being a survivor of rape isn't a one time event. It is something victim-survivors live with through time. When speaking with one of my professors today she introduced the concept of "survivance" and she shared the following quote from some Anthropology research...
"For Indigenoous peoples, survival is more than staying together as a group; it is more closely aligned with Vizenor's concept of survivance. Vizenor says: "I wanted a term that would have a broader meaning than survival--that is, as a conditional experience rather than a mere response to domination and victimization". He argues that "survivance" is not just carrying this burden and surviving--showing that I'm a survivor of victimization, for example--but also inventing a world view" FROM: Brian McKinley Jones Brayboy"Transformational resistance and social justice: American Indians in Ivy League Universities"*Anthropology and Education Quarterly, 36* (3), 193-211.
ALSO... I was reading on the Women's Justice Center about how friends feel...
"Friends who are helping you are also probably feeling very upset and frightened by what you're going through. They probably feel at a loss for exactly what they should be doing, and helpless that they can't solve it all for you. So here's some things you can do that will help your support person be better able to help you. Always be very clear with your friend exactly what it is you would like them to do. Tell them you know they can't solve it all. Stay in good communication with the people who are helping you. Thank them repeatedly for standing by you.
...and how friends can give help...
Remember, one person can't do it all. If you see that your friend is getting overwhelmed, ask your friend to help you find someone else to help, too. You don't always have to say the "Right Things." Seeing the intensity of trauma in violence against women can be very upsetting. Don't feel you always have to be saying "right things.". Calmness, your presence, and a few kind words work wonders! "
So here is a list of ideas that might help support rape survivors...
(The wording is gendered female because I am also talking about how to help me)
- Let her know you are thinking of her. Send flowers, a card or a note. Knowing that you care will lift her spirits during the tough times.
- Call and check in... or to just say hello - even if it is just for a quick 5 minute conversation. Your friend may be feeling to overwhelmed to pick up the phone and make plans with you, but she will probably appreciate it if you do.
- Suggest getting together for low stress events like a movie, coffee, or ice cream
- Send frequent emails to say hello. Keep regular contact and share about your life too... that helps keep a feeling of normalcy in her life.
- Understand that your friend may be very self-involved for a little while... try to offer and share stories about your life too as that can help her stay grounded. Even though she needs a lot from her supportive friends and family.. she still wants to know how you are. I know I often feel stuck in the spotlight sometimes... and I feel uncomfortable but feel compelled to keep talking. Feel free to bring the conversation back to other things... it is helpful and distracting and good... otherwise I can ramble on about all the twist and turns of my tortured thoughts and concerns.
- Know that she wants to be able to support you with your own life concerns and needs too but try to understand that she might not be able to do that during times of high crisis.
- Inform yourself - Search online for tips on how to help
- Exercise is good. Suggest a walk. Even if it is just around the block. Sometime she may want to see you for a little while... and if she cannot handle an event that lasts a couple of hours... a little time together is better than none.
- Express your compassion - you can say that you don't know what to say, but it is very important to recognize and validate the survivor's feelings: their anger, pain, and fear. These are natural, healthy responses. They need to feel them, express them, and be heard.
- Accept that there will very likely be major changes in your relationship with the survivor as they heal.They are changing, and as they do, you may need to change in response.
- Respect the time and space it takes to heal.Healing is a slow process that can't be hurried.
- Show your friend that you care about them. Go visit them in their home for a visit... they often feel more comfortable in their own space.
- Understand that as a victim heals and when she is in times of crisis, she may say and do things that hurt you or are confusing to you. Understand that your friend is stressed and filled with confusing and painful emotions... and she may not always behave in her right mind.
- Offer practical support. Your friend may find that organizing her life is difficult while she is in crisis. You can help by offering to help. For instance, offer to make dinner - the victim is often overwhelmed and depressed and feeling too weary to take care of themselves. Just by offering your help, she will know that you care and if she needs you, she'll be able take you up on it.
- Know that she is trying to maintain normalcy and be fun... and doesn't want to feel like a constant bummer... but somedays are good and some are bad.
- Work together with her other friends - Friends of the victim can look to each other for support and sharing the role of a support system.
- Suggest fun group activities or outings. If your friend feels up to going out and doing something she will accept. I have also found it is easier to escape the worry and pain in large groups... as one on one events tend to be more intimate and conducive to sharing painful feelings. Sometimes the survivor needs to try to have fun... but they may not always be good at knowing how to do so.
- Be easy on yourself. Supporting a friend who has suffered sexual assault is hard. Treat your self well too!
Here is also a list of What Not to Say from Surviving to Thriving.
...Oh and a support site for Partners of Survivors.
So thank you all again... my dear friends and family and my partner... for being my support system.... For standing by me. I need you all now more than ever. Please hear my call for support... and take heart that the worst of the storm will pass soon... and the Spring will come... and the healing sun will come out and shine on us again.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
PAVE - Promoting Awareness - Victim Empowerment
See information from PAVE below.
Go to the site for more information.
Victim's Rights Rally - Nationwide - February 19 - Noon
We need your help defending justice!
Join us for a national rally on Tuesday, February 19, 2008 at noon. This is going to happen in dozens of cities across the country! We know that sexual assault is the most under-reported crime in the US. However, when victims do report, we find that they are constantly re-traumatized! We demand justice! To be involved, email: info@pavingtheway.net and we will send all of the tools needed to hold a rally in your community!
Go to the site for more information.
Victim's Rights Rally - Nationwide - February 19 - Noon
We need your help defending justice!
Join us for a national rally on Tuesday, February 19, 2008 at noon. This is going to happen in dozens of cities across the country! We know that sexual assault is the most under-reported crime in the US. However, when victims do report, we find that they are constantly re-traumatized! We demand justice! To be involved, email: info@pavingtheway.net and we will send all of the tools needed to hold a rally in your community!
Legal Standards Target Protective-Order Breakdowns
Check out this article on Women's ENews that discusses Protective Orders. They discuss the recent sad murder of a woman by her accused rapist. They discuss flaws in the Protective System as well as information to help understand this kind of violence. I think this is a step in the right direction but I still feel women need more protection in these cases. Our society needs to show that we feel these women's lives have VALUE and treat threats and stalking should be taken much more seriously. I think if someone is threatening and stalking.... the stalker themselves should be contained.... unless someone is going to be assigned as a body guard for the victim.
"Maria Frances Lauterbach, who was a lance corporal with the U.S. Marines, should be cradling a newborn around now. Instead, Lauterbach's burnt body was found Jan. 11, weeks after her death on Dec. 14. She was eight months pregnant when she died from a blunt trauma to the head. Her body was discovered in the Jacksonville, N.C., backyard of Cpl. Cesar A. Laurean, also a Marine. Lauterbach's military court-ordered protection order against Laurean expired 10 days after her death.
Authorities believe Laurean fled to Mexico on Jan. 11 after giving his wife a note saying that Lauterbach slit her own throat. He was indicted on Jan. 24 by a Jacksonville grand jury on first-degree murder charges. Mexican officials issued a warrant for Lauren's arrest and will extradite him to the United States if he is apprehended.
Military officials said he was not held as a suspect because Lauterbach and Laurean appeared to have a "friendly relationship" despite a rape allegation that occurred in May. Following that allegation, Lauterbach was given an order of protection by the military. The county sheriff told reporters that he was unaware of the protection order until Jan. 7.
Lauterbach reported that she was raped to military officials and investigators, who issued a protection order that was automatically renewed three times while the investigation was pending. Laurean denied the rape and refused to speak with detectives investigating her disappearance in December."
Also...
"Garcia, whose group assisted the American Bar Association with the stalking portion of the guidelines, said that among stalking victims, 28 percent of those who are female and 10 percent of those who are male obtained protective orders. Of these, violations occurred for 69 percent of females, 81 percent of males. Women are 73 percent of stalking victims overall.
In addition, the Department of Justice's most recent data reports that nearly a third of women murdered in 2005--33 percent--were killed by an intimate partner, a proportion that has been increasing. About 1,200 U.S. women are killed by intimate partners every year, according to the most recent national health statistics.
Garcia advises stalking victims to understand the pros and cons of protective orders. She said they work when they are enforced and bolster evidence for a potential court battle, but can be dangerous and escalate violence if not effectively enforced.
In her trainings for law enforcers and advocates about helping victims' safety planning she recommended that victims cut off contact with offenders, log any encounters and hand out fliers with an offender's photo to family and friends.
The American Bar Association has published dozens of national standards, available on its Web site. Previous standards--included in lawyers' trainings and often cited in case law and briefs--have covered the representation of children in custody cases and people facing the death penalty.
Garcia said lawyers had to be particularly alert to stalking, which is often a precursor to violence against property or the person seeking the order.
Threats, she said, often aren't obvious. For example, if a man sends roses to a woman despite a no-contact order, an untrained judge or lawyer might think it's a touching display of an abuser's wish to reunite. The abused woman, Schafran said, feels vulnerable after the violation and "knows it's a threat."
"Maria Frances Lauterbach, who was a lance corporal with the U.S. Marines, should be cradling a newborn around now. Instead, Lauterbach's burnt body was found Jan. 11, weeks after her death on Dec. 14. She was eight months pregnant when she died from a blunt trauma to the head. Her body was discovered in the Jacksonville, N.C., backyard of Cpl. Cesar A. Laurean, also a Marine. Lauterbach's military court-ordered protection order against Laurean expired 10 days after her death.
Authorities believe Laurean fled to Mexico on Jan. 11 after giving his wife a note saying that Lauterbach slit her own throat. He was indicted on Jan. 24 by a Jacksonville grand jury on first-degree murder charges. Mexican officials issued a warrant for Lauren's arrest and will extradite him to the United States if he is apprehended.
Military officials said he was not held as a suspect because Lauterbach and Laurean appeared to have a "friendly relationship" despite a rape allegation that occurred in May. Following that allegation, Lauterbach was given an order of protection by the military. The county sheriff told reporters that he was unaware of the protection order until Jan. 7.
Lauterbach reported that she was raped to military officials and investigators, who issued a protection order that was automatically renewed three times while the investigation was pending. Laurean denied the rape and refused to speak with detectives investigating her disappearance in December."
Also...
"Garcia, whose group assisted the American Bar Association with the stalking portion of the guidelines, said that among stalking victims, 28 percent of those who are female and 10 percent of those who are male obtained protective orders. Of these, violations occurred for 69 percent of females, 81 percent of males. Women are 73 percent of stalking victims overall.
In addition, the Department of Justice's most recent data reports that nearly a third of women murdered in 2005--33 percent--were killed by an intimate partner, a proportion that has been increasing. About 1,200 U.S. women are killed by intimate partners every year, according to the most recent national health statistics.
Garcia advises stalking victims to understand the pros and cons of protective orders. She said they work when they are enforced and bolster evidence for a potential court battle, but can be dangerous and escalate violence if not effectively enforced.
In her trainings for law enforcers and advocates about helping victims' safety planning she recommended that victims cut off contact with offenders, log any encounters and hand out fliers with an offender's photo to family and friends.
The American Bar Association has published dozens of national standards, available on its Web site. Previous standards--included in lawyers' trainings and often cited in case law and briefs--have covered the representation of children in custody cases and people facing the death penalty.
Garcia said lawyers had to be particularly alert to stalking, which is often a precursor to violence against property or the person seeking the order.
Threats, she said, often aren't obvious. For example, if a man sends roses to a woman despite a no-contact order, an untrained judge or lawyer might think it's a touching display of an abuser's wish to reunite. The abused woman, Schafran said, feels vulnerable after the violation and "knows it's a threat."
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Support Zine - Get your hands on a copy.
Introducing the Support Zine from Microcosism Publishing. 
"In a time when sexual assault and abuse are an increasing problem; even in so-called radical and punk communities, and when most women have been sexually abused in one way or another, Cindy Crabb (Doris Zine) brings us a document showing ways to prevent sexual violence and support survivors of sexual abuse. The zine helps to define consent, some letters that Cindy has received, listening, talking about sex, power dynamics, comics by Fly, and much more! A crucial resource that reads much like a regular issue of Doris. "
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